- Andrei Basilashvili: [in an audition for the gangster role in Antonio's new epic] Come on all you...! Er, I cannot say this word, it's, er, against my religion.
- Spadina Bathurst: Well, just read on - we'll get round it - Read!
- Andrei Basilashvili: Come on all you, er, morons, this is a stick up, or I'll flipping well execute every last one of you... Idiots!
- [pause]
- Andrei Basilashvili: Yopso Mopso
- [translated loosely from Russian - 'Oh deary me!']
- Andrei Basilashvili: This not very original script!
- Antonio Pannolino: Philistine! Get Out!
- Nicole: Good Morning Sir, it's Mr.Basi... er, Basila... Ba...
- Andrei Basilashvili: Andrei Basilashvili.
- Nicole: Yes, of course, please have a seat - my name's Nicole, so, what sort of employment are you seeking?
- Andrei Basilashvili: Film Star!
- Nicole: Sorry?
- Andrei Basilashvili: I want to be a film star.
- Nicole: OK
- [pause]
- Nicole: do you have any experience at all in this?
- Andrei Basilashvili: Well, I used to be a taxi driver, and I met Nikita Mikhalkov - he is one of Russia's greatest actor-directors... have you seen any of his films?
- Nicole: No, I'm afraid not.
- Andrei Basilashvili: They're very good!
- Nicole: [pause while Nicole searches for a suitable job for Andrei] OK. This is what we have at present sir... just came in this morning - it's a vacancy for a sanitary technician, but it's at a very prestigious London cinema...
- Andrei Basilashvili: Well, anything is better than scrubbing toilets!
- George Warner: Una beer, s'il vous plait
- [long pause while George is ignored by the barman]
- George Warner: Erm, une beer, s'il vous plait
- [another long pause]
- George Warner: Er, Je vois biere, s'il vous plait!
- French Barman: [the barman eventually responds whilst admiring the large array of bottles lining the bar] Oui, moi aussi.
- Lucia: Would you like some assistance?
- George Warner: Oh, you speak English!
- Lucia: Just a little - and a little French - and a little Italian...
- George Warner: Oh, that's nice!
- Lucia: [to the barman] Une biere pour mon ami le rosbif s'il vous plait.
- French Barman: Bien Sur.
- Lucia: I'm Lucia.
- George Warner: George! - pleased to meet you.
- Lucia: Enchanté!
- George Warner: [the Projectionist's Song - verse 1] I am the very model of a modern film projectionist / And I can count upon one hand the changeovers that I have missed / At twenty four frames per second the pictures synchronise with sound / To give an image, oh so good, some call me a perfectionist / I scrub my lenses every day and clean the gate with cotton buds / I polish sprockets while they turn and smother them in super-suds / The reels and reels of celluloid my audiences have enjoyed / Give pleasure and excitement more than anyone can ever judge.
- [chorus - Give pleasure and excitment...]
- George Warner: [verse 2] Although my expertise is usually at it's pinnacle / Sometimes I get a film that's done the rounds and is quite terrible / If on opening I'm out of rack it means I have to take the flak from stuck up management and bosses really quite detestable.
- [chorus - If on opening he's out of rack...]
- Stefania Pannolino: [interior of Cinecitta Studios, Rome. Casino set for the production of Antonio's epic 'Red Carpet'. Stefania's character is at the roulette] Fifty Thousand on the Black!
- Croupier: Fifty Thousand Madam?
- Spalding: The lady's credit is good - place the bet.
- Croupier: Fifty Thousand on Black.
- Bob: I'd put it on Red if I were you...
- Stefania Pannolino: And why is that?
- Bob: Because red is the colour of love!
- Stefania Pannolino: Mmm... Pleased to meet you
- [pause]
- Stefania Pannolino: My name is Tatyana... Tatyana Legova.
- Bob: Don't mind if I do - The name's Bob.
- Antonio Pannolino: [the microphone boom drops into shot] Cut!
- Stefania Pannolino: Oh no, not again...
- Andrei Basilashvili: [scene from the film within the film; Antonio's 'Red Carpet' epic - The Gangster invites the Beautiful Actress to dinner] Come in! You're late...
- Stefania Pannolino: I thought it was polite for a lady to be 20 minutes late in England.
- Andrei Basilashvili: Well, I'm Russian, and you're 40 minutes late.
- Stefania Pannolino: Then I'm just doubly polite, and anyway, I'm Italian!
- Andrei Basilashvili: Huh!
- Mr.Harris: [Mr.Harris has gone mad as a result of being cut out of Antonio's film. He is on the roof of the cinema, plane spotting in the pouring rain and shouting to the imaginary aircraft] Golf Aplha! Golf Alpha! Mike, Alpha, Delta! Ip-gip-hop-hop-ooh-ay-Golf, India, Tango! Ho-ho-oh-ohh-aah-ah! Looks like we're on Basil Brush departures today!