Clerks (TV Series)

Leonardo Is Caught in the Grip of an Outbreak of Randal's Imagination and Patrick Swayze Either Does or Doesn't Work in the New Pet Store (2001)

Jeff Anderson: Randal Graves

Photos 

Quotes 

• Randal Graves : And the lightsaber, you turn it on and it goes yea-high. How does it know when to stop?

  Dante Hicks : The Force?

  Randal Graves : Man, that's your answer for everything.

• Dante Hicks : Wow. A new pet store. Wanna go check out the monkey?

  Randal Graves : I guess we should, if we're gonna kill it.

  Dante Hicks : What? Kill a monkey? Are you mad?

  Randal Graves : Man, didn't you see Outbreak? One monkey almost wiped out an entire town and Kevin Spacey with the deadly Motaba virus.

  Dante Hicks : Um, that was a movie. This is real life.

  Randal Graves : You said the same thing about Jaws when we were kids.

  Dante Hicks : Because you refused to sit on the toilet!

  Randal Graves : Sharks swim in water. There's water in the toilet. I rest my case.

  Dante Hicks : Sharks only swim in salt water.

  Randal Graves : I have salt water in my toilet.

  Dante Hicks : You're so naïve.

• [Randal has a box of rotten burritos] 

  Leonardo Leonardo : What the devil are those?

  Randal Graves : Descreeto Burritos.

  Leonardo Leonardo : Why are they steaming and reeking?

  Randal Graves : They're the expensive kind.

  Leonardo Leonardo : I must have them.

• Mr. Plug : What can we do? I'm willing to donate any of my parts and services to help.

  Randal Graves : What are you; some kind of robot?

  Mr. Plug : No, that's just an expression. New program: kill the human Randal.

  Randal Graves : Hey!

  Mr. Plug : That's just an expression too. A robot expression.

• Randal Graves : Check it out, patient zero.

  Randal Graves : [while looking at the monkey]  As God is my witness, monkey, you are not going to infect this town with your deadly virus.

  Randal Graves : Look how scared he is. He's shaking.

  Dante Hicks : No. He's masturbating.

  Randal Graves : Yeah, but it's out of fear.

• Major Baklava : We will need to take a sexual history from both of you. And here to take your sexual his is two giggling girls.

  Giggling Girl : Okay, when was the last time you had sex?

  Dante Hicks : About a year ago.

  Giggling Girl : A year?

  [They laugh at Dante] 

  Dante Hicks : This stinks.

  Randal Graves : Shut up. Maybe we can have sex with them.

  [the girls gasp] 

• [Randal imagines a brain cartoon calculation of the monkey + the rotten burrito + a sick Leonardo - the rotten burrito = with a blank where Dustin Hoffman's head would be] 

  Narrator : Due to the recent lawsuit over the unauthorized use of Dustin Hoffman's likeness, the part of Dustin Hoffman in Randal's brain cartoon calculation will be played by Al Pacino!

  Randal Graves : It's happening, just like in that...

  Narrator : [speaking over Randal]  Al Pacino

  Randal Graves : movie.

• [Randal has not disposed of a box of rotten burritos] 

  Dante Hicks : Could you please get them out of here? They're stinking up the place.

  Randal Graves : I just hope no one ever says that about your parents.

• [the monkey is jumping around] 

  Dante Hicks : What's he doing?

  Jay : Nicotine fit.

  [Silent Bob acts like a monkey] 

  Randal Graves : Well what's he doing?

  Jay : Nicotine fit.