- Mike Nelson: So, finish your homework, put on your big pants and your Dr. Pepper lip gloss, and go down and see "Titanic" for the seventeenth time.
- Tom Servo: [over "The Wings of the Dove" footage of two characters kissing and breathing heavily] Y'know, if you get winded from making out, you need more exercise.
- Crow T. Robot: Let's cast off with that unsinkable blockbuster, the movie that's still afloat at theaters, breaking all box office records, yes, it's full steam ahead, you know which one I mean, "Mrs. Brown"!
- Crow T. Robot: Now let's take a look at one of the nominees for Best Picture, the delightful comedy "As Good as it Gets", which stars Jack Nicklaus as a complete jerk.
- Mike Nelson: [over "Titanic" footage of old Rose finding a comb]
- [as Rose]
- Mike Nelson: "Oh heavens, it's my Superfly 'fro pic!"
- Crow T. Robot: [as Rose] "Where the hell's the matching brush, you stinking thieves?"
- Tom Servo: [as Brock Lovett leans into view] It's a bug hunt, man!
- Crow T. Robot: [Brock asks Rose, "Are you ready to go back to Titanic?"]
- [as Brock]
- Crow T. Robot: "Or are you gonna cough up the money?"
- Tom Servo: [after footage of "Starship Troopers"] Ah-ha! So, "Starship Troopers", it's gonna win everything, it is a lock. I'd bet every cent I owned on it if I were you.