Grandma's Boy (2006)

Peter Dante: Dante

Photos 

Quotes 

• Alex : Anyway, I was wondering if maybe I could crash here for a while.

  Dante : Whoa, I don't know, man. I got a business to run. This is like my office as well as my home. Plus, the lion comes in a couple days.

  Alex : You're getting a lion?

  Dante : Yeah.

  Alex : Why?

  Dante : To protect my shit.

  Alex : Never heard of a dog?

  Dante : Dude, you can get past a dog. Nobody fucks with a lion.

  Alex : Yeah, that's true.

• Dante : I'll smoke it with ya bro, we'll go to the loony bin together. I don't give a fuck.

• Dante : [while stoned]  Drive, monkey, drive!

• Dante : That is pure fucking insanity.

  Alex : Yeah, I know. He got addicted to hookers.

  Dante : No, I'm talking about the guy who threw your bong. You should never throw a bong, kid. Ever.

• Dante : Does anyone want to try this weed? It's called the Brown Bomber.

  Alex : Why is it called that?

  Dante : Because when you smoke it you get so stoned that you shit your pants! Hahahaha!

  Jeff : Uh, I don't wanna do that.

  Barry : Yeah, I already shit my pants this month.

• Dante : Dr. Shakalu brought my some crazy Zimbabwe weed that turns you into a deer.

  Alex : You do know that lions eat deer, right?

  Dante : Thats true kid. Doctor, we gotta be careful.

• Dante : [Phone rings]  What is that ringing?

  [Phone rings again] 

  Dante : Do I have a tumor?

• Alex : [hangs up the phone]  Dude... you have to give me a ride.

  Dante : [after smoking]  I'm way too baked to drive to the devil's house.

• Dante : Wow... where do you get your weed?

  Mr. Cheezle : From you, Dante.

  Dante : Oh... THAT'S RIGHT! What's up, Mr. Cheezle!

• Alex : Dude, why don't you pick up your phone? I've been calling for the past half hour!

  Dante : Sorry bro, I was putting up my Christmas tree!

  Alex : Dude? It's the middle of July.

  Dante : Get the fuck outta here! It is?

  Alex : Dude? Why are you naked?

  Dante : Ooohhh shit! I am naked! Come in.

  [turns around] 

  Alex : Your ass is tanner than my face.

  Dante : It's not tan, kid, it's bronzed.

• Dante : Whoa, chill bro... You know you can't raise your voice like that when the lion's here.

• Barry : Hey Dante- My girlfriend and I caught you on the news the other night...

  Dante : No shit? And by "Girlfriend" do you mean that piece of rabbit fur you rub on your dick everynight?

  Barry : [laughing hysterically]  ... yes...

  [Starts to cry] 

• Dr. Shakalu : [Samantha drinks two shots]  Someone ass getting laid tonight.

  [everyone laughs, Dr. farts] 

  Alex : Doctor, we're not in the rainforest, man.

  Dr. Shakalu : [inhaling]  My beef strong!

  Dante : Your beef wrong!

• Dante : [Answering the phone stoned]  Hello?

  Jeff : Dante is Alex there?

  Dante : [hands the phone to Alex]  The phone's for you. I think it's the Devil.

• Dante : It's cool that I brought some friends from the Crazy Beaver?

  [as a parade of bikers and such file into his grandma's house] 

  Alex : I wish you would have gone a little less on the crazy and little more on the beaver.

  Dante : Relax bro, they're people just like you and me. Now hit this joint and have some fun.

• Dante : That's right monkey, play my head.

• Alex : Where is your monkey?

  Dante : He's upstairs putting his nun-chucks away.

• Dante : Looking back, the lion was a bad idea. That's why Dr. Shockla is gonna hook us up with a monkey. I'm gonna teach it taekwondo.

  Barry : Yeah, karate monkey, yeah, that's probably safer.

• Alex : Ever hear of a dog?

  Dante : Anybody can get past a dog. But NOBODY fucks with a lion.