Blackadder Goes Forth (TV Series)
General Hospital (1989)
Rowan Atkinson: Captain Edmund Blackadder
Photos
Quotes
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Captain Blackadder : I spy with my bored little eye something beginning with "T".
Private Baldrick : Breakfast.
Captain Blackadder : What?
Private Baldrick : My breakfast always begins with tea. Then I have a little sausage, then a egg with some little soldiers.
Captain Blackadder : Baldrick, when I said it begins with "T", I was talking about a letter.
Private Baldrick : Nah - it never begins with a letter. The postman don't come till 10.30.
Captain Blackadder : I can't go on with this. George, take over.
Lieutenant George : All right, sir. Umm... I spy with my little eye something beginning with "R"
Private Baldrick : Army.
Captain Blackadder : For God's sake, Baldrick. Army starts with an "A". He's looking for something that starts with an "R". Rrrrrrr.
Private Baldrick : Motorbike
Captain Blackadder : What?
Private Baldrick : Well, a motorbike starts with an rrrrm rrrrm rrrrm.
Captain Blackadder : Right, right, right. My turn again. What begins with "Come here" and ends in "Ow"?
Private Baldrick : I don't know.
Captain Blackadder : Come here.
Private Baldrick : [Blackadder punches Baldrick in the face] Ow!
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[Blackadder is informed that a German spy is stealing battle plans]
General Melchett : You look surprised, Blackadder.
Captain Blackadder : I certainly am, sir. I didn't realise we had any battle plans.
General Melchett : Well, of course we have! How else do you think the battles are directed?
Captain Blackadder : Our battles are directed, sir?
General Melchett : Well, of course they are, Blackadder, directed according to the Grand Plan.
Captain Blackadder : Would that be the plan to continue with total slaughter until everyone's dead except Field Marshal Haig, Lady Haig and their tortoise, Alan?
General Melchett : Great Scott! Even you know it!
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Captain Blackadder : [sees Darling in the hospital] Darling, what are you doing here?
Captain Darling : Bullet in the foot.
Captain Blackadder : I can understand people at the front lines shooting themselves but you're 30 miles behind the trenches.
Captain Darling : I didn't do it, the general did it.
Captain Blackadder : Got tired of you already has he?
Captain Darling : He wasn't aiming at my foot.
Captain Blackadder : Oh so he was going for your head.
Captain Darling : He wasn't aiming at anything.
Captain Blackadder : So he was aiming for between your legs.
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[Blackadder is interrogating Captain Darling who is suspected of being a German spy]
Captain Darling : I'm as British as Queen Victoria!
Captain Blackadder : So your father's German, you're half German, and you married a German!
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[after his interrogation]
Captain Darling : You'll regret this Blackadder. You'd better find the real spy or I'll make it very hard for you.
Captain Blackadder : Please, Darling. There are ladies present.
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General Melchett : Is this true, Blackadder? Did Captain Darling pooh-pooh you?
Captain Blackadder : Well, perhaps a little.
General Melchett : Well, then, damn it all! What more evidence do you need? The pooh-poohing alone is a court martial offense!
Captain Blackadder : I can assure you, sir, that the pooh-poohing was purely circumstantial.
General Melchett : Well, I hope so, Blackadder. You know, if there's one thing I've learnt from being in the Army, it's never ignore a pooh-pooh. I knew a Major, who got pooh-poohed, made the mistake of ignoring the pooh-pooh. He pooh-poohed it! Fatal error! 'Cos it turned out all along that the soldier who pooh-poohed him had been pooh-poohing a lot of other officers who pooh-poohed their pooh-poohs. In the end, we had to disband the regiment. Morale totally destroyed... by pooh-pooh!
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Nurse Mary : [in bed together, Nurse Mary is asking Blackadder whether he has a girl back home in England] And no casual girlfriends?
Captain Blackadder : Skirt? Ha! If only. When I joined up we were still fighting colonial wars. If you saw someone in a skirt you shot him and nicked his country.
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[Blackadder thinks Nurse Mary is a German spy]
Captain Blackadder : And then the final, irrefutable proof. Remember, you mentioned a clever boyfriend...
Nurse Mary : Yes.
Captain Blackadder : I then leapt on the opportunity to test you. I asked if he'd been to one of the great universities, Oxford, Cambridge, or Hull.
Nurse Mary : Well?
Captain Blackadder : You failed to spot that only two of those are great Universities.
Nurse Mary : Swine!
General Melchett : That's right! Oxford's a complete dump!
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Captain Blackadder : So in the name of security, sir, everyone who enters the room has to have his bottom fondled by this drooling pervert?
Captain Darling : I'm only doing my job, Blackadder.
Captain Blackadder : Well, how lucky you are then that your job is also your hobby.
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Captain Blackadder : Can anyone tell me what's going on?
Captain Darling : Security, Blackadder.
Captain Blackadder : Security?
General Melchett : Security isn't a dirty word, Blackadder. Crevice is a dirty word, but security isn't.
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Nurse Mary : When this war is over, do you think we might get to know each other a little better?
Captain Blackadder : Yes, why not? When this madness has finished, perhaps we could go cycling together. Take a trip down to the old Swan at Henley and go for a walk in the woods.
Nurse Mary : Yes. Or we could just do it right now on the desk.
Captain Blackadder : Yeah, OK.
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General Melchett : Something's the matter. Something sinister and something grotesque. And what's worse is that it's going on right here under my very nose.
Captain Blackadder : [protesting] Sir, your moustache is lovely...
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Nurse Mary : Cigarette?
Captain Blackadder : No thank you, I only smoke cigarettes after making love. So back in England I'm a twenty-a-day man.
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Lieutenant George : Ah Cap, I hear you've been seeing a lot of Nurse Mary.
Captain Blackadder : Yes, almost all of her in fact.
Lieutenant George : How is she Sir?
Captain Blackadder : Unbelievable.
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Captain Blackadder : I think you might be under a slight misapprehension here, Nurse. I lost closer friends than "Darling Georgie" the last time I was deloused.
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Captain Blackadder : What about you? Have you got a man? Some fine fellow in an English country village? A vicar maybe? Quiet, gentle, hung like a baboon?