- Captain Jim Brass: Did you hear the one about the comedian who died onstage, literally?
- Catherine Willows: Ba-dum-bum.
- Captain Jim Brass: I'll be here all week.
- Gil Grissom: Excuse me. Can you please turn down the house lights and turn on the stage lights?
- [stage light comes onto Grissom]
- Gil Grissom: I want to see what he saw right before he died.
- Catherine Willows: What do you see?
- Gil Grissom: Nothing.
- Catherine Willows: What are you looking for?
- [beat]
- Gil Grissom: A punchline?
- Captain Jim Brass: Ba-dum-bum.
- Michael Borland: [after he has been mocking Dougie Max] Shut up. Shut up. Don't you get it? Are you that stupid? I am making fun of you. I'm the lowest common denominator in comedy when I do that crap. The only way I could get you to stop laughing now is if I went to every single table and slit every one of your throats. I can see that I'm getting the red light, ladies and gentlemen, and that means it's time for me to stop.
- [singing]
- Michael Borland: Stop with the hate and stop with the fear.
- [stops singing]
- Michael Borland: Stop with the lies.
- [starts to walk down the aisle]
- Michael Borland: Comedy, uh, comedy is supposed to be about the truth. You know, uh, I killed tonight. And I, uh, killed, uh, two nights ago. Dougie Max. Uh... on this stage. 'Cause I despised everything he stood for. Dumb people, like you. You think I did a disservice to the world by killing Dougie Max? You ought to give me a parade. But the shame of it is... is that uh, an innocent kid got killed too and, uh, I blame you.
- [points to Grissom]
- Michael Borland: Yeah, I, uh, I didn't think you were going to get the joke.
- Gil Grissom: Oh, I got it. It just wasn't funny.