- Howard Sprague: [writing his column for the paper] See how this sounds: Although this reporter was assigned to cover today's Mayberry - Mt. Pilot baseball game, he must admit frankly that he has very little knowledge of baseball. However, after witnessing this game, it appears that more important than the knowledge of baseball is the knowledge of people. For instance, why does a man take on a job as umpire and expose himself to all kinds of abuse? I know why one man in particular did it...
- Aunt Bee Taylor: [reading the column] His reason was because he was asked to as a favor. He wasn't particularly anxious to do it because his son happened to be playing on the team and he didn't want to run the risk of being completely impartial...
- Goober Pyle: [continuing to read the column] It seems to me that once a man is asked to handle a job like that, any decisions he makes, right or wrong, should be accepted in the spirit in the spirit of good sportsmanship...
- Helen Crump: [finishing reading the column] If any of you critics want the job of umpire at next year's game, let him speak up loud and clear. Frankly, I don't think we'll get too many offers.
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: The way everybody's acting, you'd think I'd come out against the flag and motherhood.
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: Hi Floyd, how about a haircut?
- Floyd Lawson: Got an appointment?
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: Since when do I need an appointment?
- Floyd Lawson: Since about 11:30 this mornin'.
- Goober Pyle: I was saying, there sure is a lot of people walkin' around who need eyeglasses.
- Floyd Lawson: Strong ones.