- Barney Fife: Don't look at him. He'll know we're talkin' about him.
- [pause]
- Barney Fife: What's he doin' now?
- Floyd Lawson: I don't know. You told me not to look at him.
- Barney Fife: Well, for my money, he's got all the facial characteristics of a criminal. You know, the... the narrow chin and the eyes close together and slack jaw with a prominent overbite.
- Andy Taylor: You know who that sounds like?
- Barney Fife: Who?
- Andy Taylor: You.
- Opie Taylor: A penny hit by lightnin's worth six cents!
- Andy Taylor: Who told you that?
- Opie Taylor: Nat Pike told me.
- Aunt Bee Taylor: Oh, Nat Pike is always telling Opie the craziest things.
- Andy Taylor: And you believe him?
- Opie Taylor: Sure!
- Aunt Bee Taylor: Well, I wouldn't put much stock in what Nat Pike tells you.
- Opie Taylor: Why not?
- Aunt Bee Taylor: Well, for one thing, he's only four years old.
- Opie Taylor: He may be young, but he's been around plenty.
- Floyd Lawson: He cuts his own hair.
- Barney Fife: He tell you that?
- Floyd Lawson: Didn't have to. I can spot an amateur head a mile off.
- Barney Fife: Boy! You wouldn't notice a muddy elephant in the snow, would ya?
- Andy Taylor: You tryin' to tell me Sam Becker's got a dirty elephant up to his place?
- Sam Becker: Why do babies pick such crazy hours to be born?
- Andy Taylor: Well, I don't know. I guess they just ain't old enough to have watches yet.
- Barney Fife: Oh, boy. All this goin' on and I'm supposed to go back and shake doorknobs on a bunch of penny-ante stores.
- Andy Taylor: Well, I'm sorry, Barney, but there's nothin' in the books that says it's illegal for a man to jump off his tractor and run up to his house.