- Wednesday Addams: [reciting her new poem] "I have a gloomy little spider; I love to sit down close beside her. She never knows where she has been 'cause all she does is spin and spin. My spider's quite a busy roamer, which is why I called her Homer. She loves to work and spin all day, and then at night she likes to play. Her web is like my mother's hair; her eyes have got my father's stare. She may not jump or twist or bend but a spider's a girl's best friend."
- Morticia Addams: Now run out to the kitchen and get a snack. Lurch has baked a lovely souffle of aardvark.
- Wednesday Addams: Couldn't I just have a little bowl of sea slugs?
- Morticia Addams: For desert, darling, for desert.
- Morticia Addams: [having been left out of this year's annual charity bizarre] What reason could they possibly have for not letting us know. We've always donated more than our share.
- Gomez Addams: Who else would give them a beautiful stuffed python crushing a water buffalo.
- Morticia Addams: Or the chopping block of Ivan the Terrible with original nicks still in it.
- Gomez Addams: I even threw in the headman's ax that made those nicks.
- Morticia Addams: You didn't!
- Gomez Addams: Well, I got carried away.
- Morticia Addams: Oh, darling, you're generous to a fault.
- Gomez Addams: That's true. Did you see some of the junk the other people gave?
- Morticia Addams: Certainly takes no imagination to donate an original Van Gogh.
- Gomez Addams: Right. Now, if someone donated his ear...
- Granny Hester Frump: When Morticia wanted to go to work at the age of ten, did I stop her? No. When she had pneumonia and wanted to run out in the snow and play, did I stop her? No. When she tried to run away from home, did I stop her? No! And what's my reward? An old folks home.
- Gomez Addams: What's the matter with her?
- Morticia Addams: I was just going to ask you that.
- Gomez Addams: Glad I asked first.
- Dr. Jonley: Pogo stick? J-jumping rope? Hmm... They're typical regressions to a second childhood. Yes, yes, yes, these things are very difficult to handle at the home level, but at Happy Valley, there's something wrong with a patient who isn't eh, eh, eh, jumping rope or dancing a Watusi.
- Granny Frump: Lemme look at you. You look worst of all.
- Gomez Addams: It's this light.
- Granny Frump: Nothing wrong with the light.
- Gomez Addams: That's the trouble.
- Granny Frump: Fester, I just know I'm right. I just know they're planning to put me out to pasture.
- Uncle Fester: Well, you are the outdoor type.