Grandma's Boy (2006)

Nick Swardson: Jeff

Photos 

Quotes 

• Alex : Dude, your bed is a car...

  Jeff : Yeah, but it's a fucking sweet car.

• Grace : I once gave Charlie Chaplin a handjob.

  Jeff : Wow, was he silent?

  Grace : Not after I got through with him.

• Jeff : I can't believe you came on my mom!

• Alex : My grandma drank all my pot.

  Jeff : That's awesome.

  Alex : What?

  Jeff : I mean, how many people can say that in a lifetime?

• Jeff : This chick's pussy smelled like the great depression.

• Jeff : [imitating J.P]  My name is J.P. I am a robot. I have a robot vagina.

• Jeff : Crap that's Alex's intercom.

  [answers Alex's intercom and impersonates him] 

  Jeff : Yello?

  Receptionist : Delivery at the front desk for you, Alex.

  Jeff : Cool! I hope it's a naked dude with a boner!

  Receptionist : What?

  Jeff : Nothing.

• DDR Machine : [Jeff has just won a DDR Challenge]  A NEW HIGH SCORE!

  Jeff : [to Bobby, the defeated co-worker]  What does "high score" mean? New high score, is that bad? What does that mean? Did I break it?

• Dante : Does anyone want to try this weed? It's called the Brown Bomber.

  Alex : Why is it called that?

  Dante : Because when you smoke it you get so stoned that you shit your pants! Hahahaha!

  Jeff : Uh, I don't wanna do that.

  Barry : Yeah, I already shit my pants this month.

• Jeff : Do you have bathrooms here, or do I have to shit in a plant?

  Shiloh : BAHAHAHA! Stupid FUCKING idiot! Red-shirted ASS! You guys think you're so fucking cool, it makes me sick! "Oh, let's go make fun of the vegans, and their crazy lifestyle!" We're not hurting anyone! Go eat a hamburger and choke on a cow dick!

• Jeff : So Barry sucked on his first boobie last night.

  [people clap] 

  Barry : [Gleaming with pride]  For 13 hours.

• Jeff : Dude, jerking off on my mom is one thing. But banging your grandmother and her roommates? That's like... legendary.

  Alex : You're an idiot.

• Jeff : My roommates said they were gonna get me rims for Christmas, or a CB radio so I could talk to other car beds.

• Samantha : Alex, I need you to deal with 10 through 15 because those are the real problem levels and...

  Alex : [farts] 

  Samantha : Is he sleeping?

  Jeff : Yes, and possibly shitting his pants.

  [pats Alex] 

  Jeff : Wake up, dude.

  Alex : [wakes up]  No chores, Grandma!

  Samantha : Nice rip, Alex.

  Alex : Rip what?

• Jeff : You're the reason Alex has been tired all week?

  Grace : Well, we have been sort of rough on him. But, he is kind of soft if you know what I mean.

  Grandma Lilly : We're not used to having a man in the house, so I guess we ride him pretty hard.

  Barry : Ohh, that is so gnarly.

• Jeff : Grace... I have something to confess.

  Grace : What's that?

  Jeff : [pauses]  You were my first.

  Grace : Really? Oh, that's sweet. You were my...

  [thinks hard] 

  Grace : 3,000-something.

  Jeff : [Raises hand to give a high five]  Word up.

• Dante : [Answering the phone stoned]  Hello?

  Jeff : Dante is Alex there?

  Dante : [hands the phone to Alex]  The phone's for you. I think it's the Devil.

• Jeff : Your shit's weak! Wizzeak!

• Jeff : Hi I'm Jeff... I have a bush too. It's not grey.

  Alex : Hey!

  Jeff : What?

  Alex : My bush isn't really grey.

  Jeff : Well, not according to my mom.

  Alex : [under his breath]  I thought I told you to quit talking about that.

  Jeff : [frustrated]  People keep asking me about it.

• Jeff : Who wants to hear about my STD from the silent film era?

• Jeff : Come in. Hurry up.

  Alex : Are you sure this is OK?

  Jeff : Yeah, it's totally cool. Just keep your voice down - my roommates are sleeping.

  Alex : You mean your parents?

  Jeff : Yeah, same thing.

  Alex : ...Nice jammies.

  Jeff : Thanks! They're a present from my roommates.

  Alex : That's cool.

• Alex : You remember Lara?

  Jeff : Yes I do, and she already has a cold sore. What a surprise.

• Jeff : Eat that frog dick Timmy!

• Jeff : Fruit cup, nice. Way to go mom.

• Jeff : [looks down]  I should have worn a condom.

• Jeff : What's up, shitlips.

  Alex : Hey, I need a huge favor.

  Jeff : You're not jerking off on my dad.

  Alex : Funny. No, I was wondering if you could do some of my levels.

  Jeff : No, why can't you do them?

  Alex : It's my roommates. They won't stop watching... porn. I can't get any work done.

  Jeff : You're dead to me. Over.

  [hangs up phone] 

  Alex : Well, Jeff's a good friend.

• Jeff : That was a good idea.

  Kane : No it wasn't. I'm a piece of shit. I suck.

  Jeff : Relax, Kane. You're not a piece of shit.

• Jeff : [Referring to J.P. as he walks in the conference room]  Hey look, it's Bono's brother!

• Jeff : Hey, Alex. Can we go back to your grandma's house? I gotta pee.

  Alex : Why don't you just go to the alley and pee?

  Jeff : I gotta pee out of my ass.

  Alex : Well I guess we could go by.

  Jeff : Emergency!

• Jeff : [stuffing food in his mouth]  I'm the cookie monster.

• Jeff : Does someone have a light? I found this weed.

  Samantha : Oh, I do.

  Jeff : [staring at the joint]  I wanna smoke it.

• Jeff : Dude, jerking off on my mom is one thing. But sleeping with your Grandma and her two roommates... that's LEGENDARY.

• Jeff : What's up Douche Bigalow?

  Alex : Hey Speed Racer. What'd you do, valet your bed?

  Jeff : No, but I'll self park it in your asshole.

• Bobby, Co-Worker #1 : Challenge.

  Jeff : Not now Bobby, Alex's not taking challenges right now. Can't you see he's sleeping?

  Bobby, Co-Worker #1 : No, I challenge you Jeff.

  Jeff : To what game?

  Bobby, Co-Worker #1 : A little Dance Dance Revolution.

  Jeff : That's great Bobby, but we don't have Dance Dance Revolution so... you're dumb.

• Jeff : Nice karma, Guyblow.

• Grace : So how much time do we have?

  Jeff : At least enough time to 69.

• J.P. : How do you two know each other?

  Samantha : I woke him up here this morning. He fell asleep working late last night.

  J.P. : Yea, well that's what old people do, they fall asleep.

  Alex : Wow, JP that is a great outfit. How much do clothes cost in the Matrix?

  J.P. : So funny I forgot to laugh.

  Jeff : Hi, I'm Jeff. I have a bush too. It's not grey.

  Alex : [punches Jeff in the arm]  Hey, my bush isn't really grey.

  Jeff : Well, not according to my mom.

  Alex : I thought I told you to quit talking about that.

  Jeff : People keep asking me about it.

  Samantha : Um, I'm really sorry to have to leave this conversation, but, I will see you guys later.

  J.P. : Get back to work, testers.

  Jeff : Hey Samantha, don't take the red pill!

• Alex : [Alex is playing Frog Bog against Timmy]  I thought you were good at this, man.

  [singing] 

  Alex : Flies. I'm a frog. I'm eating flies, a lot more than you.

  Jeff : Eat that frog dick Timmy! Eat it!

  J.P. : [to Samantha]  I'm sorry you had to see this. It's all these poor knaves have to look forward to everyday.

  [Samantha shrugs him off] 

  Jeff : Yea! Your shit's weak! Shit's weak!

  [Alex wins the game] 

  Jeff : Yea! Your shit's weak! W-izz-eak!

  Alex : You never had a chance Timmy.

  Timmy : I'll get you eventually "Grey Bush". Time is on my side.

  Alex : Hey, at least I have a bush.

  Jeff : [singing into air-microphone]  Shit's weak.

• Jeff : Oh my gosh! Dildo lunch?