The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)
Big Max Calvada (1963)
Rose Marie: Sally Rogers
Quotes
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Buddy Sorrell : Yeah, I got a feeling this kid's the worst comic since the history of show business.
Sally Rogers : Wait a minute. Don't forget I saw YOU.
Buddy Sorrell : I'm willing to bet you ten bucks he's worse than I ever was.
Sally Rogers : I'll take that bet.
[They shake hands on it]
Kenny Dexter : [entering, imitating James Cagney] All right, you dirty rats, just gimme the jokes, because I got a rod in my pocket, see, and it's curtains for you. It's a curtain rod.
[Sally glumly plants a ten dollar bill in Buddy's hand]
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Rob Petrie : Oh, you sing, huh, Kenny?
Kenny Dexter : Yeah, I've been taking voice lessons for three and a half weeks.
Sally Rogers : He's ready, then.
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Rob Petrie : [realizing] Big Max Calvada...
Sally Rogers : I, uh, wonder why he's waitin' to see you.
Rob Petrie : [with growing dread] Because I TOLD him to wait.
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[Nervously, Rob tries to discuss working for Max Calvada privately with Buddy and Sally while Max stands nearby very obviously listening to them]
Rob Petrie : [fearing for their lives] Hey, Sal, whadda you think?
Sally Rogers : Well, um, er, gosh, Rob. I-I-I don't know. What do you think, Buddy?
Buddy Sorrell : Oh, sh - sure. I agree with Rob.
Rob Petrie : Well, there's... uh, there's one thing we... another... that we got to consider is money, you know, because we already have a job.
Sally Rogers : Yeah, The Alan Brady Show.
Buddy Sorrell : Yeah, we... we've got an exclu... exclusive contract.
Sally Rogers : Yeah.
Rob Petrie : That's right.
Max Calvada : That could be worked out.
Rob Petrie : Of course, I imagine that could be worked out.
Sally Rogers : I think so.
Buddy Sorrell : I imagine Mr. Calvada knows Alan Brady.
Max Calvada : He knows ME.
Rob Petrie : And I suppose that, uh, Alan knows him, too.
Sally Rogers : Oh, sure.
Rob Petrie : Then there's the matter of money. We're gonna have to charge an awful lot of money.
Buddy Sorrell : Yeah.
Sally Rogers : A fortune. Don't forget, there's three of us.
Buddy Sorrell : We get a lot of loot for three. Right.
Max Calvada : Money is no object.
Rob Petrie : I would imagine the money's probably no object.
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Max Calvada : He's openin' at the Diamond Club.
Sally Rogers : The Diamond Club?
Rob Petrie : Uh, you weren't, uh, thinking of opening Kenny at the Diamond Club, were you?
Max Calvada : Who's not thinkin' of it?
Rob Petrie : Mr. Calvada, I... I tell you, the Diamond Spot is-is one of the-the top spots around, and-and Kenny... Well, I mean, gifted as he may be, is-is an unknown.
Max Calvada : [not to be argued with] I know 'im. And coincidentally, the performer who is currently appearing there... took sick - next week.
Rob Petrie : Well. Mr. Calvada, couldn't he, couldn't he be sick in 2 weeks?
Max Calvada : I'm sorry, his disease has already been arranged for.
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Sally Rogers : What is big and green and, um, has a big trunk?
Buddy Sorrell : An unripe elephant.
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[Bernard reaches into his coat's inside breast pocket]
Sally Rogers : [figuring it's a gun, shouts...] THIS IS IT!
[Buddy, Sally and Rob dive for the floor]