- Jed Clampett: Naw, Mr. Drysdale, she shot at yer hat. If that little old woman ever goes to throwin' lead at you, you be castin' a polka-dot shada.
- Daisy Moses: Stop in yer tracks while you're able to make 'em! Now you turn around! Walk towards our house.
- Ravenswood: I refuse to take one step.
- Daisy Moses: [Granny fires a shot] Now, you wanna walk or you wanna limp?
- Milburn Drysdale: Sonny?
- Jane Hathaway: Jilted Ellie May?
- Jed Clampett: Well, that's what we call it. He sparked her for two weeks runnin', took her drivin', dancin', held her hand, kept her out past dark. Back where we come from, that's just the same as sayin' "Will ya?," provided the girl is twelve or better.
- Elly May Clampett: You won't hit Pa, will ya, Granny?
- Daisy Moses: Don't worry, honey. I can hit a new laid egg outta the nest without budgin' the hen.
- Jane Hathaway: Maria, tell me more about your frightening experience with Jethro.
- Marie: Well, there was a knock, I opened the door, and Jethro just swept me up into his big strong arms, held me tight and wouldn't let me go.
- Jane Hathaway: And he said that was feuding?
- Marie: Yes, that's why I was afraid to open the door right now.
- Jane Hathaway: Marie, you've... been through a shattering ordeal. Go and lie down. I'll watch the front door.
- Jed Clampett: I keep atellin' you and atellin' you, I got $25 million dollars in Mr. Drysdale's bank.
- First Psychiatrist: No, you didn't. They caught you before you got a penny.
- Jed Clampett: [examining Milburn's severed phone lines] Yep, been cut with a rifle bullet. Kind of ragged though. Jethro must have been upset.
- Milburn Drysdale: That's bad shooting to cut those little wires with a rifle?
- Jed Clampett: Why, when that boy puts his mind to it, he can pick a gnat off a plate o' grits at five hundred feet in a heavy fog.
- Jed Clampett: What's skeet?
- Milburn Drysdale: Well, they're clay pigeons. That's what *I* shoot.
- Jed Clampett: Clay pigeons?
- Milburn Drysdale: Oh, it's wonderful. I love it.
- Jed Clampett: Your wife must be a first-rate cook.