- Lance Bradford: [Lance is selecting a secretary] Alright girls, attention! As I point to you, take one pace forward and state your name and qualifications. The choice will be made on individual merit.
- Janet Butterfield: Janet Butterfield, 2, 80, 100.
- Jane Hathaway: That means she's been here 2 years, can type 80 words per minute, and take dictation at the rate of one hundred.
- Susan Graham: Susan Graham, 2, 85, 110.
- Helen Thompson: Helen Thompson, 3, 90, 115.
- Patricia Switzer: Patricia Switzer, 38, 23, 36, and that means just what you think it does.
- Lance Bradford: You're hired.
- Daisy Moses: My first present is a jar of my homemade pickled owl gizzards. And my second present is free medical treatment.
- Lance Bradford: Thanks. They go together nicely.
- Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: You've always been a thorn in my side.
- Daisy Moses: I can change that to a fist in your mouth!
- Daisy Moses: Oh please, Jed, just let me give her one barrel.
- Jed Clampett: No.
- Daisy Moses: I'll give her a 50-foot runnin' start.
- Jed Clampett: Nope.
- Daisy Moses: A hundred foot, and you can hold my glasses.
- Jed Clampett: Now, hold your glasses is a real good idea.
- [takes Granny's glasses]
- Daisy Moses: Hand me that gun, Jed, I can still salt her britches!
- Jed Clampett: Nope.
- Daisy Moses: I can't miss a target that big!
- Daisy Moses: Jed, can I have my glasses and shotgun back?
- Jed Clampett: You could have had your glasses if you hadn't asked for the shotgun.
- Daisy Moses: Whatcha mean?
- Jed Clampett: I'm afraid you still got it in for Mrs. Drysdale.
- Daisy Moses: Well I asked the Lord to fill my heart with love for the woman, like you said.
- Jed Clampett: Did He do?
- Daisy Moses: Jed, is it my fault that he don't like her neither?
- Elly May Clampett: [Granny is carrying a shotgun] Granny, where are ya goin'?
- Daisy Moses: I'm takin' these vittles over to Mrs. Drysdale.
- Elly May Clampett: Vittles? Well where are they?
- Daisy Moses: Right in here.
- [pats her shotgun]
- Daisy Moses: Rock salt and bacon rind. I'm gonna give her both barrels.