- Jed Clampett: [Elly May calls her chimp 'Cousin Bessie'] You hadn't ought to call that critter 'cousin', Elly.
- Elly May Clampett: But why not?
- Jed Clampett: Well, you see, Jethro's your cousin and that puts Jethro and her in the same... well, never mind. I reckon I just gotta get used to bein' a monkey's uncle.
- Mr. Pinckney: You are never to address me as Arthur, only as Mr. Pinckney, sir.
- Daisy Moses: I ain't no sir!
- Jed Clampett: I wouldn't fault him for that. Maybe he don't see so good, he's lost half his glasses.
- Jed Clampett: Mr. Pinckney, we want you to think of yourself as one of the family.
- Mr. Pinckney: What a nauseating suggestion.
- Daisy Moses: He had to set the table for me. Durn fool had 5 forks at every plate, 4 knives, and 3 spoons.
- Mr. Pinckney: I shall fight you in the drawing room, I shall fight you in the bed chambers, I shall fight you in the kitchen, and I shall so bear myself that if Arthur Pinckney and his fame last for a thousand years, men will still say, This was his finest hour.
- Daisy Moses: [looking at the signs Jethro made for the boarding house] Did you make a sign about my lye soap?
- Jethro Bodine: [showing her the sign] Oh yeah Granny. Free lye soap.
- Daisy Moses: Oh that will draw them in like flies.
- Jed Clampett: You got to throw in a little extra with those stiff rates you're charging.
- Daisy Moses: Well Jed I'm giving every boarder a private room and all he can eat.
- Jed Clampett: Yeah but a dollar a night?
- Daisy Moses: Well I figure that will keep out the riff-raff.
- Mr. Pinckney: Young man, kindly remove your cousin from the chandelier.
- Jethro Bodine: Oh heck, Bessie ain't my cousin.
- Mr. Pinckney: Really?
- Mr. Pinckney: What is that?
- [points to the chimp dusting the chandelier]
- Elly May Clampett: That's Cousin Bessie.
- Mr. Pinckney: [Pinckney's monocle falls out] Cousin Bessie?
- Elly May Clampett: Yeah. Ain't she a doozy. Why she can hang on with one hand and dust with three.
- Mr. Pinckney: You're setting a fine example for young Master Jethro.
- Jed Clampett: Come on, young Mosster Jethro.
- Mr. Pinckney: I will dress you, sir.
- Jed Clampett: You'll what?
- Mr. Pinckney: Dress you, sir.
- Jed Clampett: I wouldn't bet on that.
- Mr. Pinckney: But you need my help, sir.
- Jed Clampett: I been dressin' myself for a lotta years and I aim to keep right on doin' it.
- Mr. Pinckney: I insist, sir.
- Jed Clampett: You wanna dress me, you got to shoot me and skin me first.