Clerks (TV Series)

Leonardo Leonardo Returns and Dante Has an Important Decision to Make (2001)

Brian O'Halloran: Dante Hicks

Photos 

Quotes 

• Leonardo Leonardo : For far too long, the Quick Stop has been a home for rampant overcharging and poorly educated, rude clerks...

  Dante Hicks : You don't suppose he's talking about us?

  Randal Graves : Naw.

  Leonardo Leonardo : ...with names like Dante and Handal...

  Randal Graves : RANDAL!

• Jay : Listen up! Me and Silent Bob would just like to announce that we quit.

  Randal Graves : You don't work here.

  Jay : Not any more we don't! We'll now be hanging out in front of the Quicker Stop across the street.

  [they walk over to the Quicker Stop] 

  Jay : We'll be over here if anyone comes looking for us.

  Dante Hicks : Ok.

• Randal Graves : Who the hell is Leonardo Leonardo?

  Reporter : [on TV]  "Who the hell is Leonardo Leonardo?" It is a question asked by the poorly educated, whose fingers lie far from the pulse of this little community.

  Randal Graves : *You're* poorly educated.

  Dante Hicks : You're talking to the television.

• [recurring joke] 

  [Dante and Randal are walking up a wall in the style of the Old Batman TV Show] 

  Randal Graves : We're almost there.

  [potted plant shatters on the surface they're walking on] 

  Dante Hicks : Why are we walking like this?

  [camera turns to reveal they are not walking up, but from right to left] 

• Man : Hello? Are you open?

  Randal Graves : [unseen]  Is it safe?

  Man : Yes, it's safe. It's very safe.

  Randal Graves : Is it safe?

  Man : Look, this isn't funny. I just want to buy some smokes.

  Randal Graves : Is it safe?

  Dante Hicks : [unseen, impersonating Buffalo Bill]  It puts the lotion on its skin and puts it in the basket.

  Randal Graves : Shut up man! Is it safe? Is it safe?

  Man : [crying]  I just want to buy some smokes, I just want some smokes!

  Randal Graves : [pause]  Is it safe?

  Man : [screams and runs out of the store] 

  Randal Graves : [standing up from behind counter]  Thirty seconds. You owe me five bucks.

  Dante Hicks : [also standing]  But I don't have five bucks.

  Randal Graves : Just take it out of the register.

  Man : [screams and runs by outside store, now on fire] 

• Randal Graves : Boss says he's shutting the store permanently, the video store too.

  Dante Hicks : Why?

  Randal Graves : I have no idea, but I have a plan.

  [a banner says "Pay As You Exit"] 

  Dante Hicks : This is your plan? 'Pay As You Exit'? Isn't that what the customers were doing already?

  Randal Graves : Kind of. I guess. Shut up!

• Randal Graves : I'll bet he never ordered the dome.

  Dante Hicks : You know, he offered us college.

  Randal Graves : Are you kidding? I haven't seen anything more clearer in my life. Leonardo Leonardo must be destroyed.

  Leonardo Leonardo : [In a room away from Dante and Randal]  I can hear you, you know!

  Randal Graves : It was Dante!

• Man : My god! Leonardo Leonardo is a monster! He must be stopped!

  Dante Hicks : Do you even live here?

  Man : [while walking out]  No! I live in New York! I was on my way to the beach and I stopped to use the restroom!

• Randal Graves : What's a Humanitus?

  Dante Hicks : It's an award for TV shows that don't use words lke "retarded".

  Randal Graves : That's retarded. And queer.