The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)

Go Tell the Birds and the Bees (1965)

Dick Van Dyke: Rob Petrie

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dr. Gormsley : [reading Ritchie's version of reproduction]  When a mommy and a daddy want a baby, they put a silver dollar under their pillow when they go to sleep at night.

  Laura Petrie : A silver dollar under their pillow?

  Rob Petrie : Oh, boy.

  Dr. Gormsley : And when they wake up and find the silver dollar is gone, they know that Mr. Cabbage has been there.

  Laura Petrie : Mr. Cabbage?

  Dr. Gormsley : Mr. Cabbage takes the silver dollar to Esmeralda the queen tomato, and in front of the other vegetables...

  Dr. Gormsley and Rob : [together]  ... three broccolis and a radish...

  Rob Petrie : [alone]  ... Esmeralda plants a baby seed in a magic garden saying, "Starlight, star bright, we're gonna grow a baby tonight."

  Laura Petrie : Rob!

  Dr. Gormsley : Then this IS familiar to you, Mr. Petrie.

  Rob Petrie : Oh, yeah, yeah. And on a... on a bright and sunny morning, nestled in a... in a nest of, uh, lettuce leaves, is a beautiful pink pumpkin.

  Laura Petrie : A pink pumpkin?

  Rob Petrie : Well, if it's a girl. Boys come in blue pumpkins.

• Sally Rogers : Well, I see Mel was pretty busy today. Boy, look at all these phone messages.

  Rob Petrie : How do you know Mel took the messages.

  Sally Rogers : Well, because they're in three neat piles: his, hers, its.

• Rob Petrie : Oh, yeah, listen, when I was Ritchie's age I was much younger.

• Rob Petrie : What's wrong?

  Laura Petrie : Well, it seems that Ritchie has been giving lectures to the other children.

  Rob Petrie : What kind of lectures?

  Laura Petrie : On the facts of life.

• Dr. Gormsley : I'm awfully sorry I was late. I was in the principal's office.

  Rob Petrie : [grinning]  The principal? What'd you do?

• Rob Petrie : It's just that, Rich, there's a little confusion about what you're tellin' the kids at school; I'd like to clear it up if I can.

  Ritchie Petrie : Oh, you mean about the babies and all that stuff.

  Laura Petrie : Yeah, that... that's right, dear.

  Ritchie Petrie : But I didn't tell 'em what you told me not to tell.

  Rob Petrie : Well, who told you what to tell 'em?

  Ritchie Petrie : Nobody. I made it up.

  Laura Petrie : You made it up?

  Ritchie Petrie : Yeah. Grampa's story about Mr. Cabbage was silly.

  Rob Petrie : Well, right, right.

  Ritchie Petrie : And your story about the eggs and everything made a lot of sense.

  Rob Petrie : Of course it did.

  Ritchie Petrie : But you said I shouldn't tell that story to anybody.

  Rob Petrie : Right again.

  Ritchie Petrie : So I had to make one up.

  Laura Petrie : Well, why, Rich? Why did you have to make up ANY story?

  Ritchie Petrie : Because the kids like me to tell stories - and I'm good at it, like Daddy.

  Rob Petrie : How do you like THAT?

• Ritchie Petrie : What about bears?

  Rob Petrie : What about 'em?

  Ritchie Petrie : Don't they fall in love and get married?

  Rob Petrie : Well... y-yes, in a manner of speaking, they do, Rich.

  Ritchie Petrie : How about a fox and a rabbit?

  Rob Petrie : A fox and a rabbit. No. Uh, R... they can't, Rich. They can't. Certain, um... Rich, there're just certain animals that-that don't get along together. You see, it wouldn't... it wouldn't make sense for them to get married, see?

  Ritchie Petrie : How about Millie and Jerry? The got married.

  Rob Petrie : Well... that's a little different, uh, Rich. M-Millie and Jerry love each other, really. It's just they like to... to show it at the top of their lungs, that's all.