- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Uh... What is the latest line on Carter... 4 to 5... pass... Anything good on the Senatorial ?... Nah... Nah... forget it... Whoa... Whoa... Put six dollars on Hawaii to go Republican . Yeah, I heard a little something. My uncle's got a little schmata business in Honolulu. Yeah, that's right, good.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Don't you have anything better to do with your time ?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Nope
- Capt. Barney Miller: No murders, no muggings...
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: No rip-offs, no rapes
- Capt. Barney Miller: Make you lose your faith in human nature
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Here's your coffee .
- Capt. Barney Miller: Thanks... Is it fresh ?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: The grounds are... I can't vouch for the water.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Well, what can live in your coffee ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Woj, uh... check out these hot sheets against the APB's
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, did you vote yet Barn ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: No, not yet, I got time
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Who are you going to vote for ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: I going to vote for a lot of different people. One for each office of course
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: And For President ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Yeah, I'm going to vote for one of those.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Who ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo, the secret ballot is one of America's most treasured possessions.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, I know, I just to find out if we dig the same guy ? I respect your opinion.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Only... would you respect my opinion if we don't vote for the same guy ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Sure, Barn, your not going to vote for someone crazy, are you ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Okay, Mr. Crippen, come on... inside
- Crippen: Oh, this is all a terrible misunderstanding. I assure you, I can pay for those things
- Det. Ron Harris: Then, why didn't you?
- Crippen: I... I... didn't have time.
- Det. Ron Harris: But you had time to shove a few things into your pocket didn't you ?
- Crippen: Please don't treat me like a criminal ? I am under a doctor's care
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: What's the matter with you ?
- Crippen: I'm sick
- Det. Ron Harris: Shoplifting, Barney, Siegel's department store
- Crippen: It was just an impulse
- Det. Ron Harris: Mr. Crippen, you want to have a seat over here
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Say, you... you wouldn't have to know a Shirley Feldman would you ? Lives over 66 Central Park West
- Crippen: No
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: She wears things like this
- Det. Ron Harris: Mr. Crippen, would you like to have a seat over here please. What is you address, sir ?
- Crippen: 4357 Riverside Drive... Look, I really didn't mean to steal those things. I've always paid for them in the past
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Some nice stuff
- Crippen: Please, if this were to get out, it could ruin my reputation. Just let me that those things back
- Det. Ron Harris: Look, I can't do that, Mr. Crippen. You see, the kind of stuff you stole can't be returned
- Crippen: But, they have never been worn
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: You know Woj, it used to be cinch to pick the Presidential race. The guy with the longest name always won Truman over Dewey, Eisenhower over Stevenson, Roosevelt over everybody
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Nixon beats McGovern
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Yeah, he screwed up everything
- Det. Ron Harris: You might say that !
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Even money
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Your a Democrat, right Harris ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Man, are you kidding. You know how much I paid for this outfit ?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Hey, hey, you know, as of the last half hour, Ford was even money.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I thought you bet on Carter ?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I don't care who wins, it's the sport of it
- Det. Ron Harris: Okay... uh, Barney, I checked out Mr. Crippen. He's got no previous arrests, good family, responsible business man. He's got an office in Wall Street and charge accounts at all the big stores in New York
- Capt. Barney Miller: Did you call Siegels ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, they're pressing charges. I mean, they were very understanding until I told them about the other charge accounts
- Capt. Barney Miller: Clarence Darrow, your not ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Sorry Barn... By the way, he wants to vote too.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Oh, that's commendable
- Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, well, he was on the way to the polls till he was picked up.
- Capt. Barney Miller: First things first
- Det. Ron Harris: Yeah
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: She threw this out the window, with help written on the lid. Just missed the guy
- Edna Relkie: I only did it to attract attention
- Capt. Barney Miller: That will do it
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Her husband locked her in the bathroom
- Edna Relkie: Why ?
- Edna Relkie: Because I told him, I had the right the vote for anybody I wanted to.
- Det. Ron Harris: Democrats
- Capt. Barney Miller: Limiting someone's right the vote is a Federal offense.
- Edna Relkie: I certainly hope so.
- Capt. Barney Miller: I going to have to a little talk with Mr... .
- Edna Relkie: Relkie. R-e-l-k-i-e.Charles Kaiser Relkie. And I would like to have him arrested ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Harris, you and Dietrich. Let's find Mr. Charles Kaiser Relkie. Bring him in for questioning ? Mrs. Relkie is going to give you the details
- Det. Ron Harris: Okay Barney. Mrs. Relkie you want to have a seat over here.
- Edna Relkie: What would you do if someone told you, you couldn't vote?
- Det. Ron Harris: Move south
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Got any evidence tags ?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Yeah. Here.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Got any coffee left ?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Sure. Wash your hands first ?
- Inspector Frank Luger: Good Morning
- Det. Ron Harris: Hi, Inspector
- Inspector Frank Luger: Hi Barney
- Capt. Barney Miller: Inspector, what can we do for you ?
- Inspector Frank Luger: Oh, I hear you got some security set-up over at the Greenwich Hotel for the night. Going to be some big doing going on over there.
- Capt. Barney Miller: A party for local politicians, huh ?
- Inspector Frank Luger: Yeah... Yeah. A little shin-dig for Jake Scofield, our next City Councilman, with a little luck.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Jake Scofield. I've been reading his name in the paper. Haven't I ?
- Inspector Frank Luger: Yeah... Yeah. Get this, Barney, if Scofield gets elected, guess whose got a shot at being the next full-fledged Police Commissioner of the NYPD .
- Capt. Barney Miller: Okay
- Inspector Frank Luger: Yeah.
- Capt. Barney Miller: How 'bout that ? Scofield... Scofield. Wasn't he involved in those "Garbage pay-offs" ?
- Inspector Frank Luger: That's... They haven't pinned a thing on him Barney. I've known Scofield for two years. Ever since he was Assistant Book-keeper at the Department of Sanitation, before he had a dime. You know how the newspapers jump on stuff like that, huh ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Yeah... Yeah.
- Inspector Frank Luger: Sure
- Crippen: Captain Miller, the polls will be closed in over an hour ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Okay, Mr Crippen ?
- Inspector Frank Luger: Whose that ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: That's Mr. Crippen. He was arrested for shop-lifting. Want's to vote .
- Inspector Frank Luger: Whose he going to vote for ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: I haven't asked ?
- Inspector Frank Luger: What did he lift ?
- Crippen: Captain Miller, it's my constitutional right to vote, isn't it ? Even under these circumstances.
- Capt. Barney Miller: We'll see what we can do ? Wojo, take Mr. Crippen over to the polls, let him vote, then bring him back ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Sure, Barn.
- Inspector Frank Luger: You stole woman's draws ?
- Crippen: I didn't intend to ? I wanted to pay for them ?
- Inspector Frank Luger: A little present for your wife ?
- Crippen: I'm not married .
- Inspector Frank Luger: Huh? Aren't you disgusting ?
- Inspector Frank Luger: Hey Wojo, did you vote yet ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yes sir
- Inspector Frank Luger: Did you vote yet ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Sure did Inspector.
- Inspector Frank Luger: Good... Good. Probably voted for Jake Scofield, right ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: No I didn't vote for him
- Inspector Frank Luger: Shame on you Wojciehowicz, he's just the man the city deserves. We haven't had a candidate like Jake Scofield since the days of., uh... did you ever hear of Tamanny Hall ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: They were a bunch of crooks
- Inspector Frank Luger: Where did you get that ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: School
- Inspector Frank Luger: Consider the source
- Inspector Frank Luger: Yeah, well, I'll see you around Barn
- Capt. Barney Miller: Yeah
- Inspector Frank Luger: Oh, listen, by the way, when me and Scofield make it, don't think I'm going to forget the old 1-2, uh, maybe a fresh paint job, a new drinking fountain
- Capt. Barney Miller: Well, we'll keep a good thought
- Inspector Frank Luger: Yeah, oh, what's the pervert's name ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Crippen
- Inspector Frank Luger: Hi there, Mr. Crippen, sir. A moment, please. Might I ask you to remember the name Jacob Scofield, City Councilman, Borough of Manhattan ?
- Crippen: Jacob Scofield ? I heard of that name
- Inspector Frank Luger: Of course you have, sure. He's for Justice, Progress, and, uh, all that other good stuff like that, you know ?
- Crippen: Oh, I'll keep that in mind
- Inspector Frank Luger: That's all I can ask Mr. Crippen. Thank you, sir. I'll tell you Barney, first thing Scofield is going to do when he gets elected is get freaks like that off the streets. Hmm ? Cherchez la Femme, Barney.
- Edna Relkie: He never talks, he always yells. He's been yelling for 18 years. I can't even hear a normal conversation anymore
- Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo not back yet ?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: No, I guess the polls must be crowded
- Capt. Barney Miller: Yeah, I want to get there myself. Uh, Mrs. Relkie, it won't be necessary to hold you. After we questioned your husband, we'll contact you
- Edna Relkie: I appreciate it
- Capt. Barney Miller: If you want to vote, better get a move on.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Harris and Dietrich check in yet.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: They haven't called in yet
- Edna Relkie: Is there anything wrong with voting Republican
- Capt. Barney Miller: No... not particularly
- Edna Relkie: What's his name hasn't done such a bad job so far, has he ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: No