- Andy: O.K. You're right. I'm a bigot. I assume things about the good-looking they don't deserve - like they get whatever they want, or that their females don't want to talk to me.
- Mr. Pickering: What kind of man calls himself a writer anyway? I'll tell you what kind: the homosexual!
- Andy Richter: [Andy recounts his one and only date with Jessica] Maybe we should try sleeping together...
- Jessica Green: I don't know, I think this might be one of those situations that having bad sex won't help. I guess we've been friends for too long.
- Andy Richter: We might have crossed the line that time I held your hair when you were vomiting.
- Jessica Green: Oh yeah, that was nice.
- Mr. Pickering: In my day if you wanted to sabotage a man, you'd lickor him up, stuff him in a duffelbag and mail him to the Kaizer.
- Andy Richter: I'll try may way first.
- Mr. Pickering: Of course you will. Sodomite!
- Arnich: You changed the schematics.
- Andy Richter: Yes.
- Arnich: Intentionally.
- Andy Richter: If it helps me keep my job, then no. Eh, I was walking by them with a pencil wearing my new bananapeel shoes...
- Andy Richter: [narrating] Alright, lets do some housekeeping. I live in Chicago, I work for the fifth largest company in America, Pickering Industries. We make everything from nightlights to nuclear missiles.
- [steps out of the elevator]
- Andy Richter: Oh look, here's the dead guy who founded it over a hundred years ago.
- Andy Richter: Hello, Mr. Pickering.
- Mr. Pickering: The problem with America, is the negro and the jew.
- Andy Richter: You're just a huge racist bastard, aren't ya?