- Barney Fife: The last big buy I made was my mom's and dad's anniversary present.
- Andy Taylor: What'd ya get 'em?
- Barney Fife: Septic tank.
- Andy Taylor: For their anniversary?
- Barney Fife: Yeah. Oh, they're really hard to buy for! Besides, it was something they could use. They were really thrilled. Two tons of concrete, all steel reinforced!
- Andy Taylor: You're a fine son, Barn.
- Barney Fife: Well, I try.
- Thelma Lou: I smell gas. Do you smell gas, Andy?
- Andy Taylor: I smell gas.
- Opie Taylor: I smell gas!
- Gomer Pyle: I smell gas!
- Aunt Bee Taylor: I smell gas, too!
- Barney Fife: All right! All right! All right! You smell gas! 'Course you smell gas! What do you think this car runs on, coal?
- Jake, Myrt's Accomplice: How'd you do, Myrt?
- Myrt 'Hubcaps' Lesh: Unloaded another one, Jake! Three hundred easy clams from the sucker of the world!
- Aunt Bee Taylor: Oh, by the way, Gomer, how are you feeling?
- Gomer Pyle: Sick as a dog, but having the time of my life!
- Barney Fife: All right, is everybody set back there?
- Opie Taylor: I'm all set!
- Aunt Bee Taylor: I'm all set.
- Gomer Pyle: I'm all set.
- Barney Fife: How 'bout the front seat?
- Thelma Lou: I'm all set.
- Andy Taylor: I'm all set.
- Gomer Pyle: Hope I don't get carsick.
- Barney Fife: [quickly but insistently] Opie, you trade places with Gomer! I want him near a window!
- Barney Fife: [as his passengers sing "Old MacDonald Had a Farm"] Wait a minute! Hold it, everybody! Listen!
- [everyone quiets down and bumping sounds are heard]
- Andy Taylor: Just bumps on the road.
- Thelma Lou: What it sounds like to me.
- Gomer Pyle: It's just bumps on the road.
- Aunt Bee Taylor: That's what it sounds like to me.
- Opie Taylor: Me, too.