QI (2003– )

Stephen Fry: Self - Host

Photos 

Quotes 

• Stephen Fry : [quoting Albert Einstein]  Only two things are infinite - the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not so sure about the universe.

• Rob Brydon : When I was small and my dad just happened to hit his finger with a hammer for something new, he used to say, 'Hells bells and buckets of blood.'

  Stephen Fry : That's a good saying 'Hells bells and buckets of blood.' I usually just say "Fuck it!"

• Stephen Fry : [holding his clenched left fist out in front of him]  If I've got a moth ball in this hand and a moth ball in that hand,

  [bringing out his right fist] 

  Stephen Fry : What have I got?

  Alan Davies : Two moth balls?

  Stephen Fry : A rather excited moth.

  Alan Davies : Sorry, I thought you were literally asking.

• Phill Jupitus : [during a round about the sinking of the Titanic]  Is it true that someone dressed as a lady to escape detection?

  Stephen Fry : Yes, apparently it is true because it was women and children first.

  Bill Bailey : [laughs]  I thought you said "someone dressed as a *baby*"

  Phill Jupitus : [putting on posh accent]  "Yes, goo-goo indeed. I have a lollipop and I have no control over my urinary functions. I am, in fact, an infant. And I know you think I'm Lord Albermal, but I am in fact a little baby. With a beard. Yes, goo-goo, gaa-gaa. And Madam, may I tell you I've been a very naughty baby."!

• Guest : One thing I learned working on the Vagina Monologues is that the clitoris has no other function than pleasure. I liked that, nice that otherwise it was purely decorative.

  Stephen Fry : As indeed is my penis.

  Sean Lock : Hey Stephen, what are you pissing through these days?

• Stephen Fry : [after much teasing over flubbing the words, Stephen finally gets to say it properly]  They say of the Acropolis, where the Parthenon is... there are no straight lines!

• Stephen Fry : There's nothing funny about trying to make people laugh!

• Stephen Fry : Do you suppose elephants see pink human beings when they're drunk?

  Clive Anderson : Human beings are pink!

• Stephen Fry : "Shagging the Dog"? This is a phrase in Canada, is it?

  Guest : It means having a Lazy Day. Like "Shagging the Sheep".

  Stephen Fry : Might be common practise around here, but not a figure of Speech.

  Guest : You know, with a Lady, you have to woo her, take her to Dinner, but with the Dog it's just "Here, boy!"

  Phill Jupitus : Again, I must correct you there!

• Stephen Fry : If you put 5 Species of Sponge in a Blender they will separate out and reform again afterwards.

  Phill Jupitus : Like Terminator 2!

  Stephen Fry : I tried it with Chihuahuas but it didn't work.

• Stephen Fry : The Hindenburg was filled with Hydrogen, which of course is incrensely dangerous...

  Phill Jupitus : What have I told you about not reading Jabberwocky before you come on?

• Stephen Fry : Pliny thought a sure cure for a headache was to tie the genitals of a fox around your forehead.

  [Funny voice] 

  Stephen Fry : But still, it's better than propping up the evil Pharmaceutical Companies that are destroying our World...

• Stephen Fry : [klaxon]  Oh Alanywalanywalanywalan...

• Stephen Fry : There are stories of Nurses who get sent Stools by grateful patients, you must have heard this?

  Jo Brand : They're not necessarily grateful.

• Stephen Fry : 1 to 4% of our DNA is Neanderthal.

  Jack Dee : Was there ever a Homo Sapien/Neanderthal Wedding?

  Stephen Fry : Just go to Basildon any Saturday Night.

• Stephen Fry : Gooooooooooooooooooooodeveningoodeveningoodevening!

• Stephen Fry : [talking with Dr. Ben Goldacre about the DSM IV]  There we are, some Psychologists seem to have Disorder Naming Compulsion Disorder.

• Stephen Fry : Correctly Correctington!

• Stephen Fry : Howard, Howard, Howard. Howardy, Howardy, Hustard.

• Stephen Fry : Nobody quite knows why Neanderthals went extinct.

  Jack Dee : Maybe we teased them to Death! "Yes, I know I'm ugly and stupid..."

• Stephen Fry : What does the moon smell of?

  Jo Brand : Is it Buzz Aldrin's dirty underpants?

  Stephen Fry : Well..

  Jo Brand : Face it, he probably buried some up there.

  Alan Davies : I buried my underpants in the back garden once, and in the morning they'd gone!

  Julian Clary : People advertise dirty underpants in the back of magazines.

  Stephen Fry : Well, not in the Spectator they don't! Is all I can say to that.

• Stephen Fry : A Saudi Mullah once condemned Homosexuality saying that Anal Sex caused Earthquakes. Anal Sex of course does not cause Earthquakes.

  Andy Hamilton : It does if it's done right!

• Stephen Fry : How many muscles are in your fingers?

  Phill Jupitus : One, if you play your cards right!

  [Winks and Flirts] 

  Stephen Fry : [flustered]  I'm not going to look at you!

• Stephen Fry : Kneel before Zod!

• Stephen Fry : [a "Flange" of Baboons; a "Whoop" of Gorillas]  A word from a comedy sketch has migrated to the Internet and is now being used by Academics as a real word.

• David Mitchell : I love the fact we live in a Country with terrible Customer Service. You know, "This is a Terrible Train, you're tearing tickets in half, of course you look miserable!" I've got respect for that.

  Stephen Fry : Yes, I mean, why stand there with a cheesy grin on your face if your job is like that?

  David Mitchell : It's the sign of a Liar or a Moron!

• Alan Davies : Did you know, it's Quite Interesting...

  Stephen Fry : That's what we're here for!

  Alan Davies : Kiwi fruit uses up more than its own weight in jet fuel to get from New Zealand to Europe.

• Hugh Laurie : I was going to say the same thing! It's spelt with four Ds because that's his name!

  Stephen Fry : Yes, they're a sort of architectural, structural device to prevent his name from falling into the mush of Ewar Woowoo!

• Stephen Fry : There is no such thing as a fish.

• Stephen Fry : Who was the most famous person beaten at chess by a machine?

  Alan Davies : Jesus!

  Guest : "Jesus plays Chess" is the name of an Indie Band! Or it's going to be.

• Stephen Fry : You're sick puppies. I'm very ashamed of you.

• Stephen Fry : You beasts! You beasts! You unutterable beasts!

• Jimmy Carr : I can't believe you're being so blase about this. You killed a Unicorn, you Monster!

  Stephen Fry : [Narwhal Tusk]  J K Rowling gave me permission...

• Phill Jupitus : BAAAAA!

  Stephen Fry : Oh, bugger you! I don't sound like that!

• Stephen Fry : Let's find out, but later, not now.

  Guest : That is surely not the point of the Show!

  Stephen Fry : I panicked, okay?

• Stephen Fry : Nostalgia in the Army was finally cured by a Doctor's ruling that the next man suffering from it would be buried alive...

• Reginald D. Hunter : Hey, I'm Black!

  Stephen Fry : Oh, don't you try that!

• Stephen Fry : Oh, would that it were! Would that it were...