- Edith writes a poem and gets a letter from a company that wants to turn it into a song for only $30. Archie buys a "dog alarm" and a gun to protect the house all for only $60. The family gets into an argument over which is more important and Archie agrees to give the gun back. That night two burglars, who have just robbed a jewelry store, break into the house and hold the Bunkers hostage until the heat is off. At one point, the thief threatens to take off with the $30 but Edith talks him out of it by offering to sing the song. After hearing her sing, they decide that the Bunkers are in such sad shape that it would be cruel to rob them. The next day Archie reads in the newspaper that the crooks were arrested, and Mike reveals that he fixed the dog alarm by replacing it with Edith's singing.—anonymous
- When a fly-by-night publishing company offers to turn a poem Edith wrote into a song, Archie refuses to let her pay their $30 handling fee, preferring instead to spend the money on a second-hand gun to protect the family home after a rash of local burglaries.—billsmusic1977
- When the Bunkers and Stivics arrive home and interrupt a burglary in progress, they are held at gunpoint by the culprits. An argument ensues on whether to spend the family's cash reserves for a security system or to publish Edith's newly written song.—Brian Rathjen <briguy_52732@yahoo.com>
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