- Ramon Santos: I'm a Puerto Rican junkie, in a police station, with a gun in my hand! What am I gonna do with a fair trial?
- Barney Miller: [just as he walks in the precinct door, a gun is pointed at his face] Boy, do I hate to start a day like this.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: [to Ramon] You know what I feel like when I hear somebody screaming, "Help! Police! Murder! Call the cops! Somebody's getting killed!" and I find a Puerto Rican beatin' the hell out of some whitey? I gotta pull out my piece and say...
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: [with a British accent] "Hold on there! Hands in the air, police officer, thank you!"
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: [in normal voice] 'Cause it's so embarrassing!
- Ramon Santos: This guy Mankowitz - he's not a Puerto Rican.
- Barney Miller: ...He's Jewish. It's practically the same thing.
- Elizabeth Miller: You really love it, don't you? You say "shootings and bombings" - your eyes light up.
- Barney Miller: Would it make you happier if I didn't like my work?
- Elizabeth Miller: It would make me happy if you liked me better. I don't think you like me better.
- Barney Miller: That is ridiculous.
- Elizabeth Miller: You remember the day you got your gold badge? How excited you were? Do you know what that means to a wife, to know that her husband is more excited by his badge than her body?
- Barney Miller: That's nonsense. I was every bit as excited by your body as my badge. More, probably.
- Elizabeth Miller: Sometimes your sense of humor really annoys me.
- Barney Miller: Goodbye, love - I have criminals waiting. I'll take you to the country this weekend.
- Elizabeth Miller: No - today, please. Humor me? I've humored you.
- Barney Miller: When?
- Elizabeth Miller: That night, on the other side of the George Washington Bridge - in the back seat of the Studebaker.
- Barney Miller: You promised you would never throw that up to me.
- Elizabeth Miller: Don't be silly - I throw it up to you every chance I can get.
- Barney Miller: I know.
- Barney Miller: I just thought this was another good opportunity.
- Barney Miller: Liz - I've had a wonderful time, but I really have to go.
- Elizabeth Miller: That's what you said that night in the Studebaker.
- Radio Announcer: This is 113 on your FM dial, on the 101st floor of the Empire State Building; have a good day
- Elizabeth Miller: Yeah, yeah - up there, where nobody can get to you.
- Elizabeth Miller: I have a "something's rotten in Denmark" feeling... Would you consider not going to work today, and taking me for a drive in the country?
- Barney Miller: Liz, you heard the radio - shootings, bombings; it's my busy season.
- Harry the Bookie: Come on, Wojciehowicz - give me a break.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Sure. What do you want broken?
- Stanley Mankowitz: Hi, Rachel.
- Rachel Miller: Hi.
- Barney Miller: Hello, Stanley. Can I fix you a drink?
- Stanley Mankowitz: Uh - no, thank you, Captain Miller. Good evening, Mrs. Miller.
- Elizabeth Miller: Hi, Stanley.
- Stanley Mankowitz: Actually, I'm here tonight for two reasons. First, to take a certain young beautiful girl out to dinner - and second, to present a bottle of wine to the hero, as a tribute and a thank you.
- Elizabeth Miller: [as Barney turns, too late to cut off Stanley] Hero? What hero?
- Barney Miller: You shouldn't have done it, Stanley.
- Elizabeth Miller: What hero, Stanley?
- Stanley Mankowitz: Didn't he tell you?
- Elizabeth Miller: No.
- Stanley Mankowitz: Well, this morning, uh, some crazy kid strung out on drugs comes into the police station, and takes a gun away from one of the police officers and threatens to kill everyone in the place unless they let him go free - and Captain Barney Miller not only talks him out of it, but refers him to me as a client!
- Elizabeth Miller: Well! Isn't that swell, Stanley ?
- Rachel Miller: How could a thing like that happen?
- Elizabeth Miller: Happens all the time on a perfectly normal day.
- Barney Miller: What is everyone making a big deal about?
- Rachel Miller: Big Deal? Dad, you could have been killed!
- Barney Miller: Stanley's overdramatizing everything. He comes in with this wild story about some crazy kid comes into the police station, steals a policeman's gun, threaten to shoot everyone in the place unless we let him out.
- Rachel Miller: Isn't that what happened?
- Barney Miller: Of course not!
- Rachel Miller: Then what happened?
- Barney Miller: Some crazy kid came into the police station, stole a policeman's gun... threatens to shoot everyone in the place... unless we let him go.
- Elizabeth Miller: What the hell? A miss is as good as a mile, I always said.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Come on, Harry - they want to talk to you downtown.
- Harry the Bookie: Hey, Yemana - ain't there somethin' you can do for me?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Uh, here's twenty. I'll pay you the rest when you get out.
- [first lines]
- Radio Announcer: This is 113 on your FM dial, at 7:30.
- Elizabeth Miller: Rachel! David! Breakfast! Barney - get the kids up for breakfast.
- Radio Announcer: Two banks on Wall Street were destroyed by explosions in the early hours of the morning. A new garbage strike looms on the horizon.
- Elizabeth Miller: Wonderful.
- Radio Announcer: And street gangs here have claimed the lives of two additional victims. Three Japanese terrorists have hijacked an Italian airliner - and in retaliation, three Italian terrorists have blown up a Japanese restaurant.
- Radio Announcer: This is 113 on your FM Dial at 7:30. Now in local news, and items of interest from around the world. Two banks on Wall Street were destroyed by explosion in the early hours of the morning. A new garbage strike looms on the horizon and street gangs here have claimed the lives of two additional victims. Three Japanese terrorists have hijacked an Italian airliner and in retaliation three Italian terrorists have blown up Japanese restaurant And now an item from the world of entertainment, three people were slain in a theater last night during the first-act-intermission robbery attempt; Now, once again, your musical interlude, this is 113 on your FM dial, on the 101st Floor of the Empire State Building, have a good day.
- Barney Miller: What's the weather look like outside?
- Elizabeth Miller: It's brown today.
- Barney Miller: Is it raining?
- Elizabeth Miller: Something's coming down, but I don't think it's water. It's a new plague. Isn't it pretty?
- Barney Miller: A little brown rain is normal for New York at this time of year. If it gets a little colder, we can look forward to a tan Christmas.
- Barney Miller: David, there's two and a half million dollars worth of toys in this house - how come you always play with the gun?
- Davey Miller: You play with a gun.
- Barney Miller: That's my job.
- Davey Miller: Freddy's dad doesn't play with a gun.
- Barney Miller: His dad's a janitor, he plays with a mop.
- Elizabeth Miller: I don't think you should go to work today.
- Barney Miller: Ah, a little brown in the air never bothered me yet.
- Elizabeth Miller: ...I think you should resign from the police force today. I think you should go to Montana, and buy a chicken farm today.
- Barney Miller: I don't like chickens.
- Elizabeth Miller: You don't know chickens. You've only seen them frozen, with pimples - and wrapped in plastic. You've never seen them cute and lively, with their fur on.
- Barney Miller: Fur?
- Elizabeth Miller: You'd be crazy about Montana.
- Barney Miller: You really hate it, I'm a cop.
- Elizabeth Miller: Yes.
- Elizabeth Miller: Don't beat around the bush.
- Elizabeth Miller: Are you aware of the fact that somebody tried to break in here last night?
- Barney Miller: How do you know?
- Elizabeth Miller: Because there's a clean spot on the window.
- Barney Miller: They must not have wanted to get in very badly. If they really wanted to break in, the bars on that window wouldn't have stopped them.
- Elizabeth Miller: Then what did we put them up for?
- Barney Miller: Don't you remember? I made a promise when we got married. I said I would do everything I could to make you happy. You wanted bars? I gave you bars.
- Elizabeth Miller: I'm very grateful. I love my bars.
- Barney Miller: Are you aware that statistics show that there is more crime in the streets than in the home?
- Elizabeth Miller: There's more room in the streets.