Jeff Anderson: Randal Graves

Quotes 

• [an alcoholic runs in gushing blood from his finger] 

  Alcoholic : Mary, Mother of God! I cut my hand on a rubber band! Do you sell Band Aids?

  Randal Graves : Band Aids is a brand name. The proper term is adhesive strips.

  Dante Hicks : The man is bleeding to death and you're getting into a semantics argument?

  Randal Graves : Man, name brand word association is one of the more subtle threats to this nation's free trade. It gives the larger, well-known companies an unfair advantage. I'm doing my part to keep the playing field level by weaning people off referring to generic products with brand names.

  Dante Hicks : Way to show some backbone.

  Randal Graves : No spine of Jell-O here, my friend.

  Alcoholic : So do you sell adhesive strips or what?

  Randal Graves : No.

  Alcoholic : Well, that's just great. What are we gonna use to hold the merry-go-round together?

• [phone rings] 

  Randal Graves : Quick Stop. Yep. Hey, it's for you, I think it's your dad.

  Dante Hicks : Hello?

  Morpheus : Is your refrigerator running?

  Dante Hicks : That's the oldest one in the book.

  Morpheus : Neo, please. Let me tell you about the Matrix.

  Dante Hicks : No. I'm hanging up.

  Morpheus : Don't hang up. We don't have to talk about the Matrix. We can just talk about... stuff. Your favorite bands, chicks who've broken our hearts... um, the Matrix.

  Dante Hicks : [hangs up] 

• Randal Graves : Wanna go catch a movie tonight?

  Dante Hicks : Can't.

  Randal Graves : Going out to eat with your folks?

  Dante Hicks : Nope.

  Randal Graves : Someone die?

  Dante Hicks : Nope.

  Randal Graves : Gonna kill your folks?

  Dante Hicks : God, no. Did it ever occur to you that I might have a date?

  Randal Graves : Ewww. With your folks?

• Randal Graves : [On the phone]  Hi this is USA today. We are polling people on their spelling for those graphs we do. Can you spell the phrase ICUP?

  Bill Clinton : I don't understand the question.

  Randal Graves : Just spell ICUP.

  Bill Clinton : I don't get it.

  Randal Graves : What's there to get? Just spell ICUP.

  Bill Clinton : I don't get it.

  Randal Graves : Man, I-C-U-P. Get it?

  Bill Clinton : You do?

  Randal Graves : Yeah, whatever.

• Randal Graves : We're not going anywhere. The boss wants us to stay open all night because the fair is in town.

  Dante Hicks : All night. What about the video store?

  Randal Graves : Nope, he wants me to help you man this side. I've told him before that if we kept the video store open, it will cater to the vampire and hooker crowd. But he never listens.

• Randal Graves : With my record, they'll lock me up for life. I've already got a few priors: harassing Rue McClanahan, threatening Estelle Getty, exposing myself to Bea Arthur.

  Dante Hicks : I told you hating the Golden Girls would result in something like this.

  Randal Graves : I regret nothing. Sic semper, Bea Arthur!

• Randal Graves : See, the thing I don't get about Princess Leia is her sovereignty. If you were her, wouldn't you be glad when Grand Moff Tarken blew up Alderaan? I mean, you'd be queen at that point!

  Dante Hicks : Her mom was dead before they blew up Alderaan, so wouldn't she be queen already?

  Randal Graves : Ah, the whole movie's flawed. Like that lightsaber stuff. They turn it on and it only goes yay high. How does it know when to stop?

  Dante Hicks : Um, the Force?

  Randal Graves : Man, that's your answer for everything!

• Walt : You're just jealous because me and Steve-Dave are going to have a sleepover after the fair at my mom's house.

  Randal Graves : Would you two stop it with the sleepovers already. You're in your mid-twenties for God's sake.

  Walt : You're just jealous that me and Steve-Dave are going to do bodypainting at the sleepover too, and play naked robber.

  [Steve-Dave, Randal, and Dante's eyes bug out] 

  Steve-Dave : Uh, I'll have you know that naked robber was one of Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry's favorite party games.

• Randal Graves : Yikes. Just yikes.

  Dante Hicks : Do you think they're cognizant of just how bad they've got it?

  Randal Graves : I hope not.

  Dante Hicks : I'm going to send Caitlynn some flowers. Loan me some money.

  Randal Graves : Ah ah ah. First, you gotta press ham to glass.

  Conehead 1 : Yikes. Just yikes.

  Conehead 2 : Do you think they're cognizant of just how bad they've got it?

  Conehead 1 : I hope not.

• Dante Hicks : This isn't a TV show.

  Randal Graves : Now who's being naive?

• Dante Hicks : You threatened the President?

  Randal Graves : Not today.

• Randal Graves : The Matrix is telling my brain that this is turkey jerky.

• Randal Graves : Those rides are put together by junkies and alcoholics.

  Dante Hicks : No, they're not.

  [an alcoholic and a junkie enter the store] 

  Alcoholic : Do you guys sell Elmer's glue and thumbtacks? We're trying to put together a Tilt-a-Whirl.

  Junkie : Do you guys sell black tar heroin?

  Dante Hicks : No and no.

  Alcoholic : Well, rubber bands it is.

• Randal Graves : Does emasculating mean cool?

  Dante Hicks : Yes.

• Randal Graves : Yo know what I meant to ask you? Do you think, as a nation, we should stick with the electoral college or go back to one man, one vote?

  Dante Hicks : Why do you ask?

  Randal Graves : Just trying to liven up the evening, I guess.

• Dante Hicks : Do you remember the days we used to sit around cursing like sailors, talking about the minutiae of pop culture?

  Randal Graves : Hey, yeah. Sometimes we'd play some hockey on the roof or knock a casket over at a funeral, but other than that, our lives were a lot less episodic. Although Caitlin was still a pretty big whore.