- [last lines]
- Tom Dobbs: politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently and for the same reason. Keep that in mind the next time you vote. Good night.
- Tom Dobbs: Today I was in the oval office for a preparatory meeting and I sat behind the President's desk and I had a reality check. I sat there and I went 'Wait a minute, I'm a Jester. A Jester doesn't rule the kingdom; He makes fun of the king.'
- Tom Dobbs: Why would security guards pad down an 85-year-old lady with a walker? If *she's* a terrorist... well, then the ball game's over, folks.
- Alan Stewart: Perception of legitimacy is more important than legitimacy itself. That's - the greater truth. Don't fuck with our democracy. Don't undermine our way of life. You want to know what the heart and soul is of every American? They believe that their vote counts. Now, you wanna tell them that's not true?
- Tom Dobbs: HMOs will pay for your Viagra, but they won't pay for your glasses. So you can have a hard-on, but you can't see where to put it.
- Tom Dobbs: Do you want to know my history? Basically, when I was a young boy I used to look at pictures of naked ladies, hence my right hand is very strong. I touched myself more than a third base coach.
- Tom Dobbs: Freedom of religion means practicing any religion you want, anytime and anywhere you want. Like being a Jewish Buddhist: all you do is sit and wait for stuff to go on sale.
- Tom Dobbs: If you tell a joke - and it stinks - but you put a laugh track over it - the joke still stinks.
- Tom Dobbs: You can't spend 200 million dollars on a campaign and not be owing people something. And the next thing you know they have to deal with the special interests, and the next thing you know they're doing special favors for special people and not dealing with what you need: education, healthcare, environmental issues. They have to deal with oil companies, chemical companies, drug companies, and they owe them. And in the process, people get neglected. The poor - have no advocate, because the poor can't afford a lobbyist. The Statue of Liberty says, "Give me your tired, your poor," not "your wealthy, your gifted and your endowed. "
- Tom Dobbs: Even in the face of tyranny, there is comedy. Remember those two Jewish commandos who were sent to kill Hitler at 12:30? They waited in an alley with guns, bombs and knives... only Hitler didn't show up. After half an hour came and went, still no Hitler. Finally, one Jew turns to the other and says, "My God, I hope nothing happened to him."
- Tom Dobbs: We deal in weapons of mass distraction. They push your buttons. That's how they do it. He's talking about hydrogen fuel. He wants an amendment to the Constitution on flag-burning. It's an emotional issue! They're talking about the desecration of the flag, but if you go online right now, you can buy flag underwear! You can see an old lady basically wearing a flag thong and go, "Oh, Grandma, don't tell me where Old Glory is!" It's all about distractions!
- Tom Dobbs: Why *vote* for Congressmen or Senators? Why don't we just pick those guys the same way we pick a jury? At least we'll get a much more interesting cross-section.
- Alison McAndrews: Both of the candidates you're running against are happily married, with kids. You're divorced and have no children. So how are *you* gonna come off as family-friendly?
- Tom Dobbs: Well, I could hold my mother's ashes.
- Tom Dobbs: There are roughly 8 thousand slots to be filled, 15 hundred of which will require Senate confirmation. Do we *know* that many incompetent people, outside of Los Angeles?
- Tom Dobbs: If Mama Cass had shared a sandwich with Karen Carpenter, they both would be alive today. I'm sorry. This is a man who's so sensitive. Someone once asked, "What do I think of gay marriage?" And he said, "I think gays have a right to be just as miserable as the rest of us."
- Tom Dobbs: The president wants to pass an amendment banning same-sex marriage. Anybody who's been married knows it's always the same sex!
- Jack Menken: It's like the comic who gets to play Carnegie Hall but shows up and plays the violin. It's not what they go to see.
- Tom Dobbs: How many analogies do you have left?
- Jack Menken: How many does it take to make my point?
- Eddie Langston: These people have things to do.
- Tom Dobbs: Like?
- Eddie Langston: Like, hello, they've got lobbyists to deal with. They've got trips the lobbyists have sent them on. They've gotta go do TV shows to explain to people what they're not doing while they're not there.
- Tom Dobbs: This makes golf look like porn.
- Hemmings: Will you be disappointed to be going back to television after this ride?
- Eddie Langston: Oh, no. I have a glorious love-hate relationship with TV.
- Hemmings: How so?
- Eddie Langston: TV scares me. It makes everything seem credible.
- Hemmings: Why is that so bad?
- Eddie Langston: If everything seems credible then nothing seems credible. You know, TV puts everybody in those boxes, side-by-side. On one side, there's this certifiable lunatic who says the Holocaust never happened. And next to him is this noted, honored historian who knows all about the Holocaust. And now, there they sit, side-by-side, they look like equals! Everything they say seems to be credible. And so, as it goes on, nothing seems credible anymore! We just stopped listening!
- Tom Dobbs: [to a group of reporters] When I was 21, I went to a prostitute and I was so bad, she had to give me a refund.
- Tom Dobbs: A woman can be obsessed with a movie star like Brad Pitt - hello! - and you could say Angelina. I could be obsessed with Angelina. I just want to wet her lips and stick her to something.
- Tom Dobbs: [to group of reporters] Yes, I did inhale because I thought 'What the hell, it's lit, it's in my hand, I'll inhale it.'
- Tom Dobbs: People say Intelligent Design, we must teach Intelligent Design. Look at the human body, is that intelligent? You have a waste processing plant next to a recreation area.
- Tom Dobbs: The government said recently that we're cutting back spending, yet NASA blew $28 million to develop a fountain pen that writes upside down in zero gravity. The Russians solved the same problem with a 5-cent pencil... and after two cases of vodka, it's still writing.
- [laughter]
- Tom Dobbs: If you have GPS, be very careful. I bought a Mercedes recently with talking GPS. I opened the door and my car went, "Are you Jewish?"
- [more laughter]
- Tom Dobbs: Soon, all of your appliances will speak to each other. You'll get on the scale and it'll go, "I've talked to the microwave; forget it, pal."
- [more laughter]
- Eleanor Green: [franticly] You are not the elected president of the United States. There! I've said it.
- Tom Dobbs: [on his decision to run for President of the US] I'm fed up with party politics, tired of the whole Republicans versus Democrats thing. Because there's no real difference; they're all Mr. Potato-Head candidates. Basically, the operative word is party. Behind closed doors, they just have a good time. What do you think the Secretary of Defense means when he says, "I think there's an open bar somewhere"?
- Tom Dobbs: [on the environment] The best thing about ethanol, or alcohol-based fuel, is that it provides you with a fresh alibi. If you get pulled over by the cops, you can just say, "My car's been drinking, not me!"... If you put enough chemicals in the water, you'll catch two-headed bass. They're good eating once you get past the tumors.
- Tom Dobbs: I guess if I was in Italy I might get lucky. I mean, they elected an Italian porn star to their Senate. Which is wonderful. There's no sex scandal there - just great posters and incredible downloads.
- Jack Menken: The internet was on fire. Over eight million emails. It was a grass-roots movement fueled by the power of the internet and the cult of personality.
- Tom Dobbs: [just minutes before his nationally-televised Presidential debate] I need a wife to be my escort for the debate. We could find a nice house on Pennsylvania Avenue, nothing ostentatious. Helicopter pad in the back yard, couple of thousand phone lines, staff of 60... Am I nervous? Well, why else would I propose to a woman I never met before?
- [from trailer]
- Tom Dobbs: [at a presidental debate] Mr. Kellogg, wants an amendment against same sex marriage! Anybody who's ever been married knows it's always the same sex!
- Eddie Langston: [referring to Senator Mills in the debate] This guy smiles so much, it's starting to upset me.
- Senator Mills: I support hydrogen cars...
- Tom Dobbs: That's weird, because you're backed by oil companies.
- Eddie Langston: There seems to be a link between smoking and heart disease. Or am I just making that up?
- Tom Dobbs: And here's our first contestant, Your name please? / Yes my name is Rachel Tensions.
- [laughing]
- Tom Dobbs: / Yes indeed dear, contestant number two your name? / My name is Miss Ogyny, Yes I thought he was really hot but then when I found out about his radical environmental policy I went Ump-mm, I like a dirty environment if you know what I mean, I want a man who's not afraid to go in the wet lands and drill.
- [laughing]
- Tom Dobbs: Deep drill you know what I'm saying, get down in the mud and take it home daddy that's all.
- Jack Menken: Everyone's going to be writing about how honest you are and how straightforward you are. I just hope your honesty doesn't undercut your irreverence.
- Tom Dobbs: Well I want to do a show about gay farmers and call it "Crop Suckers", is that offensive?
- Jack Menken: Not for me.
- Jack Menken: Look at it this way - who would you rather have dinner with, Richard Pryor in his prime, or Kofi Annan, the head of the UN? Tell me which dinner is going to be more interesting.
- Tom Dobbs: If there's no candles, Richard. But, I'd like to be with Kofi just to say, "Coffee, Kofi?" "What?" "Coffee, Kofi?" "Kofi, coffee?"
- Jack Menken: Politicians today look like they're borrowed from the wax museum: they're already in their suits, waiting to be buried. You don't wanna be like them; you wanna be different.
- Tom Dobbs: I was always hoping for a Brazilian Pope - Pope Raul - just so we could have nuns in thongs and feathers. That would bring a lot of people back to the Church.
- Jack Menken: [in the hospital with Dobbs as the latter is winning the Presidential election] This is the happiest night of my life, and I can't stay awake. Go figure.
- Tom Dobbs: [paying an impromptu visit to Congress] I'll try and be brief, because I know this is the Senate's bingo day... This is not official; it's just our little secret between you, me and the world media.
- Tom Dobbs: My manager's only annoying when he's happy. It's an old Irish tradition... I've played in clubs for years; I've had to deal with drunks, hecklers and angry waitresses - including my ex-wife, who was all three.
- Tom Dobbs: You never know with females. I had an ex who used to do enough tranquillizers to put a small flock of sheep to sleep.
- Eddie Langston: Why?
- Tom Dobbs: Oh, she said it made the sex with me more bearable.
- Tom Dobbs: I always loved those buckled shoes from Colonial days; they're part pimp, part pilgrim. Right after you get off the Mayflower, you can have four girls in a Cadillac.
- Jack Menken: I don't care what you say, but say it with some humor. These crowds expect it. You give speech after speech, nothing's funny!
- Tom Dobbs: They'll get funny when I'm back on the show after the hiatus.
- Jack Menken: It's too dry!
- Tom Dobbs: Oh, come on, I came on the campaign to talk about issues.
- Jack Menken: There's no pop, zing. There's no oomph.
- Tom Dobbs: Remember the motto "It's no joke?" It's no joke!
- Jack Menken: You're a comedian who talks about politics. So when you talk about politics without the comedy, it's like wanting to get laid and forgetting to bring along the woman. You'll quickly discover something is missing.