- Buffy Summers: When you look back at this, in the three seconds it'll take you to turn to dust, I think you'll find the mistake was touching my stuff.
- Willow Rosenberg: He said he wasn't coming back until he'd driven to all fifty states.
- Buffy Summers: Did you explain about Hawaii?
- Willow Rosenberg: Well, he seemed so determined.
- Willow Rosenberg: It's just in high school, knowledge was pretty much frowned upon. You really had to *work* to learn anything. But here, the energy, the-the collective intelligence, it's like this force, t-this penetrating force, an-and I can just feel my mind opening up, you know, an-and letting this place just thrust into and-and spurt knowledge into... That sentence ended up in a different place than it started out in.
- Eddie: Of Human Bondage. Have you ever read it?
- Buffy Summers: Oh, I'm not really into porn. I mean, I'm just- I'm tryin' to cut way back.
- Giles: I've been awake all night. I know I'm supposed to teach you self-reliance, but I can't leave you out there to fight alone. To hell with what's right! I-I-I'm ready to back you up. Let's find that evil and-and-and-and fight it together.
- Conservative Woman: Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
- Buffy Summers: Uh, you know I meant to, and-and then I just got really busy.
- Rupert Giles: I'm not supposed to have a private life?
- Buffy Summers: No! Because you're very, very old and it's gross.
- Buffy Summers: How do you get to be renowned? I mean, like, do you have to be "nowned" first?
- Willow Rosenberg: Yes, first there's the painful "nowning" process.
- Xander Harris: Buffy, this is all about fear. It's understandable, but you can't let it control ya. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to anger... no, wait. Hold on... Fear leads to hate. Hate leads to the dark side... Hold on. No. Um... first you get the women, then you get the money, then you... Okay, can we forget that?
- Sunday: Oh, I'm-I'm Sunday. I'll be killing you here in a minute or so.
- Buffy Summers: You know, that threat gets more frightening every time I hear it.
- Rookie: Uh, are we gonna fight, or is there just gonna be a monster sarcasm rally?
- Sunday: What about breaking your arm? How does that feel, huh?
- Buffy Summers: Let me answer that question with a head-butt.
- Buffy Summers: You got a nice setup here. But you made one mistake.
- Sunday: What was that?
- Buffy Summers: Well, I'm not actually positive, but statistically speaking people usually make at least Well, I'm not actually positive, but statistically speaking people usually make at least...
- [Sunday punches her]
- Xander Harris: Well, some friends of Buffy's played a funny joke and they took her stuff and now she wants us to help get it back from her friends who sleep all day and have no tans.
- Xander Harris: Let me tell you something. When it is dark and I'm all alone and I'm scared or freaked out or whatever... I always think... "What would Buffy do?" You're my hero... Okay, sometimes when it's dark and I'm all alone I'd think, "What is Buffy wearing?"
- Buffy Summers: Can that be one of those things you never, ever tell me about?
- Xander Harris: You up for a little reconnaissance?
- Buffy Summers: You mean where we all sculpt and paint and stuff?
- Xander Harris: No, that was the Renaissance.
- Buffy Summers: Oh. I've had a really long week.
- Sunday: [to Buffy] I must say, you've really got me now. I mean, this is a diabolical plan. Throw yourself at my feet with a broken arm and no weapons of any kind. How am I gonna get out of this one?
- Buffy Summers: It's too bad Giles couldn't be librarian here. Be convenient.
- Willow Rosenberg: Well, he says he's enjoying being a gentleman of leisure.
- Buffy Summers: Gentleman of leisure? Isn't that just British for unemployed?
- Willow Rosenberg: Uh-huh. He's a slacker now.
- Eddie: Did you , uh, lose your way?
- Buffy Summers: Me? Oh, no, no, no. I'm just going to Fischer Hall which I know is on the Earth planet... Recently voted "Most pathetic," uh-huh.
- Eddie: Mmm, well, I'm lost, and I have a map, so...
- Buffy Summers: Oh! I come in second.
- [last lines]
- Xander Harris: So, college not so scary after all, huh?
- Buffy Summers: It's turning out to be a lot like high school which I can handle. At least I know what to expect.
- Willow Rosenberg: Ooh, boyfriend! It's my on-campus boyfriend.
- Buffy Summers: Oh no, I forgot to pick mine up. Line's probably really long now, too.
- Professor Maggie Walsh: Okay, this is Psych 105, Introduction to Psychology. I'm Professor Walsh. Those of you who fall into my good graces will come to know me as Maggie. Those of you who don't will come to know me by the name my T.A.s use and think I don't know about, the Evil Bitch-Monster of Death.
- Buffy Summers: I don't really have a security blanket... unless, of course, you count Mr. Pointy.
- Eddie: Mr. Pointy?
- Buffy Summers: [quickly changing subject] Oh, bike path.
- Sunday: Guys, this is totally... mine.
- Rookie: Okay, but you gotta share the eatin', 'cause I'm thinkin' Slayer's blood's gotta be whoa, like Thai Stick.
- Buffy Summers: I thought people were supposed to get smarter in college.
- Dav: Yeah, I'm hungry.
- Sunday: What a shock. We eat when I say we eat.
- Dav: Well, we could hit the tunnels...
- Sunday: We eat...
- [face vamps out]
- Sunday: *when I say we eat*!
- Dav: God, lighten up.
- Rookie: I think it's funny when you scream. It's like...
- [growls]
- Rookie: , whoa!
- Sunday: I gotta get me some better lackeys, I swear!
- [first lines]
- Buffy Summers: [sighs] Anything?
- Willow Rosenberg: Ah!
- [reading]
- Willow Rosenberg: "Introduction to the Modern Novel. A survey study of 20th century novelists." Open to freshmen. You might like that.
- Buffy Summers: Introduction to the Modern Novel...? I'm guessing I'd probably have to read the modern novel.
- Willow Rosenberg: Maybe more than one.
- Buffy Summers: I like books... I just don't want to take on too much... Do they have an Introduction to the Modern Blurb?
- Willow Rosenberg: Oh! "Short Story."
- Prof. Riegert: Do you understand? You are sucking energy from everyone in this room. They came here to learn. Get out.
- Buffy Summers: I didn't mean to... suck.