Clerks (TV Series)
Leonardo Leonardo Returns and Dante Has an Important Decision to Make (2001)
Jeff Anderson: Randal Graves
Photos
Quotes
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Randal Graves : Okay, your total comes to 37 cents.
Old Lady : I have a coupon.
[She shows Randal a 50% off coupon]
Randal Graves : 19 cents.
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Leonardo Leonardo : I want to offer you a job working here - for me. I want you lock, stock, and barrel.
Randal Graves : Is this some sort of gay thing?
Leonardo Leonardo : No.
Randal Graves : You're sure?
Leonardo Leonardo : Yyyyyyyyyyyes.
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Leonardo Leonardo : For far too long, the Quick Stop has been a home for rampant overcharging and poorly educated, rude clerks...
Dante Hicks : You don't suppose he's talking about us?
Randal Graves : Naw.
Leonardo Leonardo : ...with names like Dante and Handal...
Randal Graves : RANDAL!
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Jay : Listen up! Me and Silent Bob would just like to announce that we quit.
Randal Graves : You don't work here.
Jay : Not any more we don't! We'll now be hanging out in front of the Quicker Stop across the street.
[they walk over to the Quicker Stop]
Jay : We'll be over here if anyone comes looking for us.
Dante Hicks : Ok.
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Randal Graves : Who the hell is Leonardo Leonardo?
Reporter : [on TV] "Who the hell is Leonardo Leonardo?" It is a question asked by the poorly educated, whose fingers lie far from the pulse of this little community.
Randal Graves : *You're* poorly educated.
Dante Hicks : You're talking to the television.
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[recurring joke]
[Dante and Randal are walking up a wall in the style of the Old Batman TV Show]
Randal Graves : We're almost there.
[potted plant shatters on the surface they're walking on]
Dante Hicks : Why are we walking like this?
[camera turns to reveal they are not walking up, but from right to left]
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Man : Hello? Are you open?
Randal Graves : [unseen] Is it safe?
Man : Yes, it's safe. It's very safe.
Randal Graves : Is it safe?
Man : Look, this isn't funny. I just want to buy some smokes.
Randal Graves : Is it safe?
Dante Hicks : [unseen, impersonating Buffalo Bill] It puts the lotion on its skin and puts it in the basket.
Randal Graves : Shut up man! Is it safe? Is it safe?
Man : [crying] I just want to buy some smokes, I just want some smokes!
Randal Graves : [pause] Is it safe?
Man : [screams and runs out of the store]
Randal Graves : [standing up from behind counter] Thirty seconds. You owe me five bucks.
Dante Hicks : [also standing] But I don't have five bucks.
Randal Graves : Just take it out of the register.
Man : [screams and runs by outside store, now on fire]
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Randal Graves : Boss says he's shutting the store permanently, the video store too.
Dante Hicks : Why?
Randal Graves : I have no idea, but I have a plan.
[a banner says "Pay As You Exit"]
Dante Hicks : This is your plan? 'Pay As You Exit'? Isn't that what the customers were doing already?
Randal Graves : Kind of. I guess. Shut up!
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Randal Graves : I'll bet he never ordered the dome.
Dante Hicks : You know, he offered us college.
Randal Graves : Are you kidding? I haven't seen anything more clearer in my life. Leonardo Leonardo must be destroyed.
Leonardo Leonardo : [In a room away from Dante and Randal] I can hear you, you know!
Randal Graves : It was Dante!
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Randal Graves : [a la "Cheers"] "Clerks" is drawn by a live studio audience.
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Randal Graves : Looks like it was built by a re-re.
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Randal Graves : What's a Humanitus?
Dante Hicks : It's an award for TV shows that don't use words lke "retarded".
Randal Graves : That's retarded. And queer.