- Daisy Moses: [Granny and Jed are discussing Jethro] Heaven help us. When that boy is around a pretty girl, he plumb loses what *little* sense he's got!
- Jed Clampett: Does seem to rattle him a mite.
- Daisy Moses: Put that boy next to a girl, and he couldn't pour sand out of his boot if the direction were wrote on the heel!
- Jed Clampett: As he gets bigger, he'll get smarter. Of course it does seem the one is happenin' a lot quicker'n the other.
- Jane Hathaway: These are excellent books on the subject.
- Milburn Drysdale: Forget it. They've got to have someone who's played the game to explain football.
- Jane Hathaway: I didn't realize. Where did you play?
- Milburn Drysdale: Michigan. Minnesota.
- Jane Hathaway: Really?
- Milburn Drysdale: Yep, there was a vacant lot on the corner of Michigan and Minnesota.
- Daisy Moses: [Mr. Drysdale offers to teach the whole Clampett family how to play football] Granny's out in the kitchen.
- Elly May Clampett: Well, let's get out there with the old pigskin.
- Daisy Moses: Mr. Drysdale, I wouldn't call her that to her face.
- Jethro Bodine: I'm goin' to that big courtin' parlor in the sky.
- Jed Clampett: You get this stuff rusty and you're goin' to that little woodshed out back.
- Elly May Clampett: Whenever we were in trouble, the quarterback would call my number.
- Daisy Moses: And you'd tell him what to do on the phone, huh?
- Elly May Clampett: No, I was in the game. He'd call on me to take a hand off.
- Jed Clampett: Take your hand off what?
- Jethro Bodine: [Mr. Drysdale hurt himself when he bent over to pick up the ball] Your sacroiliac again?
- Elly May Clampett: Yes. Get me home quick before Granny tries to doctor me.
- Elly May Clampett: What's that about my new maid?
- Jethro Bodine: Jethro's enamored of her.
- Daisy Moses: Oh no ma'am! He likes her a heap.
- Maid Linda Curry: [Linda tries to talk Mr. Drysdale into buying a color TV] You can get a 21-inch for $400.
- Elly May Clampett: Four hundred!
- [straightens his back]
- Elly May Clampett: That fixed my back, saved me a doctor bill.