- Thomas Banacek: [to Ed McKay] Yes, but there's an old Polish proverb that says, "No matter how warm the smile on the face of the sun, the cat still has her kittens under the porch."
- Thomas Banacek: How much power that fence have when it's on?
- Ed McKay: Enough to stun a horse.
- Thomas Banacek: Do you have any horses through here?
- Thomas Banacek: How long has it been, McKay?
- Ed McKay: I wondered when you'd remember me.
- Thomas Banacek: I never forget somebody who pushes me around, and you were a cop.
- Ed McKay: You were snotty. You needed pushing.
- Thomas Banacek: I was a kid. I needed a hand - and not the kind YOU gave me.
- Leslie Lyle: Someone in this hospital wants me to die. Do you hear what I'm saying, Doctor? I have been murdered!
- Dr. Richard Ketner: Now, Miss Lyle, I suggest that you take the insurance company's money and let it go at that.
- Thomas Banacek: Spoken like a true beneficiary.
- Wanda: If you're lost, you certainly came to the right place.
- Thomas Banacek: Well, if I'm lost, I hope they don't send out a search party.
- Thomas Banacek: You sure it wasn't just a dream?
- Wanda: It couldn't have been. Burt Reynolds wasn't in it.
- Thomas Banacek: Ow!
- Ed McKay: Hurt yourself?
- Thomas Banacek: Would it bother ya?
- Ed McKay: Oh, I think I could, uh, get over it.
- Leslie Lyle: Mr. Banacek, what do you weigh dripping wet?
- Thomas Banacek: Miss Lyle, that is none of your business.
- Ed McKay: You going in the lab?
- Thomas Banacek: Any objections?
- Ed McKay: I guess not. Just lock up when you come out.
- Thomas Banacek: Sure. I wouldn't want anybody to steal the building.
- Felix Mulholland: You know, someday when books have lost their considerable charm, I shall purchase a trench coat and go into the private eye business. I've always wanted to lead a life of lurid fascination. You know...
- Thomas Banacek: So have I, but I found out the insurance business pays better.
- Felix Mulholland: Look, I have better things to do than to play Bud Abbott to your Frank Costello.
- Thomas Banacek: "Lou" Costello.
- Felix Mulholland: Well, that depends on one's point of view, doesn't it? Goodbye, dear boy.
- Thomas Banacek: Your only problem may just be that you refuse to accept the grim diagnosis that you're in pretty good health.