- Buddy Sorrell: He just thinks Rob is a crook.
- Sally Rogers: Well, why does he think he was a crook?
- Jerry Helper: Well, because he accused Rob of slipping a deck of marked cards into our poker game.
- Sally Rogers: Marked cards? Well, why would he think that?
- Buddy Sorrell: Because that's what Rob did.
- Sally Rogers: Look, is somebody gonna tell me what's going on or do I have to hear the dirty version from the kids in the street?
- Beth Gregory: Oh, Lou, don't take it so seriously. It's just a game.
- Lou Gregory: There's no other way to take it. It's how you play the game. It doesn't matter if you win or lose.
- Buddy Sorrell: As long as you wind up at the end of the evening with all the money.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Look, Ritchie, when you cheat to win, that's naughty, but when you cheat to lose... it's ridiculous.
- Sally Rogers: Boy, look at all the fun I missed. And I, like a dope, went to the dog show.
- Buddy Sorrell: D'you win anything?
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Why would I use marked cards to win ten dollars?
- Buddy Sorrell: Well, it's easier than sticking up a live chicken market.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I'm gonna go put on my lucky slippers.
- Buddy Sorrell: What're gonna do, shuffle the cards with your toes?
- Beth Gregory: Every deck has the same fifty-three cards.
- Lou Gregory: Fifty-two, Beth.
- Beth Gregory: But... you don't count the joker.
- Lou Gregory: Not in this game, dear.
- Beth Gregory: Oh, well, then I'll stop waiting for it.
- Lou Gregory: Oh, I always advise people never to play cards with anybody excepting their friends.
- Jerry Helper: In that case, I pass.
- Millie Helper: I fold.
- Jerry Helper: What do you mean you "fold?" What happened to your new system?
- Millie Helper: That's my system: ante up, take two cards, and fold.
- [Rob's been on a two-hour winning streak]
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [while rapping against the table] Gimme those deuces, and gimme those treys. Gimme those aces - that's the way I plays. Just put your money right in the pot. I'll take it home, and thanks a lot.
- Jerry Helper: Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make. I just broke up a pair of queens to go for a straight. If this is another queen, I'll shoot myself.
- Ritchie Petrie: [reading the back of Jerry's card] Well, Uncle Jerry, you got another queen. You gonna shoot yourself?
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: This is my magic deck.
- Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, magic is right. You just made your friends disappear.
- Sally Rogers: Hey, uh, what was going on? Who was that?
- Laura Petrie: Oh, his name is Lou Gregory and he's a very ungracious man. Hi, Sally.
- Sally Rogers: Oh.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: A little suspicious, too. Hi Sal.
- Sally Rogers: Oh.
- Jerry Helper: Well, you can't blame him. He used to be an assistant district attorney. Hi, Sal.
- Sally Rogers: Hi, Jer. Well, what was he doing here?
- Millie Helper: He's a patient of Jerry's and we invited him over for a nice, frienly evening. Hi, Sal.
- Sally Rogers: Look, if I don't get all the gory details of this, I'm goin' back to the dog show.
- Buddy Sorrell: You still won't win anything.
- Sally Rogers: Oh, shut up.
- Buddy Sorrell: 9, 10, Jack, Queen... Ace?
- Laura Petrie: What happened to your King?
- Buddy Sorrell: Must have abdicated.
- Buddy Sorrell: Hey, come on, Mr. D.A., are you in or out?
- Lou Gregory: I'm a former D.A.
- Buddy Sorrell: I don't want your credentials. I want your money.
- Buddy Sorrell: Hey, how 'bout a little Three Card Barrington?
- Beth Gregory: Three Card Barrington? How do you play that?
- Buddy Sorrell: You just deal three cards. Red nines are wild. Seven of clubs is high. Low card passes. Ace, nine, six, four of all suits is Barrington.
- Millie Helper: And that's when you win?
- Buddy Sorrell: No, that's when everybody gets up and walks around the chairs.
- Beth Gregory: Well, how do ya... how to ya win?
- Buddy Sorrell: Well, while everybody else is walking around the chairs, I grab the money.
- Lou Gregory: [angry that he lost a good hand to Rob] Why, that's pure luck!
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [gloating in a southern accent] Why, sir, down in ole Mississippi we call that "know-how."
- Laura Petrie: Will you stop gloating?
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [still in his accent] All I said was "know-how." You know what means, don't cha? That means that you folks ain't got no chance... no how.