Barney Miller (TV Series)
Bus Stop (1976)
Hal Linden: Capt. Barney Miller
Quotes
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Capt. Barney Miller : [a grumpy Captain Miller approaches Harris' desk] What about you? How about my arrest reports for last month?
Det. Ron Harris : I'm working on them, Barney, but I got stuck on something.
Capt. Barney Miller : Oh, what?
Det. Ron Harris : [Turning to his typewriter] Well, this: "The suspect then turned on Officer Sloane and attacked him with..." I need a word that means "savage," but in a premeditated way.
Capt. Barney Miller : Use that.
Det. Ron Harris : [Shaking his head] Too awkward.
Capt. Barney Miller : [Frustrated] This is an arrest report, not a literary masterpiece, c'mon!
Det. Ron Harris : People downtown have come to expect something more when they see my name on a report.
Capt. Barney Miller : Forget your reputation - gimme the report!
Det. Ron Harris : Okay, Barney, but I'm gonna use my psuedonym.
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Capt. Barney Miller : [Addressing the elderly but feisty Mrs. Pierce] How about you, ma'am? How do you feel about it?
Mrs. Pierce : Well, I-I-I want to sign... but I'm afraid.
Capt. Barney Miller : Afraid? Of what?
Mrs. Pierce : That punk's friends. They remember somebody who squeals. Yeah, they'll come in the middle of the night, they'll tie me up, they'll tear at my clothing...!
Capt. Barney Miller : [Interrupting] Ma'am, you're letting your imagination get the better of you.
Mrs. Pierce : That's all I got left, Captain.
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Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Hey Nick
Capt. Barney Miller : 'Morning, Woj
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Hi Barn
Capt. Barney Miller : Ah, mail in yet
Capt. Barney Miller : No, you expecting something
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Official business
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Where's Fish ?
Capt. Barney Miller : Oh, he's not coming in today ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : What's the matter with him now ?
Capt. Barney Miller : An old ailment acting up again
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : You mean, the one where he can't sit down too good.
Capt. Barney Miller : Yes, that's the one I was referring to and it's not a laughing matter.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Umm... yeah, I know, it's just hard to sympathize with something you never had
Capt. Barney Miller : Your young yet...
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Det. Ron Harris : Yeah, thank. Uh, Barney... A bus went out of control and crashed into a building over on 12th Street. They think it was a hijack
Capt. Barney Miller : Hijack ?
Det. Ron Harris : Yeah
Capt. Barney Miller : Wojo, go with Harris
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : You bet
Det. Ron Harris : Man, you know, I ain't never been on a bus in this town
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : You kidding
Det. Ron Harris : Yeah, I can't afford a cab, I don't go
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : You go broke taking cabs
Det. Ron Harris : Plus, uh, I stay home a lot
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Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : Here, the Hinman report.
Capt. Barney Miller : Oh, thank you. Just out of curiosity, what was it under ?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : Some magazines
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Det. Ron Harris : Ah... Barney, this is Mr. Strand, he was the bus driver
Mr. Strand, Bus Driver : What's that suppose to mean ?
Det. Ron Harris : What ?
Mr. Strand, Bus Driver : Your're looking for a fall guy, huh, look someplace else
Capt. Barney Miller : Mr. Strand, Detective Harris isn't accusing you of anything, he's just identifying you to me.
Mr. Strand, Bus Driver : Why single me out ? I mean, there are two other people he could of identified.
Det. Ron Harris : Uh, Barney, this is Miss Lambert. This is Mr. Quentin. And Neither of them is the bus driver .
Mr. Strand, Bus Driver : You see. You see. Punching... Punching... Punching...
Capt. Barney Miller : All right. All right. All right. Look, we got some questions. We got some questions, we want to ask you, all of you. So if you'll just have a seat, we will try to make it as painless as possible.
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Capt. Barney Miller : So, you failed one test, if at first you don't succeed...
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : It's not the first one, its the fourth. I'm going for a record
Capt. Barney Miller : Well, the idea is to benefit from one's past failures
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : I... I benefitted four failures, and I'm still Stan Wojociehowicz Detective Third Grade
[slight chuckle]
Capt. Barney Miller : So chalk it up to experience and grow with it.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Barn, experience helps a lot of people, but it ain't done nothing for me
Capt. Barney Miller : That is a defeatist attitude
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : No, I can take it. I mean, let Yemana, and Fish, and Harris go out and lead the war against crime. I'll stay there, and I'll type and file and I'll so my job. And I'll be the best Third Grade cop for the rest of my natural life. It's okay with me.
Capt. Barney Miller : That's the way you want it
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : That's the way I want it. I'm just going to take this letter and I'm gonna chuck it in the waste basket... as soon as I get my hand open.
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Det. Ron Harris : Ah, Barney, we got problems
Capt. Barney Miller : What ?
Det. Ron Harris : Well, none of the victims... gonna sign the complaints against Brenner
Capt. Barney Miller : Oh... Wonderful. Five minutes ago, they we're screaming for his blood
Det. Ron Harris : They say they don't want to get any more involved
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Capt. Barney Miller : All right, ladies and gentlemen, what's the trouble
Harry Cranston : Well it seems to me that we spent enough time here, we got our stuff back, you got your punk and I got a business to run.
Capt. Barney Miller : We're not going to do much with our punk, unless we get your statements as witnesses
Harry Cranston : And spend our whole day in court
Capt. Barney Miller : Unfortunately, that's part of what we call the American Judicial System, yes
Miss Lambert : It might be nice, I've never seen you in the morning
Mr. Strand, Bus Driver : I ain't taking any more time off from work, you know how many guys are on line waiting for my job
Harry Cranston : I don't want to get involved
Capt. Barney Miller : Your all ready involved
Miss Lambert : From your mouth to his ear
Capt. Barney Miller : Weren't you the guy who was yelling that... that the police falling down on the job. Well, it's time for you to take some responsibility. We need your statements as witnesses. We need your testimony in court
Brenner : Hey, your not allowed to do that. That's badgering a witness
Det. Ron Harris : Clam up Brenner
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Capt. Barney Miller : We'll contact you if we need you
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Capt. Barney Miller : Mr. Quentin, I forget about you completely, what do you say ?
Mr. Quentin : Oh, I'd like to help you.
Capt. Barney Miller : Good, Dietrich, bring a statement, we'll have Mr. Quentin sign it.
Mr. Quentin : But I can't
Capt. Barney Miller : Mr. Quentin, there has been a crime committed. We like to discourage that sort of thing and we need your help.
Mr. Quentin : I'm a little hazy on the the facts. I...
Capt. Barney Miller : You were robbed weren't you ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : No he wasn't robbed
Capt. Barney Miller : I mean, you saw other people being robbed ?
Mr. Quentin : I guess so
Capt. Barney Miller : You hurt your back ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : I though it was your neck
Mr. Quentin : Well, its all together
Capt. Barney Miller : Where did you get on that bus, Mr. Quentin ?
Mr. Quentin : Uh, Seventh Avenue and Twenty- Six street, I think
Capt. Barney Miller : It was a cross-town bus
Mr. Quentin : I said I was hazy on the facts
Capt. Barney Miller : You got on that bus after the crash, didn't you
Mr. Quentin : Why... Why would I do a thing like that ?
Capt. Barney Miller : Insurance Fraud, how about that, good guess
Mr. Quentin : Well, I mean, people do it every day, don't they. Insurance companies got plenty. They get a break on taxes. They soak us pretty good, right ?
Capt. Barney Miller : That's an opinion but they do it legally
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich , Brenner : Hey Quentin, Quentin, come on in here with me, there's plenty of room
Capt. Barney Miller : Knock it off !
Mr. Quentin : Am I free to go ?
Capt. Barney Miller : Fortunately, you didn't go too far.
Mr. Quentin : I could have signed that statement, you never would have known
Mr. Quentin : Conscience doth make cowards of us all
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : Very well put
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Capt. Barney Miller : Okay, Harris, you and Dietrich take our friend over to Manhattan South. Tell them about the witnesses. Tell them to swear out subpoenas. Tell them to do whatever they want
Det. Ron Harris : Okay Barney
Capt. Barney Miller : Nick... Wojo , you two go over to the hospital. Maybe we can get some statements from the other passengers
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : All right
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Capt. Barney Miller : What's the story ?
Det. Ron Harris : It's a hold-up all the way
Capt. Barney Miller : These the passengers
Det. Ron Harris : That's some of them. Wojo is bringing the rest of them in another car. The suspect jumped off the bus as soon as it crashed. But we cordoned the block off so...
Capt. Barney Miller : Okay