- Barney Fife: Who ever heard of a room you couldn't cook in? Six dollars a week and what do I get? Heartaches! Nothin' but heartaches!
- Barney Fife: I don't like it! I just don't like it!
- Andy Taylor: Don't like what?
- Barney Fife: Her marrying that stranger!
- Andy Taylor: He's no stranger to her.
- Barney Fife: [Barney looking frustrated and angry] All right! Let em get married! I just hope it ends in a quickie Mexican divorce!
- Andy Taylor: BARNEY!
- Barney Fife: I got it! Let's get him and hold him on a phony traffic charge!
- Andy Taylor: No good.
- Barney Fife: Why?
- Andy Taylor: No car.
- Barney Fife: [after having just been angrily evicted by his irate landlady, Mrs. Mendelbright] With pleasure! Who ever heard of a room where you couldn't cook in anyways? I pay rent here for five years and what do I get? *Heartaches*! Nothing but heartaches!
- Barney Fife: [fuming over Mr. Fields, Mrs. Mendelbright's intended] That no good swindler! I don't trust him, Andy! And you want to know why? A - A guy moves into town. Two: He has no job. And C,
- [slurring]
- Barney Fife: He wants to marry Mrs. Bendelmright!
- Andy Taylor: [Andy looks at Barney and sees that Barney has a drunken, glazed look in his eyes]
- [shocked]
- Andy Taylor: Barney! You're gassed!
- [takes Barney's cup of apple cider and reacts to the smell of the cider]
- Andy Taylor: This cider's turned hard!
- Barney Fife: [starts to cry drunkenly about Mrs. Mendelbright] Bless her heart! Bless her heart!
- Opie Taylor: [to Barney] Pa and I went to see a movie. Gregory Peck was in it.
- Barney Fife: [mumbling] Swell. Swell.
- Opie Taylor: It sure was swell!
- Barney Fife: [turning his face to reveal lipstick marks all over his face from his romantic billing and cooing with Thelma Lou; very annoyed] I heard!
- Opie Taylor: [alarmed] Pa! Pa! Barney's face is bleeding!
- Barney Fife: It's not blood!
- Mrs. Mendelbright: [about Barney Fife] Oh, I do worry about him. He is in this dangerous work and he is so underweight.
- Mrs. Mendelbright: [unsuspectingly drunk on hard cider] Well, I'd better go upstairs and get my shatzel. I mean, my stachel.
- Oscar Fields: Huh?
- Mrs. Mendelbright: The thing I put my clothes in. My valoose.