- Barney Fife: Well, what kind of a job can you give to Otis? He's irresponsible! He's careless! He's unreliable!
- Andy Taylor: I'll make him a deputy.
- Ralph Campbell: [Drunken Ralph stumbles into the jail and locks himself in a cell] Well, that's the way I do it back home. How do you folks do it here?
- Otis Campbell: See, I've always been the black sheep of my family and it just felt good changin' colors.
- Andy Taylor: Well, Otis ain't a bad fella. He's one'a the nicest fellas I know, always willin' to help out a neighbor, generous and as for his drinkin', we don't lock him up 'cause he's not botherin' anybody. It's so's he won't hurt himself. In a way, that drinkin' does a good service for the town. Otis laps it up so fast, the other folks can't get to it!
- Otis Campbell: Gosh, I been comin' in here a long time, Andy, but I never figured there was chance for advancement!
- Andy Taylor: You may not believe it, but sometimes Otis stays around that jail twenty-four, forty-eight hours straight without leavin'.
- Ralph Campbell: He does, does he?
- Andy Taylor: Oh, yeah, yeah. You take this mornin'. Me and Barney, that's my other deputy, we come down to the jailhouse bright and early. Don't you think Otis was already there, ahead of us?
- Ralph Campbell: Well, whadda you do mostly, Otis?
- Andy Taylor: Oh, uh, we... We all have our, uh, little jobs on the force. Uh, Otis' specialty is trackin' down stills.
- Ralph Campbell: Stills?
- Andy Taylor: Yeah, yeah. The minute, the minute anyone starts makin' moonshine around this area, Otis sniffs 'em right out. And then you know what he does? He goes right down there where they're makin' the stuff and brings it all back, right by hisself! Don't ya, Otis?
- Otis Campbell: Well, yeah. I did that just last night, didn't I?
- Andy Taylor: Otis, there's a letter here for you.
- Otis Campbell: For me?
- Andy Taylor: Yeah. Who'd be sendin' you a letter to this address?
- Barney Fife: I don't know why they shouldn't! Sure is a home away from home!
- Barney Fife: Repeat after me! I will be alert at all times!
- Otis Campbell: I will be alert at all times.
- Barney Fife: I will try to look like a deputy and act like a deputy!
- Otis Campbell: I will try to look like a deputy and act like a deputy.
- Barney Fife: I will, at no time while wearing the uniform, take a drink!
- Otis Campbell: I will try to look like a deputy and act like a deputy.
- Barney Fife: Otis, I said "I will at no time...".
- Otis Campbell: No, don't help me! It just comes kind of hard. I will, at no time while wearing the uniform, take a drink.
- Otis Campbell: [after being told to dispose of his secret cache of whiskey] But the government doesn't want us to waste food!
- [Otis receives a letter at the courthouse]
- Otis Campbell: Would you mind readin' it fer me, Andy? I ain't got my glasses.
- Barney Fife: Can't you read without 'em?
- Otis Campbell: Only labels.