- Dr. Dick Solomon: We seem to be annoyed with each other, and as fascinating as that is, it's irritating as hell.
- [having a family meeting after just learning of Roy's alien abduction]
- Dr. Dick Solomon: No, no, NO! We are not killing *anyone*!
- Dr. Dick Solomon: So, no matter how obnoxious you are, how much of a burden you become, you can still count on the forgiveness of your family?
- Dr. Mary Albright: Yeah.
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Even if they touch your radio and refuse to make smoked chub and disobey your orders not to kill?
- Dr. Mary Albright: Yeah, even then.
- Dr. Mary Albright: Oh, sure! Aliens traveled billions of lightyears across space just to ram a probe up Roy Albright's butt!
- [subtly trying to kill Roy with a boulder to the head]
- Sally Solomon: You know what really turns me on? The back of a man's head.
- Narrator: Aliens are all around us. This is the story of a band of four such explorers. In order to blend in, they've assumed human form.
- Narrator: [as Dick appears on screen] This is the High Commander. He has assembled an elite team of experts: a decorated military officer, a seasoned intelligence specialist and...
- Narrator: [as Harry is seen stuffing a photograph into his mouth] ... Well, they had an extra seat.
- Narrator: Earth is a place where backing down causes ego problems. Backing up causes severe tire damage.
- [Dick convinces Mary to invite her brother to visit]
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Oh, and when he gets here, just act normal.
- Dr. Mary Albright: I'd ask you to do the same, but I'm afraid that ship has sailed.
- Roy Albright: Jordan H. Almond! You are one beautiful woman!
- Sally Solomon: Why does every man I meet have to remind me of that, like I'm gonna forget?
- Roy Albright: [Telling his alien abduction story] Next thing I knew, I was being sucked up by this big hose...
- Dr. Dick Solomon, Sally Solomon, Harry Solomon, Tommy Solomon: [Alarmed] The Big Hose!
- Dr. Mary Albright: What about you? Do YOU think there's intelligent life up there?
- [Points to the night sky]
- Dr. Dick Solomon: [Scoffs] Up there? No.
- [points in a different direction]
- Dr. Dick Solomon: Up THERE!