- Jed Clampett: You know, the only way you'd get a housekeeper past Granny is to hold a shotgun on her.
- Elly May Clampett: Even that might not work. She's dead set agin 'em.
- Milburn Drysdale: As tough as she is, she'd make a terrific guard.
- Jane Hathaway: Oh Chief, not a guard for the bank.
- Milburn Drysdale: No, for the Los Angeles Rams.
- Daisy Moses: Alright, you can cook. I reckon you need the money. Why don't you do something with these hog jowls, grits, and collard greens.
- Mrs. Meek: I don't take out garbage.
- Jed Clampett: Well, until he talks her into havin' you around, it might be safer for you to wait outside, maybe even down the street a piece.
- Jed Clampett: Miss Jane, you was up at the house. You seen Granny doing her housework?
- Jane Hathaway: Well I only saw her briefly. When I was there, she was in a tizzy.
- Jed Clampett: Tizzy, huh? She's started cleanin' things I never heard of.