Grandma's Boy (2006)

Allen Covert: Alex

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Quotes 

• Alex : Anyway, I was wondering if maybe I could crash here for a while.

  Dante : Whoa, I don't know, man. I got a business to run. This is like my office as well as my home. Plus, the lion comes in a couple days.

  Alex : You're getting a lion?

  Dante : Yeah.

  Alex : Why?

  Dante : To protect my shit.

  Alex : Never heard of a dog?

  Dante : Dude, you can get past a dog. Nobody fucks with a lion.

  Alex : Yeah, that's true.

• Alex : Dude, your bed is a car...

  Jeff : Yeah, but it's a fucking sweet car.

• Alex : My grandma drank all my pot.

  Jeff : That's awesome.

  Alex : What?

  Jeff : I mean, how many people can say that in a lifetime?

• J.P. : [Robot Voice to Alex walking away]  I hate your face.

  Alex : [pauses, turns around]  Did you say something?

  J.P. : [Hides behind coat] 

  Alex : You're fuckin' weird.

  J.P. : ...How did he see me?

• Alex : Don't judge me Monkey.

• Dante : That is pure fucking insanity.

  Alex : Yeah, I know. He got addicted to hookers.

  Dante : No, I'm talking about the guy who threw your bong. You should never throw a bong, kid. Ever.

• Dante : Does anyone want to try this weed? It's called the Brown Bomber.

  Alex : Why is it called that?

  Dante : Because when you smoke it you get so stoned that you shit your pants! Hahahaha!

  Jeff : Uh, I don't wanna do that.

  Barry : Yeah, I already shit my pants this month.

• [first lines] 

  Josh : [playing video game]  Fuck! Stop hitting me!

  Alex : This is like if Tyson fought an infant.

• Josh : I love them so much...

  Alex : You love who?

  Josh : The Girls at Madam Camae's Filipino Palace...

  Alex : You've been spending our rent money on Filipino hookers?

  Josh : They're not hookers, they're massage therapists.

  Mover #2 : Yeah, that'll massage your cock for money.

  Mover #1 : There is a word for that... I think it's hooker!

  Josh : You're a hooker!

  [movers throw their stuff down and stare at Josh] 

  Alex : Whoa! Wait.

  Yuri : Alex I make you special deal, I'll give you five minutes to grab all the shit you don't want thrown out, but if you take one extra minute, my friends will take your testicles and remove them, through your anus!

• Dante : Dr. Shakalu brought my some crazy Zimbabwe weed that turns you into a deer.

  Alex : You do know that lions eat deer, right?

  Dante : Thats true kid. Doctor, we gotta be careful.

• Alex : Oh, yes! Finally a roommate who goes shopping. Chicken cutlet, spaghetti with garlic bread, oh, my God, the wings to go with the breast, I don't know what you are but I'm gonna fucking eat you too.

  [looking around] 

  Alex : Of course she doesn't have a microwave she's fucking a hundred.

• Alex : [Masturbating to a Tomb Raider barbie doll]  Come on Lara. My cock is lost in the jungle and it's up to you to find it. Oh Lara you dirty dirty adventurer. Let's see what's under you skirt. Lara, no panties? You know I like that.

• J.P. : How do you two know each other?

  Samantha : I woke him up here this morning. He fell asleep working late last night.

  J.P. : Yeah. Well, that's what old people do. They fall asleep.

  Alex : Wow J.P, that is a great outfit. How much do clothes cost in The Matrix?

  J.P. : So funny I forgot to laugh. Ehehe.

• Alex : [hangs up the phone]  Dude... you have to give me a ride.

  Dante : [after smoking]  I'm way too baked to drive to the devil's house.

• Grandma Lilly : [ghostly voice]  Ohhh... I died on the floor... and *nobody* helped me!

  Alex : You have got to be fucking shitting me.

  Grandma Lilly : Ohh it's so cold... when you're dead...

  Alex : I swear to God, I would've helped you, Sophie. Please don't kill me. Please don't kill me. I would've helped you. I just wasn't here...

  Grandma Lilly : [jumps up]  Gotcha!

  Alex : Ahh! Oh my God!

  Grandma Lilly : You scaredy cat!

  Alex : What the hell are you doing, Grandma?

  Grandma Lilly : I told you we were going to have fun!

• Jeff : Dude, jerking off on my mom is one thing. But banging your grandmother and her roommates? That's like... legendary.

  Alex : You're an idiot.

• Alex : [as Alex turns around and Jeff's mom screams bloody murder]  Oh, oh my god! I'm sorry! I can't stop coming, I'm sorry! It feels so good!

• Grandma Lilly : Grace you remember my grandson Alex - our new "roommate."

  Alex : [waves] 

  Grace : How long you stayin'?

  Alex : Um, just until I find a new apartment.

  Grace : Have a girlfriend?

  Alex : No.

  Grace : How old are you now?

  Alex : I'll be 36 in October.

  Grace : My grandson's gay, too. I'll give you his number.

  Alex : I'm not gay, but, thank you?

  Grace : Denial.

• Alex : [Sees her pill collection]  That's quite a buffet you have there.

  Bea : Thank you, Mr. President.

• Alex : Hey, Timmy, any chance I can crash on your couch tonight?

  Timmy : Why? So you can jerk off on my mom?

  Alex : Jeff's a fucking liar, Timmy!

• Samantha : Alex, I need you to deal with 10 through 15 because those are the real problem levels and...

  Alex : [farts] 

  Samantha : Is he sleeping?

  Jeff : Yes, and possibly shitting his pants.

  [pats Alex] 

  Jeff : Wake up, dude.

  Alex : [wakes up]  No chores, Grandma!

  Samantha : Nice rip, Alex.

  Alex : Rip what?

• Alex : Dude, why don't you pick up your phone? I've been calling for the past half hour!

  Dante : Sorry bro, I was putting up my Christmas tree!

  Alex : Dude? It's the middle of July.

  Dante : Get the fuck outta here! It is?

  Alex : Dude? Why are you naked?

  Dante : Ooohhh shit! I am naked! Come in.

  [turns around] 

  Alex : Your ass is tanner than my face.

  Dante : It's not tan, kid, it's bronzed.

• Grandma Lilly : Oh listen, your father tells me that you need a place to stay.

  Alex : Yeah...

  Grandma Lilly : Just so you know, Sophie left us two weeks ago, so her room is available if you need it.

  Alex : Oh? Where'd Sophie move to?

  Grandma Lilly : Heaven.

• Dr. Shakalu : [Samantha drinks two shots]  Someone ass getting laid tonight.

  [everyone laughs, Dr. farts] 

  Alex : Doctor, we're not in the rainforest, man.

  Dr. Shakalu : [inhaling]  My beef strong!

  Dante : Your beef wrong!

• Alex : Hey, uh, Sophie didn't die on the bed, did she?

  Grandma Lilly : No.

  Alex : Good, good, good.

  Grandma Lilly : She fell out of bed and died right here.

  Alex : Eww!

• Alex : So, ladies, I kind of need to use the televis...

  Grace : Shh! Go read your Playgirl or something!

• Jeff : Hi I'm Jeff... I have a bush too. It's not grey.

  Alex : Hey!

  Jeff : What?

  Alex : My bush isn't really grey.

  Jeff : Well, not according to my mom.

  Alex : [under his breath]  I thought I told you to quit talking about that.

  Jeff : [frustrated]  People keep asking me about it.

• Alex : You know, I think I forgot something.

  Barry : What?

  Alex : [Alex pretends to look around for something]  This!

  [and then kicks Barry in the shin] 

  Barry : Oh my God. Are you serious? I think he fucking shattered it.

• Dante : It's cool that I brought some friends from the Crazy Beaver?

  [as a parade of bikers and such file into his grandma's house] 

  Alex : I wish you would have gone a little less on the crazy and little more on the beaver.

  Dante : Relax bro, they're people just like you and me. Now hit this joint and have some fun.

• Jeff : Come in. Hurry up.

  Alex : Are you sure this is OK?

  Jeff : Yeah, it's totally cool. Just keep your voice down - my roommates are sleeping.

  Alex : You mean your parents?

  Jeff : Yeah, same thing.

  Alex : ...Nice jammies.

  Jeff : Thanks! They're a present from my roommates.

  Alex : That's cool.

• Alex : Where is your monkey?

  Dante : He's upstairs putting his nun-chucks away.

• Alex : You remember Lara?

  Jeff : Yes I do, and she already has a cold sore. What a surprise.

• [Alex sees that his bong has become a flower vase] 

  Alex : Where did you get this vase?

  Grandma Lilly : Oh, I found it in your laundry when I was cleaning up. It smelled awful, so I cleaned it. Doesn't it look nice?

• Alex : Wow. That Grace sure makes me feel warm and welcome.

  Grandma Lilly : Well, you'd be bitter too if you had four husbands die on you.

  Alex : Probably suicides.

  [Bea looks horrified] 

  Alex : It was a joke.

• Alex : Ever hear of a dog?

  Dante : Anybody can get past a dog. But NOBODY fucks with a lion.

• Jeff : What's up, shitlips.

  Alex : Hey, I need a huge favor.

  Jeff : You're not jerking off on my dad.

  Alex : Funny. No, I was wondering if you could do some of my levels.

  Jeff : No, why can't you do them?

  Alex : It's my roommates. They won't stop watching... porn. I can't get any work done.

  Jeff : You're dead to me. Over.

  [hangs up phone] 

  Alex : Well, Jeff's a good friend.

• Alex : And to you, Doctor... clk clk cluk clak!

  Dr. Shakalu : [looks very offended] 

  Alex : Oh. Sorry.

• Grandma Lilly : Once you got to high school, you just seemed to lose focus. It was probably just puberty.

  Alex : [making joint smoking gesture behind her]  Yeah, I'm sure it was puberty.

• Samantha : Whoa, Alex, what happened?

  Alex : There was a fire, and I was, I was trying to save it from this baby, and uh...

• Jeff : Hey, Alex. Can we go back to your grandma's house? I gotta pee.

  Alex : Why don't you just go to the alley and pee?

  Jeff : I gotta pee out of my ass.

  Alex : Well I guess we could go by.

  Jeff : Emergency!

• Alex : Don't slit your wrists, Kane. I'm here.

• Jeff : What's up Douche Bigalow?

  Alex : Hey Speed Racer. What'd you do, valet your bed?

  Jeff : No, but I'll self park it in your asshole.

• Alex : Marathon? Fuck me!

• Alex : Who wants a piece of the grey bush?

• Alex : [screaming in pain after taking hot tray out of the oven with no gloves on]  Cocksucking fuck!

• Samantha : Do you always sleep here, Alex?

  Alex : No... uh... I was working late... I love work... I love life.

• J.P. : How do you two know each other?

  Samantha : I woke him up here this morning. He fell asleep working late last night.

  J.P. : Yea, well that's what old people do, they fall asleep.

  Alex : Wow, JP that is a great outfit. How much do clothes cost in the Matrix?

  J.P. : So funny I forgot to laugh.

  Jeff : Hi, I'm Jeff. I have a bush too. It's not grey.

  Alex : [punches Jeff in the arm]  Hey, my bush isn't really grey.

  Jeff : Well, not according to my mom.

  Alex : I thought I told you to quit talking about that.

  Jeff : People keep asking me about it.

  Samantha : Um, I'm really sorry to have to leave this conversation, but, I will see you guys later.

  J.P. : Get back to work, testers.

  Jeff : Hey Samantha, don't take the red pill!

• Alex : [Alex is playing Frog Bog against Timmy]  I thought you were good at this, man.

  [singing] 

  Alex : Flies. I'm a frog. I'm eating flies, a lot more than you.

  Jeff : Eat that frog dick Timmy! Eat it!

  J.P. : [to Samantha]  I'm sorry you had to see this. It's all these poor knaves have to look forward to everyday.

  [Samantha shrugs him off] 

  Jeff : Yea! Your shit's weak! Shit's weak!

  [Alex wins the game] 

  Jeff : Yea! Your shit's weak! W-izz-eak!

  Alex : You never had a chance Timmy.

  Timmy : I'll get you eventually "Grey Bush". Time is on my side.

  Alex : Hey, at least I have a bush.

  Jeff : [singing into air-microphone]  Shit's weak.

• Alex : Uh - Hey, no. No. Stop, please. This. This is my game.

  Mr. Cheezle : What are you saying Alex?