- Prince Ludwig: But if you gentlemen were to tell me a way to, let us say, gain access to your Queen, I might just be able to commute your deaths to a life sentence.
- Blackadder: Are you suggesting we betray her?
- Prince Ludwig: Oh yes.
- Blackadder: All right.
- Lord Melchett: Blackadder, what are you saying? What of loyalty, honor, self-respect?
- Blackadder: What of them?
- Lord Melchett: Nothing.
- Queen Elizabeth I: [Speaking of Edmund:] Well then he's vanished. Simply vanished.
- Lord Percy Percy: Like an old oak table.
- Queen Elizabeth I: Vanished, Lord Percy, not varnished.
- Queen Elizabeth I: Lord Percy...
- Lord Percy Percy: Yes?
- Queen Elizabeth I: It's up to you. Either you can shut up, or you can have your head cut off.
- Lord Percy Percy: [thinks for a few seconds] I'll shut up.
- Prince Ludwig: Do you remember when you were in Cornwall, at the monastery, there was an old shepherd wizh whom you used to talk?
- Lord Melchett: Good Lord! Timkins?
- Prince Ludwig: Yes! I was one of his sheep!
- Lord Melchett: His sheep? Not...
- Prince Ludwig: Yes!
- Lord Melchett: Flossy?
- Prince Ludwig: Yes!
- Lord Melchett: But didn't we...
- Prince Ludwig: Yes, Lord Melchett! Baaaaaa!
- Blackadder: Get out, get out libidinous swine! And take that horse-slut painted strumpet with you. May you both rot in the filth of your own fornication!
- Queen Elizabeth I: And what did you say to him?
- Blackadder: Say, Madam? I said nothing. I simply pulled up my tights and jumped out of the privy window.
- Queen Elizabeth I: Oh Edmund, you're so naughty!
- Blackadder: Well, I try, Madam. And then, ten minutes later when I've got my breath back, I try again.
- Blackadder: One thing, Ludwig, just before you go...
- Prince Ludwig: What?
- Blackadder: Were you ever bullied at school?
- Prince Ludwig: What do you mean?
- Blackadder: Well, all this ranting and raving about power, there must be some reason for it.
- Prince Ludwig: Nonsense, no, no, at my school having dirty hair and spots was a sign of maturity.
- Blackadder: I thought so! And I bet your mother made you wear shorts right up to your final year.
- Prince Ludwig: Shut up! SHUT UP! When I am King of England, no one will ever dare call me Shorty Greasy Spot-Spot again!
- Blackadder: Who the hell are you, sausage breath?
- Mad Prince Ludwig: You do not remember me then, Herr Blackadder?
- Blackadder: I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
- Mad Prince Ludwig: Oh, on the contrary. We have met many times, although you knew me by another name. Do you recall a mysterious black marketeer and smuggler called Otto with whom you used to dine and plot and play ze biscuit game at ze old pizzel in Dover?
- Blackadder: My God!
- Mad Prince Ludwig: Yes! I... was the waitress!
- Blackadder: I don't believe it! You? Big Sally?
- Mad Prince Ludwig: [falsetto] Will you have another piece of pie, my Lord?
- Blackadder: But I went to bed with you, didn't I?
- Mad Prince Ludwig: For my country, I am willing to make any sacrifice.
- Blackadder: Yes, well I'm not. I must have been paralytic!
- Lord Melchett: [Blackadder and Melchett are chained in Prince Ludwig's dungeon] Alas! shall I never see England more? Her rolling fields, her swooping swallows...
- Blackadder: ...And her playful sheep.
- Blackadder: Oh, fire, fire. Ah good. Right. So let's recap. Um... if I admit that I am in love...
- Torturer: No! No!
- Blackadder: Sorry, head over heels in love with Satan and all his little wizards, then you will remove my testicles with a blunt instrument...
- Torturer: Una guadaña, una guadaña.
- Blackadder: ...resembling some kind of gardening tool but we can't quite... um... and roast them over a large fire.
- Torturer: Si, Si.
- Blackadder: Whereas if I don't admit that I'm in love with Satan and... and... all his... his little wizards, y-you will hold me upside down in a vat of warm marmalade.
- Torturer: Y!
- Blackadder: And remove my testicles with a blunt... oh I see. Well, well, in that case, I love Satan.
- Blackadder: We told him that if the queen was having a party, that Nursie always goes as a cow. From that moment, he was doomed. All we had to do was escape, return, and kill the cow.
- Queen Elizabeth I: How could you be sure it was not Nursie?
- Blackadder: Because, lady, Ludwig was a master of disguise. Whereas Nursie is a sad, insane old woman with an udder fixation. All we had to do was kill the one that looked like the cow.
- [Melchett and Blackadder are prisoners of Prince Ludwig]
- Lord Melchett: What say you, Blackadder, I sing a song to keep our spirits up.
- Blackadder: That all depends whether you want the slop bucket over your head or not.
- Lord Melchett: Well, perhaps some pleasant word game.
- Blackadder: Yes, all right. Make a sentence out of the following words: Face, sodding, your, shut.
- Lord Melchett: This is no time for jokes Blackadder, we've been kidnapped!
- Blackadder: [remembering that he said 'only real idiots get kidnapped'] Ooooh God! How incredibly embarrassing!
- Queen Elizabeth: And me, did you miss me Edmund?
- Blackadder: Madam, life without you is like a broken pencil.
- Queen Elizabeth: Explain...
- Blackadder: Pointless.
- Blackadder: For "young man," read "young idiot." Look, anyone stupid enough to let some mustachioed dago come up to them in a corridor, say "Excuse me Meester," and hit them over the head with a big stick deserves everything they get.
- Blackadder: No speako dago. I demand to see the British Ambassador, understand?
- Torturer: Necesito silencio para comenzar.
- Prince Ludwig: Forgive me, Herr Blackadder... I have been neglecting my duties as a host. Please accept my a-po'-lo'-gies.
- Blackadder: I accept nothing from a man who imprisons his guests in a commode.
- Blackadder: Oh, yes. We are proud of our comic serving-wench voice, aren't we? Just because we can say 'Zur' instead of 'Sir,' it seems at all social gatherings the tedious little turd who keeps putting on amusing voices.
- Prince Ludwig: [miffed] BE QUIET!
- Blackadder: What else have you got in your astoundingly inventive repertoire, I wonder? Aaah, a brilliant drunk Glasweigan, no doubt. An hilarious black man: 'See you Jimmy, where am dat watty-melon?' Oh, fabulous. I can't wait for your side-splitting poof, and that funny little croaky one who isn't anyone in particular, but is such a scream. And most of all, I like the one you do all the time, the fatheaded German chamber pot standing in front of me.
- Prince Ludwig: Unless she pays up, you die. Howwibly.
- Blackadder: She will pay up. And then within a week, you die. Howwibly howwibly.
- Prince Ludwig: You find yourself amusing, Blackadder.
- Blackadder: I try not to fly in the face of public opinion.
- Prince Ludwig: Y'know, I think, I think that a week from now, you'll be less in the mood for being amusing.
- Blackadder: At least when I am in the mood, I can be amusing.
- Prince Ludwig: I shall read it to you.
- Blackadder: Ah, typical master criminal, loves the sound of his own voice.
- Prince Ludwig: [laughs] Oh, what joy. See how you collapse before me you great and corruptible English nobs. So proud of your great, big 'stiff upper lips'.
- Lord Percy Percy: Welcome Edmund. Did you... miss me?
- Blackadder: I certainly did. Many was a time, Percy, I say to myself, 'I wish Percy was here'...
- [Percy gets sentimental]
- Blackadder: ...being tortured instead of me.
- Blackadder: [to Ludwig's henchman] Yes, what is it?
- [henchman hits Blackadder on the head]
- Blackadder: [angry] I said, what is it, not hit me hard on the head with a...
- [collapses]
- Prince Ludwig: I shall return and wreak my rewengey!
- Blackadder: No you won't, you will die and be buried.
- [throws knife at him]
- Queen Elizabeth: Unfortunately, apart from my nose getting a little prettier, nothing much has changed around here. Your animal still isn't housetrained, Percy's still unemployed, and Nursie's one stick short of a bundle.
- Nursie: Moo!
- Blackadder: Well, as you know, Madam, I have had experience of this dreadful situation. Only last year my aunt came to me to beg for help in the ransom of my Uncle Osric.
- Lord Melchett: Well, then you know something of the dreadful pain involved.
- Blackadder: Indeed I do. And can suggest no better answer than the one I gave to her.
- Queen Elizabeth I: Which was?
- Blackadder: "Get stuffed."
- Blackadder: Awh, God, God, God. What on earth was I drinking last night? My head feels like there's a Frenchman living in it. Where am I?
- Lord Melchett: [groans] Ooohhhh...
- Blackadder: Who's that?
- Lord Melchett: It is I, Melchett.
- Blackadder: Melchett! You really ought to get this house of yours cleaned up, you know. It's a real mess!
- Lord Melchett: This is no time for jokes, Blackadder! We've been kidnapped!
- Queen Elizabeth I: Oh I don't know, I've looked everywhere.
- Lord Percy Percy: [concentrating intensely] Perhaps... they're not... hiding... at all! Perhaps they've been kidnapped!
- Queen Elizabeth I: Nonsense! As Edmund said, "Only real idiots get kidnapped."
- [At the Queen's costume party, Baldrick is crouched with two pencils up his nose]
- Queen Elizabeth: What are you meant to be?
- Baldrick: A pencil case.
- Baldrick: I heard quite an amusing story myself the other day.
- Blackadder: Oh, good.
- [Blackadder walks away]