Clerks (TV Series)

Leonardo Leonardo Returns and Dante Has an Important Decision to Make (2001)

Alec Baldwin: Leonardo Leonardo

Photos 

Quotes 

• Leonardo Leonardo : I want to offer you a job working here - for me. I want you lock, stock, and barrel.

  Randal Graves : Is this some sort of gay thing?

  Leonardo Leonardo : No.

  Randal Graves : You're sure?

  Leonardo Leonardo : Yyyyyyyyyyyes.

• Leonardo Leonardo : For far too long, the Quick Stop has been a home for rampant overcharging and poorly educated, rude clerks...

  Dante Hicks : You don't suppose he's talking about us?

  Randal Graves : Naw.

  Leonardo Leonardo : ...with names like Dante and Handal...

  Randal Graves : RANDAL!

• Leonardo Leonardo : [On intercom]  Welcome to Quicker Stop, home of both convenience and quality only, quicker. Plus a selection of high end adult magazines.

  Leonardo Leonardo : While you're here, shop at our best seller department complete with its own coffee bar.

  Leonardo Leonardo : Or drop by our music shop also with its own coffee bar.

  Leonardo Leonardo : Or perhaps you'd rather visit our international coffee bar complete with its own little book department which has its own super teeny tiny coffee bar inside. And a selection of tiny adult magazines.

  Leonardo Leonardo : And finally, as you enter the hall of mirrors, you might notice, you're not alone. For you see, I'm shopping with you.

  Customer : The dead live!

  [the customer freaks out and runs out of the store] 

  Customer : [the customer runs back inside to purchase groceries, then runs back out] 

  [the customer runs back in to pay for groceries, and runs back out again] 

  Cashier : Sir, your change.

  [the customer returns for his change, and runs out with his groceries] 

  Leonardo Leonardo : Phase one complete.

• Randal Graves : I'll bet he never ordered the dome.

  Dante Hicks : You know, he offered us college.

  Randal Graves : Are you kidding? I haven't seen anything more clearer in my life. Leonardo Leonardo must be destroyed.

  Leonardo Leonardo : [In a room away from Dante and Randal]  I can hear you, you know!

  Randal Graves : It was Dante!

• [repeated line] 

  Leonardo Leonardo : Well played, Clerks.

• Plug : Sir, we've just received this report. Apparently, the Quick Stop is still in business.

  Leonardo Leonardo : I see... bring this Quick Stop to me.

  Plug : Sir, it's a store.

  Leonardo Leonardo : BRING IT!

  Plug : Okay... how about I just bring you the two kids that run it instead?

  Leonardo Leonardo : Very well... for now!

• Leonardo Leonardo : Do you like my desk? I built it myself. And I have all these pieces left.

• Leonardo Leonardo : My vengeance will be neither swift nor entertaining! I will mete it out over decades, so that you will wonder if the misery in your life is manifest, the machinations of Leonardo Leonardo, or... some third thing. Good day!