"Mord an Bord" is a German television film from 2002, so this one will soon have its 20th anniversary. Seeing how these 1.5 hours are a Hera Lind novel adaptation, I expected the worst already, but even taking this into account and taking into account that director Onneken has worked on so many bad films and taking into account that writer Hoetzel has also worked on so many bad films and taking into account that writer Siefert is in fact a composer, I never ould have expected how bad this actually turned out. It is literally unwatchable from beginning to end and makes no sense at all. Also, let me tell you my fellow German film lovers that films of this quality are only produced because you are forced to pay money every single month (a double-digit amount) to ARD. Stand up for your rights. Not gonna go any further into detail about that, but instead let me tell you why this film is such an abomination. The key reason in addition to the horrible script is lead actress Barbara Wussow channeling her inner 18-year-old for this performance. She had probably over a 100 (yep more than one per minute) moments and scenes and line deliveries that she totally messed up, so it is absolutely impossible for me to mention them all and I will just go with one example that stayed particularly in the mind for me, namely when her boyfriend tells her that a female friend has fallen in love and she reacts in a way that showed us how she is happy for said female friend. Of course, we knew what was coming, but this was not even the point. Wussow went so over the top with her "acting" with literally every single comment her character made about anything that it was impossible to watch. This movie is an abomination from beginning to end. Also really funny those moments when we see her act in a way that indicates that the character is actually smart, for example when she talks to Jürgens' character on the ship about the other woman from the casting who has the same name. Or when her boyfriend tells her that she is too good and talented for this job anyway. Unreal stuff. So yeah, Stefan Jürgens is also in this movie and he is not a bad actor in my opinion, already loved him on "RTL Samstag Nacht" back in the day, but I can only wonder why oh why did he agree to appear in this movie. He must have read the novel/script and seen that it is all truly crappy. At least, you can see from his line delivery that (in contrast to Wussow) he realized where this was going and his line delivery was not always entirely serious. Hardly an excuse though. He also has one of the worst lines of the entire movie when he comments on fruit. The rest of the cast I am not familiar with, so I cannot say anything about them. However, Hera Lind herself had a cameo in this film, so I assume she approves of this movie and that makes me question her sanity entirely. No writer with an ounce of self-respect in their bones would accept their writing to be turned into an abomination like this. Unless the base material is already an abomination as well and even if I have not read the book, I have a feeling that this is most likely the case here. I honestly don't know what's worse: the fact that this movie was even made and not immediately destroyed after production ended or the fact that they are still showing this on national television almost two decades later.
Now I will just randomly mention scenes, moments and developments that were truly an insult to everybody in the audience. To me it felt as if they weren't even trying. The best example is how she had a boyfriend at home and still, as if it was nothing, ended up having sex with the musical director from the ship. And despite this, we are supposed to find Wussow's character likable, cheer for her to find happiness etc. How can they get this straight. Oh right, let's just randomly and completely without a connection have the boyfriend arrive the next day and tell the protagonist that he is in love with a friend, so it's fair they cheated on each other and they are equal again right? Holy moly. I can't believe what I just say. I mean Degeto has hit rock bottom many times, but they have never been as low as they were with this movie. Literally crashing into the same iceberg over and over again if we use a saying linked to the film's location. It made no sense from the beginning. I mean okay it is not impossible to happen that one character is mistaken for another, also in real life, but the moment she started singing on the ship, in the case of the unlikely event that nobody would have found out until then, it should be 100% obvious to everybody that she is not the one they wanted. The realistic consequence would have been to send her home the next time they approach land and maybe pay her the flight, then hire the real singer. Instead, Wussow's character gets unrealistically better and better thanks to her training with Jürgens' character and this culminates in the two singing together eventually (normally he is just the piano guy) and she did not even know he would join her and still it works so perfectly because they are so much in harmony with each other. I really want to vomit. Needless to say that before that we have said musical director attack the protagonist and lock her inside a sunbed. Haha unreal stuff. How lucky that we see the tiny barbell roll there and now somebody is coming to her rescue. And then seconds later pushes her out to the stage to perform as if nothing happened. How charming. Really I may write a lot here, but I am at a loss for words about what the filmmakers were thinking. Had actually more people seen this film, it would be a definite contender for the imdb bottom 250 and for being one of the worst German movies of all time. Okay, what else can I say? Oh yeah, of course all the men want Wussow's character here. She has a boyfriend, she is hunted by the older guy into the Mexican arena, the music director, Jürgens' character and also at least one man she hits on because she is blackmailed by another passenger who filmed her in a dubious moment. Of course, this other passenger is a guy who has nothing better to do than use women to trick other men and get money out of them, so he won#t tell their wives. Oh my, it was all so messy and absurd. I can't believe this was actually made. Oh well, one guy who is not after her (at leats not in a romantic sense) is a passenger who wanted to see the real singer, the one that actually got the job, and there you can say as well that the moment he screamed in the audience that there has been a mix-up, everybody would have understood. But nope. Instead he falls down the stairs and his story is discontinued. The writing here was also so poor that you never knew what was going on with the murder mentioned in the film's title, what happened exactly and if something happened at all. Ridiculous stuff. Finally, this film is also extremely anti-male as literally every male character in this film is depicted as scum for one reason or the other, but hey the lovable cheating lady at the center of the story is the one who we all look up to. And still she is so normal. As for these anti-male scenes, they are not even trying to hide it. Take the moments in which the musical director makes these sexist joke about women not soming when they are supposed to or take the gang of passenger who scream that Wussow's character should take off her clothes or just take the other employee who makes a really brief comment about men early on in the movie when they are on the ship already. I just don't know what to say anymore. I have seen many many bad films in the last year, but I am pretty sure this one tops (i.e. flops) them all. Effortlessly. The rating is accurate or actually way too high. If I could, I would not give it one star out of five, but zero. It is fully deserving of nothing and I have no words for the fact that Wussow, almost 60 now, is still getting cast. There is no screen writer on this planet that could write a role where she succeeds, especially lead role. The other way around, there is no actress who could have turned this movie (and screenplay especially) into a quality outcome. For your own good, stay far, far, far away from this film the two or three times it is still shown on German television each year.
Now I will just randomly mention scenes, moments and developments that were truly an insult to everybody in the audience. To me it felt as if they weren't even trying. The best example is how she had a boyfriend at home and still, as if it was nothing, ended up having sex with the musical director from the ship. And despite this, we are supposed to find Wussow's character likable, cheer for her to find happiness etc. How can they get this straight. Oh right, let's just randomly and completely without a connection have the boyfriend arrive the next day and tell the protagonist that he is in love with a friend, so it's fair they cheated on each other and they are equal again right? Holy moly. I can't believe what I just say. I mean Degeto has hit rock bottom many times, but they have never been as low as they were with this movie. Literally crashing into the same iceberg over and over again if we use a saying linked to the film's location. It made no sense from the beginning. I mean okay it is not impossible to happen that one character is mistaken for another, also in real life, but the moment she started singing on the ship, in the case of the unlikely event that nobody would have found out until then, it should be 100% obvious to everybody that she is not the one they wanted. The realistic consequence would have been to send her home the next time they approach land and maybe pay her the flight, then hire the real singer. Instead, Wussow's character gets unrealistically better and better thanks to her training with Jürgens' character and this culminates in the two singing together eventually (normally he is just the piano guy) and she did not even know he would join her and still it works so perfectly because they are so much in harmony with each other. I really want to vomit. Needless to say that before that we have said musical director attack the protagonist and lock her inside a sunbed. Haha unreal stuff. How lucky that we see the tiny barbell roll there and now somebody is coming to her rescue. And then seconds later pushes her out to the stage to perform as if nothing happened. How charming. Really I may write a lot here, but I am at a loss for words about what the filmmakers were thinking. Had actually more people seen this film, it would be a definite contender for the imdb bottom 250 and for being one of the worst German movies of all time. Okay, what else can I say? Oh yeah, of course all the men want Wussow's character here. She has a boyfriend, she is hunted by the older guy into the Mexican arena, the music director, Jürgens' character and also at least one man she hits on because she is blackmailed by another passenger who filmed her in a dubious moment. Of course, this other passenger is a guy who has nothing better to do than use women to trick other men and get money out of them, so he won#t tell their wives. Oh my, it was all so messy and absurd. I can't believe this was actually made. Oh well, one guy who is not after her (at leats not in a romantic sense) is a passenger who wanted to see the real singer, the one that actually got the job, and there you can say as well that the moment he screamed in the audience that there has been a mix-up, everybody would have understood. But nope. Instead he falls down the stairs and his story is discontinued. The writing here was also so poor that you never knew what was going on with the murder mentioned in the film's title, what happened exactly and if something happened at all. Ridiculous stuff. Finally, this film is also extremely anti-male as literally every male character in this film is depicted as scum for one reason or the other, but hey the lovable cheating lady at the center of the story is the one who we all look up to. And still she is so normal. As for these anti-male scenes, they are not even trying to hide it. Take the moments in which the musical director makes these sexist joke about women not soming when they are supposed to or take the gang of passenger who scream that Wussow's character should take off her clothes or just take the other employee who makes a really brief comment about men early on in the movie when they are on the ship already. I just don't know what to say anymore. I have seen many many bad films in the last year, but I am pretty sure this one tops (i.e. flops) them all. Effortlessly. The rating is accurate or actually way too high. If I could, I would not give it one star out of five, but zero. It is fully deserving of nothing and I have no words for the fact that Wussow, almost 60 now, is still getting cast. There is no screen writer on this planet that could write a role where she succeeds, especially lead role. The other way around, there is no actress who could have turned this movie (and screenplay especially) into a quality outcome. For your own good, stay far, far, far away from this film the two or three times it is still shown on German television each year.
