- [Rob begins dictating a fraudulent letter of dis-recommendation to get Buddy fired by Alan Brady]
- Rob Petrie: Dear Mel: There's a situation concerning the writing staff which I believe merits your attention.
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Wait a minute, you're too polite! D-d... You gotta louse me up more!
- Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: Yes. What you need is some good honest hatred. I'll dictate it: During the past season, Buddy Sorrel has not contributed one idea, joke or fresh thought.
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Beautiful. Hey, Sal, tell 'im about how I lay, you now, sleep on the couch all day, that I'm always comin' in late and everything, you know.
- Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: [continuing] He has been distracting Sally Rogers and myself, and what was once a serviceable talent has deteriorated into an office clown.
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Wonderful! Curly, if I ever want to get sent to the chair, you're gonna be my lawyer.
- Laura Petrie: Let me put it this way: I have a happy, semiwell-adjusted husband who comes home and greets me with a smile and a kiss - and I'd rather have that than all the money in the world.
- Rob Petrie: Yeah?
- Laura Petrie: Yeah. So how about a smile?
- [Rob flashes a toothy smile]
- Laura Petrie: And a kiss?
- [they kiss]
- Laura Petrie: That's what I want.
- Rob Petrie: Hey - I didn't realize I was such a great smiler and kisser!
- [sits down on the bar stool by the kitchen counter]
- Laura Petrie: [leans her head on her elbows, looks at Rob at eye level and purrs like a cat] R-r-r-rr-rrr - rrrrr-rr-r.
- [smiles]
- [Mel has told Rob and Sally, after Buddy had been transferred to a different TV studio, that they can use another third writer for their team besides Buddy]
- Rob Petrie: Doggone, if only Buddy hadn't been so nasty.
- Sally Rogers: Oh, he couldn't have been nastier if he made a living at it.
- Rob Petrie: [thinking] Make a living at it?
- [He brightens up]
- Rob Petrie: Sally, that's it! Let's hire somebody nastier than Buddy.
- Sally Rogers: I thought Jack the Ripper was dead.
- Rob Petrie: Who can be nastier to Mel than Buddy?
- Sally Rogers: Mel's wife?
- Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: [on releasing Buddy from his contract with "The Alan Brady Show"] Buddy, I cherish this moment. Never in my entire life have I been happier to say goodbye to anyone. Goodbye forever.
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Mel, in the... many years of our association, I know I've said a lot of unkind things about your bald head. And... I'm sorry I didn't mention the rest of your ugly puss.
- Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: One last yecch!
- Jackie Brewster: For the last couple of years, I've been translating the works of Shakespeare into Pig Latin.
- Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: [giving Jackie his hand] My hand.
- Jackie Brewster: Really? Is that your hand? Why, it looks more like five fat worms.
- Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: I beg your pardon?
- Jackie Brewster: Why? You can't help it if you have worm fingers.
- Sally Rogers: [to Rob] Suppose Mel recognizes him? He might have seen him in a nightclub.
- Jackie Brewster: Heh! Don't worry about that, Sal. You know what happens when they introduce me in a nightclub? The guy comes out and says, "Here's Jackie Brewster," and the whole audience says, "Who's he?" I mean, more people know me as Who's He than Jackie Brewster.
- Sally Rogers: I don't think Mel's been ANYplace.
- Jackie Brewster: Well, how'd he get to be a big TV producer?
- Sally Rogers: Easy. He married the star's sister.
- Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: [referring to Jackie] Well, who's he?
- Jackie Brewster: See, he knows me already.
- Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: I, uh, I don't believe I know your work. What have you done?
- Jackie Brewster: About what?
- Rob Petrie: Why do you want to insult Mel like that, anyway?
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Well, I don't like him. For one thing, he's too tall.
- Sally Rogers: Rob's just as tall.
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Yeah, but he's not nasty about it. When Rob stands next to me, he slumps a little.
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: [to Mel] I'm very happy you're wearing that hat because there are a lot of woodpeckers in town.
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: [to Mel] It's a wonder when you walk down the street, people don't want to put their finger in your ear and start bowling.
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Look, I didn't come here to depress anybody. I just wanna know how do you spell unemployment?
- Sally Rogers: [to Buddy] Well, it's just like my mother always says: The sun isn't always shining just because there are sparrows.
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: What's that supposed to mean?
- Sally Rogers: I don't know, but ain't it pretty?