- Capt. Barney Miller: You know, It's entirely possible that someone goes to a hockey game because he enjoys hockey - the speed, the action...
- Det. Ron Harris: Barney, there was another hold-up over on Lexington "Avenue" yesterday... Fifteenth one In two weeks. It's the same ten block area, same M.O. "Method of Operations" , all take place on Monday, Tuesday, or Thursday between 2:15 pm and 3:30 pm.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: That's true. but I think everyone down deep inside gets a vicarious thrill out of seeing senseless violence.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: This is Richard Milford - Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. He was creating a disturbance at the bar of the Greenwich Hotel.
- Richard Milford: I was just trying to get some service.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: He was hitting on a couple of hookers... When they wouldn't give him a tumble, he got belligerent.
- Richard Milford: What's happening to this society? I mean, if a person has the money, why should they be able to say "no" ?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: You didn't have the money?
- Richard Milford: I said "if"...
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: This isn't the good part... The good part is that according to his credentials, Mr. Milford was a delegate to the Democratic Convention.
- Richard Milford: I really should get back.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I hate to tell you this, but the convention has been over for months.
- Richard Milford: Is that all?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Captain, he was a delegate to the 1976 convention.
- Richard Milford: What, was there another one?
- Capt. Barney Miller: You've been here since 1976?
- Richard Milford: I believe so.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Never went back to Harrisburg?
- Richard Milford: Pennsylvania... No - I mean, what's back there anyway?... Except my wife and family - and I'm sure she had the baby by now.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Have a seat, Mr. Milford; we are going to need some more information from you.
- Richard Milford: I'll certainly try - but I have to admit that the last few years have been a bit unfocused.
- Capt. Barney Miller: You do the best that you can.
- Richard Milford: I'll certainly try... I was in the Pennsylvania delegation.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, I figured as much.
- Richard Milford: Although I spent most of my time with Kim and Yoko, two alternates from Guam.
- Louis Nash: Sergeant Harris, here are the arrest records you've asked for.
- Louis Nash: Thank you, Nash.
- Louis Nash: For your convenience, I've arranged them according to the date of conviction.
- Det. Ron Harris: Fine.
- Louis Nash: I've read your book.
- Det. Ron Harris: [brightens] Oh, did you?
- Louis Nash: I found it quite compelling, and very true to life.
- Det. Ron Harris: Thank you.
- Louis Nash: For my money, you're a much better writer than that Joseph Wambaugh.
- Det. Ron Harris: [irritated] Then why bring him up?
- Louis Nash: I'll be back later with the mail.
- Richard Milford: I didn't plan to do this. I had a wonderful life back in Harrisburg. It's just when the convention ended - I'd never been in a place like New York before - I mean, alone. So I thought, I'd stay over for a few days. Well, then after the first year went by, I'd realized I couldn't go home again unless I had a rather compelling explanation.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: So, what have you been doing all this time?
- Richard Milford: Oh, everything... Booze... drugs... sexual experimentation... I was born again a couple of times, but the last year has been a kind of a blur - a pleasant blur, if you know what I mean...
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Oh - yeah...
- Capt. Barney Miller: Any more on those robberies?
- Det. Ron Harris: Just going through the files, trying to come up with a similar M.O... Barn, but there is nothing yet.
- Capt. Barney Miller: It's just after two - maybe we'll be hearing from him soon.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I checked out Milford - he's clean, except for a missing persons report his wife filed in Harrisburg in '76. I called her; she's flying in.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Oh.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Mr. Milford, your wife is coming down.
- Richard Milford: Oh. Thank you.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: You guys still going around in circles on those robberies?
- Capt. Barney Miller: You have any thought on the subject?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I might... You want to hear? Well, say this guy has a job, gets off at 2 o'clock in afternoon, robs the place, then he goes home to his wife and kids like nothing happened - or maybe, uh... maybe he's into astrology or biorhythms, figures out this is the most favorable time to rob... or the whole thing could be a merry mix-up, this is how I got this job.
- Officer Carl Levitt: Sir?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Yes, Levitt?
- Officer Carl Levitt: Remember Officer Nash, who was up here earlier today?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Yes.
- Capt. Barney Miller: No, he wasn't.
- Capt. Barney Miller: What?
- Officer Carl Levitt: He doesn't exist.
- Capt. Barney Miller: What are you talking about?
- Officer Carl Levitt: I went to take a look at his permanent file, just to check and see if he had a prior history of overzealousness. He doesn't have a file.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Well, it was probably lost in the transfers.
- Officer Carl Levitt: Checked it out with personnel in Brooklyn. They never heard of him.
- Capt. Barney Miller: There's got to be some explanation.
- Officer Carl Levitt: ...Thought of one yet?
- Louis Nash: Captain Miller, I will be up with the interdepartmental correspondence as soon as it arrives.
- Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, we are on are way. Barn, another liquor store on Lexington. Patrol car is giving chase up Third
- Capt. Barney Miller: Okay... Dietrich
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Sure, rub my face in it
- Louis Nash: So, I'm gathering up the duplicate reports of the various departments, sorting out the closed cases, and then putting everything in a centralized file downstairs.
- Louis Nash: Officer Levitt seems to be having a little difficulty locating your permanent file.
- Louis Nash: It was probably just lost in transit.
- Louis Nash: ...Nash, are you a police officer?
- Louis Nash: I certainly consider myself one.
- Capt. Barney Miller: But does the Department?
- Louis Nash: Well, no, not officially. Is that a problem, sir ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Is that a problem? What are you doing here?
- Louis Nash: Well, you see, sir, I retired two years ago.
- Capt. Barney Miller: From the force?
- Louis Nash: No, I was a CPA. Well, I always had a very keen interest in police work, and then I kept on reading about all the cutbacks and layoffs of police officers, and I happened to have a friend at a supply house.
- Capt. Barney Miller: So, you just picked up a uniform, wandered in one day and started to work?
- Louis Nash: It's been okay so far.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Didn't anyone ever get suspicious, ask you any questions?
- Louis Nash: No; they seem to appreciate the extra help... Is there something on your mind, sir?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Nash, impersonating a police officer is a crime!
- Louis Nash: Yes, but I wasn't doing it for personal gain.
- Capt. Barney Miller: That's not the point... but it could constitute a danger to the public - a danger to yourself.
- Louis Nash: Sir. Sir, You don't understand - my gun isn't loaded.
- Capt. Barney Miller: I'm glad to hear that.
- Louis Nash: And I never go out on police calls. I just stay downstairs, doing the paperwork and administrative bookkeeping, freeing officers for more important duties.
- Capt. Barney Miller: That is not the point either.
- Louis Nash: Was there something wrong with the manpower report?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Manpower report is fine.
- Louis Nash: Thank you.
- Capt. Barney Miller: I do not seem to be getting through to you, Nash. This is a totally unacceptable situation - you can not continue wearing that uniform!
- Louis Nash: Well, I didn't think plainclothes was even a possibility.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey, uh, Nash? If you're goin' downstairs, you wanna file this release form?
- Louis Nash: I would be very happy to.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Are you going to bring up the September burglary reports?
- Louis Nash: I'm afraid I can't do that.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Officer Nash is being transferred.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Oh... That's too bad.
- Louis Nash: It happens. Listen - before I go, I just want to say what a pleasure it was to have worked, however briefly, with men of such high caliber.
- Richard Milford: Are you still active in Democratic politics?
- Ellen Milford: No - no, I'm a Republican now.
- Richard Milford: Oh... Does that mean I have to become one, too?
- Ellen Milford: It would be nice.
- Louis Nash: Sergeant Dietrich, here are the burglary files you requested.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Oh, yeah - thanks, Nash.
- Louis Nash: Captain, the precinct reports and manpower stats.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Thank you.
- Louis Nash: My pleasure.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Do I know you?
- Louis Nash: I guess we haven't been formally introduced. I am Officer Louis Nash; I came aboard last week.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Good to have you with us, Nash.
- Louis Nash: Thank you, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you, sir?
- Capt. Barney Miller: No.
- Louis Nash: Sir, I hope our age difference won't be a problem.
- Capt. Barney Miller: I don't understand.
- Louis Nash: Well, I just mean that sometimes when a subordinate is substantially older than his superior officer, the superior is often reticent about fully exercising their authority.
- Capt. Barney Miller: I wouldn't worry about that, Nash.
- Louis Nash: I'll try not to, sir. I guess I just can't help feeling a little embarrassed that after. all these years. I'm still a cop in uniform. while a young man such as yourself is already a captain.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Those things happen.
- Louis Nash: I'll be downstairs, in case you need anything.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Fine.
- Louis Nash: You bet, sir.
- Officer Carl Levitt: Sir?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Yeah?
- Officer Carl Levitt: I double-checked it with personnel, and then I checked out his badge number with downtown. No such number has ever been issued.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Hmm. It looks like we have an imposter on our hands.
- Officer Carl Levitt: Oh, really?... Oh... really, sir? Shall I bust him?
- Capt. Barney Miller: No, send him up - tell him I want to see him.
- Officer Carl Levitt: I understand, sir. You prefer the collar for yourself.
- Det. Ron Harris: Barn, this is Edmund Lasky, he stuck up a market at 26th and Lexington, patrol car caught up with him trying to get through the rear door at Lincoln Jail
- Capt. Barney Miller: Lincoln Jail
- Edmund Lasky: That's where I live.
- Det. Ron Harris: You see, Mr. Lasky is serving a 15 month sentence for burglary, but he's also on a work release program. He gets out from 2 to 4 to attend classes at City College.
- Edmund Lasky: I'm taking Computer Programming and Ethics
- Capt. Barney Miller: Obviously, you missed a few sessions
- Edmund Lasky: Well,It's tough juggling school and a career
- Det. Ron Harris: You want to take a seat over here please
- Edmund Lasky: Can we speed this up, I'm suppose to be back in my cell at 5
- Det. Ron Harris: We'll do what we can.