Carroll O'Connor: Archie Bunker

Quotes 

• Edith Bunker : [Archie is trying to be tender, but Edith is tense]  What are you gonna do?

  Archie Bunker : [tenderly pulls her close]  I'm just gonna do this here with my arm...

  [puts his arm around her] 

  Archie Bunker : ... And this here with my kisser.

  [kisses her tenderly. Edith stiffens at first, then returns the kiss and holds him close, Archie breaks away and smiles at her cautiously] 

  Archie Bunker : Well, wasn't that nice?

  Edith Bunker : [nods, looking both immensely relieved and frightened]  Do you... still love me?

  Archie Bunker : [baffled]  DO I STILL LOVE YOU? What are you talkin' about? Why do you think I'm tryin' all this here... whaddaya call it..."LTD" on ya?

  [meant to say "TLC", for Tender Loving Care] 

  Edith Bunker : ...What's that?

  Archie Bunker : It's uh... uh uh..."Lovin' Til Daylight"... or something.

  [meekly] 

  Archie Bunker : Look, here, I'm doin' the best I can. Lemme try again, huh?

  Archie Bunker : [tries to kiss her again, but Edith reacts frightfully]  What did I do?

  Edith Bunker : I'm still scared.

  Archie Bunker : Aw, Edith, don't be scared no more.

  [hugs her tight] 

  Edith Bunker : I... I can't forget that man.

  Archie Bunker : Aw, Edith...

  Gloria Bunker-Stivic : [barges in the bedroom door]  Ma...

  Archie Bunker : Learn to knock, learn to knock, LEARN TO KNOCK!

• [Mike and Archie search the house for a rapist] 

  Archie : Search the closet.

  Mike Stivic : [Knocks on closet door]  There's nobody in there.

  Archie : What the hell did you expect him to say, "Entre-vous?"

• Archie Bunker : [trying to get a hysterical Edith to explain what happened]  Here, here, take it easy. So a man came over to the house, lookin' for a man, and he said he was the man he was lookin' for. What is that?

  Edith Bunker : He... he had a gun.

  Archie Bunker : HE HAD A GUN?

  Edith Bunker : He said... he was gonna kill me!

  Archie Bunker : DID HE?

  Edith Bunker : NO!

  Archie Bunker : [feeling foolish over his obvious gaffe]  Yeah yeah, he didn't, he didn't... but what did he do?

  Edith Bunker : He... he...

  [she can't bring herself to say the words] 

  Archie Bunker : ...What, what, WHAT?

  Edith Bunker : ...He... HE...

  Archie Bunker : [frustrated, but scared]  ... Come on, Edith, what did he WANT?

  Edith Bunker : [barely a whisper]  ... Me.

  [looks away] 

  Archie Bunker : [confused]  You? Well, what'd you tell him, Edith, did you...?

  [realizing what she means, suddenly panicked] 

  Archie Bunker : The guy...

  [can't say the word, mouths it instead] 

  Archie Bunker : RAPED

  [speaks again] 

  Archie Bunker : you?

  Edith Bunker : NO... no... he tried to.

  Archie Bunker : He TRIED? W-w-w-w-what happened, what'd he do?

  Edith Bunker : [breaks down sobbing]  It was awful. It was awful. I thought he was gonna kill me...

  Archie Bunker : Oh geez, Edith. Oh my God, Edith. You... you need to lie down for a little bit here.

  [she shakes her head "No"] 

  Archie Bunker : Well well, maybe something hot to drink.

  [keeps shaking her head "No"] 

  Archie Bunker : Somethin' cold?

  [keeps shaking her head "No"] 

  Archie Bunker : Yeah, first things first, don't drink nothin.

  [heads for the phone] 

  Edith Bunker : [hoarsely]  Where are you going?

  Archie Bunker : Well, I gotta phone someone, call an ambulance, phone a doctor.

  [Edith keeps protesting "No", Archie is totally frustrated] 

  Archie Bunker : "No, no, no, no"... okay, best thing is to stay offa the phone.

  [takes Edith hands in his] 

  Archie Bunker : Well, geez, Edith... look, we gotta do something, Edith. I mean, if we don't phone nobody important, if we don't drink nothin' tasty, what the hell are we gonna do?

  Edith Bunker : HOLD ME!

  Archie Bunker : That's the best thing, I can do that, all right!

  [hugs her tight] 

  Archie Bunker : Edith... how did you get away from the lousy bum?

  Edith Bunker : Cake... I... I... I hit him with the cake... I was baking.

  Archie Bunker : Thank god you had something heavy around.

  [realizing again the circumstances] 

  Archie Bunker : Wait a minute, wait a minute... he must've been over there when I come lookin' for the punchbowl. But why didn't you say somethin'?

  Edith Bunker : He - he said he would... do somethin' to you.

  Archie Bunker : Do somethin' to me? What the hell? Was he a fruit, too?

• Archie Bunker : Are you all right in there?

  Mike Stivic : Yeah, I just slipped on some cake. Hey, the cake tastes burnt.

• Gloria Bunker-Stivic : Daddy, we have to call the police!

  Archie Bunker : No.

  Edith Bunker : DON'T!

  Gloria Bunker-Stivic : MOM! Remember when it happened to me 3 years ago? That's the first thing we did.

  Archie Bunker : And what the first thing the cop told you when he come over to the house? He said it would never go into court, they'd ask you questions they turn around and make it look like you were ask for it there! That's why we dropped the whole thing, remember that, huh? And what you want to do, put your mother and me through the same kind of shame there?

• Archie : Little girl, something bad has befell the family.

  Gloria Bunker-Stivic : Did a relative die?

  Archie : No, I said something bad.

• Archie Bunker : Don't holler the word RAPE.

• Archie : How did you get rid of the lousy bum?

  Edith : I hit him with my cake.

  Archie : Thank God you had something heavy.

• Archie Bunker : Don't hit the knee that got hit with the trolley.

• Edith : [Mike and Archie are going to check the house for the rapist]  HE'S GOT A GUN!

  [both men slam the door] 

  Archie : This is why every citizen should have a loaded gun in his house you big mouthed liberal you!

  Mike Stivic : HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU I DON'T BELIEVE IN VIOLENCE?

  [picks up baseball bat] 

  Archie : What're you going to do with that? BUNT him off the premises?

• Mike Stivic : Arch! All you're worried about is that when you walk down the street people are going to say 'There goes Archie Bunker, you know his wife was RAPED'.

  Archie Bunker : DON'T HOLLER THE WORD 'RAPE'! It ain't that at all and besides she wasn't THAT.

  Mike Stivic : Alright, but Ma was attacked! We have to DO something!

• Mike Stivic : [the cops grab Archie thinking he's the rapist]  You got the wrong guy! The guy we're looking for is good looking!

  Archie : AW SHUT UP!

• Edith : [shakily]  Come on, Archie.

  Archie : Where... where we going?

  Edith : To the police station.

  Archie : Are you sure?

  Edith : If it's him... I have to stop him. Gloria... put all that stuff away, I ain't doing anymore laundry!

• Gloria Bunker-Stivic : [instructing Archie on how to be tender with Edith]  I want you to hold her hand, put your arm around her, give her a kiss.

  [gives him a little kiss] 

  Gloria Bunker-Stivic : [forcefully]  Now do that!

  Archie Bunker : But if I do that after what happened here, she'll think I'm trying to attack her.

  Gloria Bunker-Stivic : No, no, no, you're wrong. See, what happened to ma had nothing to do with sex, it was an act of violence. And if you're not attentive, she's gonna think something's wrong with her. So go on up there daddy, I know she's thinking that right now. Be affectionate to her, come on. And I'll get your dinner started.

  Archie Bunker : [reluctantly]  Yeah, yeah, but Gloria. I, I... I can't do it!

  Gloria Bunker-Stivic : [chasing him up the stairs]  Get up there!

• Archie Bunker : He tried to

  [mouths the word 'rape'] 

  Archie Bunker : her.

  Mike Stivic : HE TRIED TO RAPE HER?

  Archie Bunker : DON'T SAY BAD THINGS IN WORDS!

• Archie : We ought to forget the whole thing officers, it's a false alarm anyway, as you can see, everything is just peaches and beans.

  Mike Stivic : Wait a second! There was a crime committed here, will you stop worrying what people will think?

  Archie : I ain't worried about that, what I'm worried about is that this could come up before a judge in some court, and one of them guys will turn the whole thing around and make believe it's the woman's fault. What do you say to that, officers?

  Cop : We just lock them up, we don't try them.

  Archie : Oh well now there you go, Meathead, case closed.

• Archie : I ain't never gonna go to that supermarket again there, I hate it. It's two weeks I'm doing all the shopping in this house 'cuz your mother's scared to go outside of the place. If I ever get my hands on that raperer, I'm gonna turn him into a unique.

  Gloria Bunker-Stivic : Well you blew your chance, Daddy, cuz with no one around to identify him the police had to let him go. But you just go get him, huh?

  Archie : Death's too good for them guys, they ought to sentence them to 30 years in the supermarket.

  Gloria Bunker-Stivic : Daddy, don't pounds on the front door like that anymore. When you do, it scares Ma and she runs upstairs and hide.

  Archie : Ah geez, she's getting loonier every day! Washing and ironing the same things over and over. You know at night she sleeps with the lights on up there? I gotta hide myself under the covers, it ain't good for you you know. You ain't supposed to breathe the same air that your toes is in.

  Gloria Bunker-Stivic : Well, Daddy, you just better get used to this because it might go on for a long time.

• Archie : This thing happened to you a couple years ago, didn't take *you* forever to get overs.

  Gloria Bunker-Stivic : How do you know? Ever since it happened I haven't been able to walk down 47th Avenue, and I'll tell you something else, Michael was wonderful through all of it, he helped me through the worst of it, he wasn't like you, he was so patient.

  Archie : Ah geez.

  Gloria Bunker-Stivic : Yes! He went out of his way to be sweet and kind and gentle.

  Archie : Well he'd have to go out of his way to be sweet and gentle, comes natural to me.

  [Gloria looks at him] 

  Archie : I'll SMACK that look off your face!

• Archie : [goes over to Edith at the ironing board]  Hi Edith, good to see you angel doll, oh gee, you're starching that same sheet again.

  Edith Bunker : It ain't smooth!

  Archie : Oh, it ain't smooth.

  [glares at Gloria]