- Gadgetron Matron: [breaks wind] Whoops! Sounds like I just blew another vacuum tube!
- Ratchet: Should I take a look?
- Gadgetron Matron: You young people are so fresh nowadays!
- The Unknown Thief: I see it's time to update my security forces.
- Ratchet: Woa-hoho, no, hey, no, no, look, I just here to fix the... trans... flux-er-coil.
- The Unknown Thief: Nice try. Give my regards to Megacorp.
- Announcer: Ask yourself, are you man enough, hero enough, insane enough to step into the ring with two of the fiercest warriors in the galaxy? If you answered'yes' you're a big fat liar.
- Galactic Greetings Voice: Hello.
- Angela: Ratchet and Clank.
- Galactic Greetings Voice: You lucky devil!
- Angela: Angela Cross
- Galactic Greetings Voice: Has just sent you: a galactic greeting!
- Angela: Guys! If you get this message, please meet me on my home world. Just so you know, I've found my old ID badge. I'm pretty sure we can still use it to infiltrate Megacorp HQ, but you're gonna have to hurry before the Protopets completely overrun us! Oh, and sorry for the ballon-a-gram, it was the only thing I could get of this b...
- [is cut off]
- Galactic Greetings Voice: We hope you enjoyed your galactic greeting!
- Abercrombie Fizzwidget: Welcome!
- Ratchet: What the...?
- Abercrombie Fizzwidget: I'm Abercrombie Fizzwidget; founder of the Megacorp company in the Bogon galaxy.
- Ratchet: Bogon?
- Abercrombie Fizzwidget: I'm sorry to incapacitate you, but our entire galaxy is in a very precocious situation. I must humbly request your sustenance, on a mission of dire urgitude. A mission of superfluous peril. A mission of unequizical imperitude.
- Clank: Did that make any sense?
- Ratchet: So, you need me to go on a dangerous mission, in another galaxy.
- Abercrombie Fizzwidget: Indubitably. A few days ago this, top secret, biological experiment was stolen from our testing lavatory, by this duplitheros criminal mastermind and I need you to get the experiment back.
- Ratchet: We'll do it.
- Clank: We will?
- Abercrombie Fizzwidget: Prank I have precipitated your incalcitrance and made special improvisations for you. We're prepared to give you a job as the head accountant for Megacorp, plus a penthouse suite in lovely Megapolis, and our state of the art robotic masseuse.
- Clank: [antenna flashes] Deal.
- Abercrombie Fizzwidget: As for you Ratchet I'll need you in superfitory shape. While in transit to the Bogon galaxy, you'll undergo heavy training and conditioning including: martial arts, heavy weaponry, survival skills, stealth, macrame, ballroom dance and origami.
- Thugs-4-Less Boss: Megacorp is up to no good. I will confront them at once and demand... a bigger cut of the action.
- [first lines]
- Interviewer: Welcome back to "Behind the Hero", tonight's heroes are the duo who recently restored peace and order to our galaxy: Ratchet & Clank. So gentlemen tell us about your latest incredible adventures.
- Ratchet: Well as you can image, we've been pretty busy: After Drek's defeat there were parades, press conferences, fancy dress balls...
- Clank: ...and the wiener roast at Al's.
- Ratchet: Oh yeah that, and then things started to slow down a bit. After that we... well...
- Clank: There was the grand opening at "Groovy Lube".
- Ratchet: Right. I think that was, last week.
- Clank: Six months ago.
- Ratchet: We're still pretty busy, but in a more, uh, domestic sense.
- Clank: Yesterday I flushed out my radiator core.
- Ratchet: I guess... no one needs a hero right now.
- Dr. Fullbladder: Dr James D. Fullbladder reporting on Megacorp experiment number 13. This update is strictly classified, if you are watching this, you're fired.
- Ratchet: [about the Helix-O-Morph] What do you suppose is wrong with it?
- Angela: Oh I don't know, it could take months of research and...
- Clank: The battery is backward.
- Captain Qwark: Oops.
- Abercrombie Fizzwidget: Ha! Imbecilic to the very last.
- The Unknown Thief: [with Clank strapped into a machine] You have no idea what you're involved in. Return to your own galaxy immediately, or this will happen to you!
- [he presses a button on the machine, nothing happens]
- The Unknown Thief: ... or, this, will happen to you.
- [he presses the other button, electrocuting Clank]
- The Unknown Thief: Farewell.
- Behind the Hero Narrator: Welcome back to "Behind the Hero". In yet another setback for the embattled Captain Qwark: the galactic court ordered him to play six billion bolts in damages to citizens suffering from Personal Hygienator syndrome. Only two days later Qwark was arrested trying to flee to Pokitaru. The one time hero, now full time zero, was placed in custody awaiting trial. But the next day it was discovered that he had escaped: flushing himself to freedom. We will return to "Behind the Hero" after these messages.
- The Mathmatician: Nobody, I mean nobody gets by the Mathmatician!
- Ratchet: [whispers] I guess all the good names were taken.
- Abercrombie Fizzwidget: Good work my boy, you're proving to be invaluable in this underwear. Any who, it appears the Thief is now under the protection of "Thugs-4-Less", but I may have found a way for you to insinuate their operation.
- Ratchet: Is it... dangerous?
- Abercrombie Fizzwidget: No, no, no, er, well, ah, actually yes it is.
- First Desert Rider: Before I became a Desert Rider, I didn't fit in anywheres. I had low self-esteem, bad breath,
- [whispering]
- First Desert Rider: a thing for ladies undergarments. But these guys understand me. They really do.
- Second Desert Rider: Yeah I'm just here for the bake sales.
- [burps]
- Second Desert Rider: oh, yah-yeah I also make these cute gloves for all the guys.
- Thugs-4-Less Boss: Attention all Thugs-4-Less employees. First of all, whatever slug-brain's been eating all the choochy bars in the break room
- [increasing volume]
- Thugs-4-Less Boss: better quit stuffing his face or I'll...
- [someone turns on the lights and he looks around]
- Thugs-4-Less Boss: Hey turn those lights off!
- [they do]
- Thugs-4-Less Boss: Its bad feng-shui. Ahem. Next our space ron-days-vous point has been moved to, and, listen up knuckle heads, the Feltzin System sector 1-2-3-4-5. If you're no good with numbers find a buddy to help ya. Lastly, the company picnic is this Sunday, and don't forget to bring your own juice this time...
- [lights are turned on again]
- Thugs-4-Less Boss: Hey! I saw that Cletus! You just earned yourself a write up.
- Operator: For the fifth time I have a collect call to Thugs-4-Less from a Mr "you are gonna die". Will you accept the charges?
- Thugs-4-Less Boss: Er "You are gonna die"?
- Operator: I'll take that as a yes.
- The Unknown Thief: [appears on the vid-phone] You idiot!
- Thugs-4-Less Boss: Oh oh.
- The Unknown Thief: I'm paying top dollar for your protection, and your moron employees are off at some picnic!
- Thugs-4-Less Boss: Hey, that was a bonding exercise!
- The Unknown Thief: Enough! I'm at the pickup point now, if your men aren't here pronto; you can kiss this contract goodbye.
- [hangs up]
- Thugs-4-Less Boss: Uh, oh yeah? Well you can kiss your, uh, uh, your, your uh you know what I mean, uh dang it.
- The Unknown Thief: Thief: Hello, yes...
- [experiment attacks]
- The Unknown Thief: Hey! No, no, no, not!
- [glass bottles break]
- The Unknown Thief: Yes I need to order two more containers of sulphuric acid...
- [experiment attacks, more glass bottles break]
- The Unknown Thief: ... oops, ah, better make that five containers, and, uh, four containers of liquid Nitrog...
- [experiment attacks, more glass bottles break]
- The Unknown Thief: ... oops, ah, better write six crates of nitroglycerine and...
- [experiment attacks, more glass bottles break, screaming is heard]
- The Unknown Thief: ... Look, just give me double the last order...
- [experiment attacks, more glass bottles break, screaming is heard, experiment now has Thief's head in mouth, eye's where Thief's would be]
- The Unknown Thief: ... and I need it delivered.
- Ratchet: Hey, there's Mr. Fizzwidget!
- [Fizzwidget hums along to music playing in his ship and lands on top of Ratchet's ship, crushing it and knocking the heroes over with the shockwave]
- Ratchet: Uh, what happened?
- Abercrombie Fizzwidget: Everything's fine, there was just a bit of debris on the landing pad.
- Clank: That was our ship.
- Abercrombie Fizzwidget: Don't worry about it little fella, it's insured. So do you have the er... delivery?
- [Clank hands him the experiment]
- Abercrombie Fizzwidget: Terrifulous. Come gentlemen, there is precious little time.
- [they board the ship]
- Abercrombie Fizzwidget: Just sit back and relax boys, how 'bout a little flying music?
- [presses the ejection button for the back row]
- Ratchet: Aaaah!
- Abercrombie Fizzwidget: [sheepishly] Oops.
- Abercrombie Fizzwidget: Hello?
- Ratchet: Mr Fizzwidget! You're safe! Sir, brace yourself. We just saw a video of your experiment eating its handlers. I repeat, it eats its handlers.
- Abercrombie Fizzwidget: [to someone offscreen] Ah, yes. No fat, extra foam, no sprinkles.
- Ratchet: Mr Fizzwidget, do you copy? Anyone handling the experiment must exercise the utmost caution.
- Abercrombie Fizzwidget: No, no, decafitated.
- [to Ratchet]
- Abercrombie Fizzwidget: What? Oh, yes, yes: exercise my front-most cushion.
- Ratchet: Ugh.
- Clank: Sir, your experts recommend that the experiment be liquidated, we will meet you at your deep space disposal facility.
- Abercrombie Fizzwidget: Ah, yes: my cheap date proposal facsimile. Its heavily guarded so be sure to use the password. Which is, ah, oh, ah, Qwarktastic, yes. Toodleoo.
- The Unknown Thief: Ha! You've lost, Megacorp! Take your imperialistic eco-fascism to another dimension! Say goodbye to your franken-pest!
- Ratchet: Come on, Clank!
- The Unknown Thief: Thief: Too slow, you corporate lackey!
- Slim Cognito: Put it in the slot.
- [Ratchet looks at his eyes]
- Slim Cognito: The weapon you want modified, put it in the slot!
- Ratchet: Oh, I get it. You make weapon modifications.
- Slim Cognito: Yep, I can take your puny little weapon and with a few uh... tweaks, I can turn it into a powerful piece of equipment. Look, you want me to hook you up or what? I can't hang around here all day.