- Byron Togler: Are your breasts real?
- Teena: [philosophy student/stripper] Can we be sure that anything is real?
- Jessica Green: Byron, you're a pimp.
- Byron Togler: What? No-o, no, I'm just helping these fine ladies with their finances, their clothes, artistic issues...
- Jessica Green: I didn't say you weren't a good pimp.
- Byron Togler: Jessica, oh, I cannot stop thinking about my party. I feel terrible that I made that stripper cry.
- Jessica Green: Teena. Her name is Teena.
- Byron Togler: Oh God, she has a name?
- Jessica Green: What, do you think a woman can only be smart or sexy? Then which one am I, huh?
- Byron Togler: Is scary one of the categories?
- Andy Richter: [reading Wendy's short story] This is awful. It's like reading a 600 year old Penthouse!
- Andy Richter: [Keith is coming to grips with his own mortality] But you had to know that you were probably going to die.
- Keith Richards: I guess I knew it in theory. But I've been pretty lucky so far. I never have to comb my hair, I get paid for doing next to nothing, I smell like this naturally.
- Andy Richter: [narrating] I had to do something. Since I am a writer I decided to use my special weapon. Language: the thing that means stuff!
- Wendy McKay: [as medieval damsel] Agator, if thou love me, why don't thou want to move in with me?
- Keith Richards: [as medieval knight] Look, thou art great. I love thee. It hath nothing to doth with that.
- Byron Togler: [Byron feels bad for criticizing a stripper] I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
- Teena: No, you were right. You were just pointing out the truth. I'm not good at anything. I'm bad in school, I'm bad at stripping, and look at this sweater I made.
- Byron Togler: Why, it's beautiful.
- Teena: [she shows him the top of the sweater] There's no neck opening.
- Byron Togler: [eagerly, at first] I know a guy who would love that. Oh, no, wait, he's got a head.