- Detective Paul Gardeno: [after Barney asked him to shave off his large beard] Cute, ain't I? Clean cut. Charming. Now when I bust some punk in the street and I say, "Freeze! I'm a police officer", he's gonna look at me and laugh, and say "Ha ha ha, look at that kid". Then he'll pull out a piece and blow my keister off.
- Barney Miller: Don't be ridiculous.
- Detective Paul Gardeno: Freeze! I'm a police officer.
- Yemana: Ha ha ha.
- Detective Paul Gardeno: I just wanna do my job. I don't wanna shave.
- Barney Miller: What's the matter, you got a skin condition?
- Detective Paul Gardeno: If necessary.
- Barney Miller: And the earring?
- Detective Paul Gardeno: I'm engaged.
- Barney Miller: You go home, shave, put on a clean shirt, break your engagement, and report back to me.
- Detective Paul Gardeno: What about my transfer?
- Barney Miller: What the hell for? They'll just send you to somebody who's not nearly as sweet as I am.
- Yemana: You know those cute little Japanese dolls that you rub on the belly for luck?
- Barney Miller: Yeah.
- Yemana: I'm taking one out to dinner tonight.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Okay Chano, what do you call that ?
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: What do you mean ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I mean that thing that looks like it just crawled out from under the rock.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: I don't know, he's got a certain style
- Det. Ron Harris: Oh, yeah right !, Right off the cover of Harper's Bizarre
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: What's that thing in his ear ?
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: That, I don't know about
- Det. Phil Fish: That was an alarm, you pull on it, if his beard catches on fire
- Det. Phil Fish: Okay, Barney.Hey Fish, we got to get rolling man. We got to see a lady about a burglary on the Upper East Side and also somebody is ripping off drugs at Gramercy Park Hospital, which do you want to check out first?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Try the hospital, at least the conversation is more stimulating
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Well, we ain't got any hot water again
- Det. Phil Fish: We ain't got any hot water again, yet
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: We ain't never got any hot water, ever, neither
- Det. Phil Fish: Sometimes you make a great deal of sense
- Barney Miller: Wojo, you and Harris, fill out paperwork
- Det. Ron Harris: Whose the new man ?
- Det. Ron Harris: His name is Paul Gardeno, spent a couple years over in Narcotics. He's got a good street record. Tough, efficient, he's a loner
- Det. Ron Harris: Sound's charming
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Hey, why don't you team him up with me. We can make a very exciting couple !
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: We haven't even got our plumbing fixed it ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Hey man, what's that got to do with Gardeno ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: We need a plumber, a lot more than we need a new cop ?
- Barney Miller: Maybe he's handy around the house ?
- Barney Miller: Chano, you and Fish . You can take care of these
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Alright
- Barney Miller: Nick, you and me, we got to work on these extract reports
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: We, uh, don't got any water, either. But, uh, I'll boil some, if you want to shave
- Detective Paul Gardeno: I'm fine
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: You mean, you're going to stay that way ?
- Detective Paul Gardeno: What way is that ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Well, you know, uh... sloppy.
- Detective Paul Gardeno: Does it bother you ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: No, it's just a matter of personal preference, I guess, You never been in the service, uh ?
- Detective Paul Gardeno: Yeah, two years in Vietnam ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I guess, you didn't have time to change since you have been back ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Hey man, Gardeno. You see, man , well, it's just that,, we take pride in the 1-2, so we dress clean we shave every morning, you know ?
- Detective Paul Gardeno: Terrific
- Detective Paul Gardeno: Captain Miller, would you be offended, if I put in a transfer ?
- Barney Miller: Probably, I'm a very sensitive man .
- Detective Paul Gardeno: Look, this isn't my bag. I'm no good for busting Winos, picking up kids for stealing fruit.
- Barney Miller: Arresting Jaywalkers ?
- Detective Paul Gardeno: You know what I mean. I like narcotics and I like working alone.
- Barney Miller: I know, I read your record.
- Detective Paul Gardeno: I didn't ask to come here. I don't why I was transferred.
- Barney Miller: Probably, the commissioner's way of saying, your still a member of the New York City Police Department, not the Green Hornet You know, they sent you to some little dull out-of-the-way precinct, to get you back to basic training, to remind you, your still part of a team.
- Detective Paul Gardeno: Is that the way you figure it ?
- Barney Miller: It's happened to guys.
- Detective Paul Gardeno: Your team shaves, don't they ?
- Barney Miller: That's the nature of a team, a team does the same things for the same reason. If you don't shave, we are all going to have to grow beards.
- Detective Paul Gardeno: Are you telling me, I have have to lose the beard ?
- Barney Miller: I'm telling you, while I respect an individual's right to self-expression, you more like a customer than a cop, there are rules and regulations.
- Detective Paul Gardeno: Oh, come on with that jazz ? There just climbing up my back. You said so your self.
- Barney Miller: So why fight it ? You're smarter than that ?
- Floyd: Hey mother, your not going to leave me are you ?
- Bernice Fish: I'm not your mother
- Floyd: You sure you ain't got a son?
- Bernice Fish: I'm sure
- Floyd: You want to buy one ? Don't leave me mother ? That mother left me.
- Bernice Fish: Is that Marijuana ?
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Yeah, good stuff, too. Look at that. Hey, Barney, stoned and in possession.
- Bernice Fish: You got your whole life in front of you, what do you need that for ?
- Floyd: Because , I got my whole life in front of me
- Floyd: Are you kidding me ?
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: No man, why should I kid you. Floyd, I am telling you , man this is only the second floor. It's just that you are higher than the rest of us. Come on kid, inside. There you go. That's it.
- Floyd: Oh man, this cell is out of tune.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: And what's the address ?... 11th..Okay, we will be right there. Barney, we got a call for assistance at a bar over on 11th. Hey, Harris, come on, we got business.
- Det. Ron Harris: Okay, see you later, guys, keep a light burning in the window , huh?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Okay , Mr. Cooper, you are entitled to a phone call, do you want to talk to somebody
- Lyman Cooper: Sure, do you know anybody that delivers ?
- Barney Miller: Anybody seen Fish, its almost 3 o' clock.
- Det. Ron Harris: He's probably still eating, you know how long it it takes him to chew.
- Barney Miller: Check with dispatch, see if he called in.
- Det. Ron Harris: Okay
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: What's the address?... Okay, don't move in there we will be right over... .Right... Goodbye. Oh, boy, everybody's going bananas today. Here's a guy shooting at his wife, closes himself in the bathroom, and still got the gun with him
- Barney Miller: Take Gardeno with you
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Come on Gardeno, let's go
- Detective Paul Gardeno: You sure you want me to go with him.
- Barney Miller: You can't hang around here waiting for your beard to grow.
- Bernice Fish: Why kind of massage can you get at the Garden of Eden ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Are you kidding, we busted that place three times already .
- Bernice Fish: Aren't you ashamed?
- Det. Phil Fish: Bernice. Barney may I use your office.
- Barney Miller: Help yourself.
- Det. Phil Fish: Get in there
- Det. Ron Harris: Hey Wojo, for crying out loud, man.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Well, I thought he was... there for official business, wasn't he Barn ?
- Barney Miller: Probably
- Elizabeth Miller: Did you send him there, Barney ?
- Barney Miller: I didn't have to. Fish has initiative.
- Barney Miller: Look, your not the first cop to hide behind a reputation or a image. You just did a hell of a job without it , Chano told use the whole story
- Barney Miller: Hey Fish...
- Det. Phil Fish: Yeah
- Barney Miller: You didn't qualify.
- Det. Phil Fish: It was cold, I wore gloves
- Barney Miller: Now, you are going to have to go back next week. This time practice, huh ?
- Det. Phil Fish: Practice. That means I have to buy my own bullets. You know how much bullets are today?
- Barney Miller: There's big demand between between the Middle East and Television
- Det. Phil Fish: Used to buy a beautiful bullet for 6 or 7 cents. Today, 13 cents, and lousy quality, in cheap boxes.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey, Yemana, you just sneaked through
- Yemana: It's my eyes. I'd like to see how good you do with eyelids like mine.
- Barney Miller: Narcotics travels light , huh ?
- Detective Paul Gardeno: Yeah... light
- Barney Miller: Nick, get him a locker .
- Detective Paul Gardeno: I don't need a locker
- Barney Miller: Get him a locker anyway man need a place to be alone... We'll talk later
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Come on ! , Come On !
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Just take it easy Mr. Cooper, your in enough trouble all ready
- Lyman Cooper: Self-defense, that guy took a swing at me, first, you know and so did she.
- Barney Miller: What's he doing up here ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Lyman Cooper -- Drunk. Disorderly. Assault and Battery.
- Lyman Cooper: Nobody can take a joke no more. I'm just sitting at the bar minding my own business and this blonde comes over to me and she says "Buy you a drink sweetie" and I says to her "How dare you?" and then this big guy comes over to me. The guy takes a cut at me and then the blonde knocks me right off the barstool. Well, maybe it was the other way around.
- Barney Miller: Take a seat, Mr. Cooper
- Lyman Cooper: Hey buy you a drink ?
- Barney Miller: Uh, no
- Barney Miller: Hey, hot of the press, tour sheets. And a communique from headquarter. Gardeno goes back to narcotics as soon as he gets out of the hospital
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Oh, yeah, I'll tell you, he's going to be glad to hear that because he has a four-day growth of beard and he's polished his earring
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I still don't understand why the guy needs gimmicks to do his job ? He's good enough without them.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: What's that around your neck ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: My Marine dog-tags, but I don't need them. I just wear them for... luck
- Det. Ron Harris: Ah, he wouldn't be caught dead without them.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Right
- Barney Miller: What about the slave bracelet ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Hey, man, that's a genuine antique. That belonged to my great-grandfather
- Barney Miller: Everybody needs something
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Yeah, listen, I got a good luck tattoo but you can't see it because it's under my cast
- [lips "pretty stuff?"]
- Det. Phil Fish: I got lucky teeth
- Yemana: How come there lucky ?
- Det. Phil Fish: My dentist died before they were half-paid for .
- Barney Miller: Okay, okay, guys from Narcotics aren't used to conforming. Give him a while. He'll adjust