- Scudworth: [looking into a periscope in his office at Joan and Abe] Young, unsuspecting clones. Little do they know... I control them!
- Scudworth: [raises the periscope, which reveals Scudworth's head, wearing a folded paper pirate hat] The greatest minds the world has ever known! For what is more powerful than a high school PRINCIPAL?
- Shadowy Figure: [voice from the shadows] Doctor Scudworth!
- Shadowy Figure: [Scudworth yelps, as the man steps out of the shadows] I'm sorry to disturb you but there's growing concern among the Secret Board of Shadowy Figures that you may be... completely insane.
- Scudworth: Blasphemy!
- [Scudworth slowly removes his pirate hat and places it in a drawer marked Pirate Hats. He smiles at the Shadowy Figure]
- Shadowy Figure: Yeah well you do have a robotic butler named Mr. Butlertron.
- Mr. Butlertron: [Mr. Butlertron enters, carrying a tray] Anyone for scooooones?
- Scudworth: [Takes a scone] Why creating a mechanical British servant is no more eccentric than that tie you're wearing!
- Mr. Butlertron: [Shadowy Figure looks down. He's not wearing a tie. Mr. Butlertron's tray reemerges, carrying a tea pot and a cup] More tea, Wesley?
- Scudworth: He calls everyone Wesley. Don't know why.
- Shadowy Figure: Yeah that's facinating. But we're paying you to monitor these clones as closely as possible, so if you wanna keep your job, you can either write a report proving you know what it's like to be a student at Clone High...
- Scudworth: [Interrupting] I'll do no such thing!
- Shadowy Figure: -Or I'll kill you.
- Scudworth: [Typing on the computer] I'll title it, What It's Like to Be a Teenage Clone, colon, A Rope of Sand.
- Mr. Butlertron: [Mr. Butlertron enters scene] Good title, it draws the reader in without giving too much away.
- Mr. Butlertron: [Long pause] Wesleeeey.
- Abe Lincoln: Have you ever been so attracted to someone that you're afraid you'll blurt out something stupid?
- Joan of Arc: I have a rash on my back.
- Gandhi: [to JFK] Party at your place on Friday, right? Rockin!
- Abe: Yeah, psyched for the rager, JFK... dog!
- JFK: I will see you there, and by will, I mean won't! Hahaha!
- JFK: [walks out, comes back in] 'Cause you're not invited. I, uh, wasn't sure if I was clear earlier. So, uh, you're not. Invited, that is.
- JFK: [walks out, comes back in] To my party!
- JFK: [walks out, comes back in] Forgot to wash my hands!
- Eleanor Roosevelt: [Eleanor Roosevelt has a rather mannish physique] It's time for the Presidential Fitness Test! Where we make you even more insecure about your body by judging you while you perform arbitrary physical tasks!
- Abe: Can't believe we got Eleanor Roosevelt as our gym teacher.
- Joan of Arc: Yeah he's great. Hey Abe, tonight I finally have a night off from the help hotline, which is community service, and I wanted to know if you wanted to carpool to JFK's party...
- Joan of Arc: [Becoming apparent that Abe isn't listening] You know, to save gas...
- Eleanor Roosevelt: [Interrupts and gets in Joan's face] You like talking, Of Arc? Well you can TALK your tight little buns on down to the Principal Scudworth's office!
- Eleanor Roosevelt: [Joan leaves, Eleanor Roosevelt watching her] Slowwwwwly. Ohhhhhh yeah.
- Gandhi: [Joan wants Gandhi to cover the Teen Crisis Hotline that night] Sure I buckled under the pressure of living up to the original Gandhi and became a non-stop party machine, but damnit, I still care. So, Joan, you can count on me.
- Gandhi: [later, on the phone at a huge party] Oh, no, not a party, we're just really busy here at the teen hotline. Whooooo! Suzie, Kelly, do me a favor and make out, aha ha ha ha.
- Gandhi: [returns to the phone]
- Gandhi: So, you're depressed...
- Abe Lincoln: How am I gonna get the beers?
- Gandhi: I've got an idea. Tell him he heard you wrong - tell him what you actually said was "I'll get the *beards*...
- Abe Lincoln: That doesn't make sense.
- Gandhi: But if you think about it, it would still be a pretty sweet party.
- Partygoer: [in Gandhi's thought bubble, wearing a beard] Whoo! Great party!
- Gandhi: Well, Abe just think that you're the biggest loser in the school.
- Joan of Arc: [Everyone laughs at a mural of Gandhi that Van Goh has painted on the wall of the school depicting him in his birthday suit with a tree branch covering his erogenous zone] Thanks Van Goh.
- Gandhi: I hate this school.