- The Pack Rat: So, it's the Rat versus the Bat and the Brat! Only one will survive and that's gonna be me!
- Batmobile Receiver: Disturbance reported at the Top of the Crown restaurant. Suspect is a male costumed extremist armed with what appears to be a... ketchup gun.
- Batman: It's gonna be one of those nights.
- Batman: You've hit a new low, Joker. Only you would ruin three lives for a silly piece of tin.
- The Joker: You're dumber than you look, Bats. It's not the trophy that matters, it's the title! I am the greatest clown this dismal burg has ever seen! Where would the good folk of Gotham be without my pranks and antics?
- Batman: Let's find out!
- Condiment King: Ah, the big bad Bat-guy. I knew you'd ketchup to me sooner or later! How I've relished this meeting! You, the dynamic Dark Knight, versus me, the conceptual Condiment King! Come, Batman, let's see if you can cut the mustard...
- [Batman punches him in the gut, doubling him over]
- Batman: Quiet!
- Condiment King: You hit me.
- Batman: Now, listen, Mustard Man, or whatever you call yourself, you're obviously new at this, so I'm willing to go easy on you, provided you give back the loot and never even think of doing this again. Deal?
- Condiment King: [fires his ketchup and mustard guns at Batman] Horseradish!
- Batman: [dodging the attack] This is your last warning!
- Robin: That's too bad. I watch Standler's show all the time. He's great.
- Batman: Any idea what would have caused him to go off the deep end?
- Robin: No. But talk about bad timing. He was supposed to be one of the judges for the annual Laff-Off competition tonight. Alfred and I bought tickets. By the way, where is Alfred?
- Condiment King: Let's go, Batso! You and me. I'm the Prince of Pickles, Sultan of Sauce! You don't stand a chance, you hear me?
- [bowing]
- Condiment King: Later, chump.
- [slipping in some of his ketchup and mustard, he falls backward]
- Batman: [seeing him hanging off an electrical sign] Hang on!
- [as the sign shorts, the electric shock knocks him backward again, right onto Montoya and Bullock's squad car]
- Officer Renée Montoya: Harvey, call an ambulance.
- [recognizing him]
- Officer Renée Montoya: I know this man. He's that TV comic, Buddy Standler.
- Mighty Mom: What'd I tell you about playing with your toys in the house? Get rid of it!
- Robin: You're the boss.
- [he throws it away; as it boomerangs back, it knocks Joker's laughing-gas grenades out of her hand]
- Mighty Mom: [getting tackled and restrained] No! Not on my nice, clean floor!
- Robin: [removing the mind control patch] Just... hold still.
- Mighty Mom: Ow! That hurt!
- [smacking him, hard]
- Mighty Mom: Don't worry! I'm back to normal!
- Robin: Who can tell?
- Batmobile Receiver: Disturbance reported at the Top of the Crown restaurant. Suspect is a male costumed extremist armed with that appears to be a... ketchup gun.
- Batman: It's gonna be one of those nights.
- The Pack Rat: All right, everyone! Empty your pockets! Old gum wrappers, loose string, those little balls of lint! None of that cash stuff!
- Host: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 10th annual Gotham Laff-Off!
- [cheers and applause]
- Host: And now, it is my deepest honor to present to you the evening's first and only contestant... Smilin' Shecky Rimshot!
- Jack Napier: Hey, folks, you're beautiful! Funny thing happened to me on the way to the theater last year. It seems three no-talent hacks tried to stop me from winning. But guess what!
- [removing his hat and makeup]
- The Joker: I'm baa-aaaack!
- Lisa Lorraine: [answering her door] Yeah?
- The Joker: Pizza delivery.
- Lisa Lorraine: I didn't order any pizza. But I'll take it. How much?
- The Joker: It's on me.
- The Joker: Aww, too bad, Batsap! You should've remembered the old saying: "Dying is easy. Comedy is hard."
- [with the trophy, he tries to knock Batman's hands off the balloon]
- Robin: [swinging in] Mind if I join the party?
- The Joker: [as Robin kicks him, he tumbles backward, the trophy getting stuck on his head] Ow! You miserable brat!
- [trying to get it off]
- The Joker: Aah! Get this stupid thing off me.
- [struggling, he falls off the balloon; as Batman catches him with his grappling gun, it pulls his pants down]
- The Joker: Whoop! Watch it! Oo-ooh, I think I'm getting airsick.
- Batman: It's just you and us, Joker.
- The Joker: Not quite, Batman. I've got a new girl, and she'll really sweep you off your feet.
- Robin: [appearing from a trap door in the floor, she knocks them backward with a broom] Lisa Lorraine?
- Mighty Mom: Call me... Mighty Mom!
- The Joker: Ain't she sweet? My very own happy homemaker.
- Mighty Mom: But I don't do windows!
- The Joker: [cackling] Not bad. Honey, why don't you show our pals how you clean house? In other words...
- [giving her laughing gas grenades]
- The Joker: ...mop 'em up.
- Host: I tell ya, Morey, I'm dyin' here. I got a full house, and all three of my celebrity judges are either missing or in jail. Ya gotta find me some replacements, quick!
- The Joker: [ending the call] Ask, and ye shall receive.
- Host: What in the...
- The Joker: Permit me to introduce judges Knuckles, Finney, and Kowalski. They'll be presenting me with a trophy tonight.
- Host: Hey, listen, you can't just walk in here and take...
- The Joker: Oh, but I already have.
- [as his thugs grab the host, he puts a mind-control patch on his neck]
- The Joker: These little microchips are a wonder. Remind me to thank the Mad Hatter. If he ever wakes up.
- The Pack Rat: I'm the Pack Rat, and your trash is my treasure.
- [stealing and emptying a woman's purse]
- The Pack Rat: Hmm! Shiny!
- [firing his gun as security guards advance]
- The Pack Rat: Whoa! Dibs on the dummy hand.
- Jack Napier: [as "Smilin' Shecky Rimshot"] Good evening, ladies and germs. Hey, did you hear about the guy, walked into a doctor's office with a frog on his head? Doctor says "That's the weirdest-looking wart I've ever seen." Frog looks up and says "Yeah! I woke up this morning, there was a big bump on my butt!"
- [audience laughter]
- Jack Napier: Hey, then there's this guy who buys a new dog. He takes it for a walk, and the friend says...
- [buzzer]
- Jack Napier: Huh?
- Lisa Lorraine: Sorry, pal. We've already made our decision. And for your information, registration closed days ago.
- Jack Napier: I'm not leaving until I get that trophy.
- Host: [Shecky is comedically yanked off stage with a cane] Oh, yes, you are!