Arrested Development (2003–2019)
Portia de Rossi: Lindsay Bluth Fünke
Photos
Quotes
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Lindsay Funke : Oh! Because you're too afraid to ask Sally Sitwell to go with you.
Michael Bluth : That's not true. That's not true at all.
Lindsay Funke : [Begins her chicken dance] Chaw-chee-chaw-chee!
Michael Bluth : What is that? Is that a chicken?
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth : What's this?
Lindsay Funke : Michael is scared to ask out Sally.
Michael Bluth : No, I'm not.
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth : This is priceless.
[Starts chicken dancing with Lindsay]
George Oscar 'Gob' Bluth : Caw-ca-caw-ca-ca-caw!
Michael Bluth : Oh, come on. Those aren't even birds!
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Lindsay Funke : Did you enjoy your meal, Mom? You drank it fast enough.
Lucille : Not as much as you enjoyed yours. You want the belt to buckle, not your chair.
[server sets a dessert of Bananas Foster on fire]
Lucille : You might want to let that fire go out before you stick your face in it.
Lindsay Funke : That's funny, 'cause I was gonna say "You might wanna lean away from that fire since you're soaked in alcohol."
Lucille : Mine was better.
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Lindsay : Michael, if this is a lecture on how we're all supposed to whatever and blah-blah-blah, well, you can save it, because we all know it by heart.
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George Sr. : I'm paying thousands of dollars in Krugerrands.
Lindsay Funke : What?
George Sr. : Gold Krugerrands. Your mother snuck them in here, stuffed them in energy bar wrappers to keep me from getting strangled in the shower or worse.
Lindsay Funke : Stabbed?
George Sr. : In a way. I use them to pay off the other guys to stop them from hollering obscenities at my... my little girl. But you keep coming back here, honey, and I'm going broke.
Lindsay Funke : [Touched] That's all I've ever wanted from you, Daddy- for you to spend money on me.
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[the Bluths have hired Andy Griffith to sit in on George Sr's hearing]
Lindsay Funke : Bad news. Andy Griffith turned us down. He didn't like his trailer.
[the camera pans over to reveal the log cabin truck]
Lindsay Funke : He thought we were making fun of him.
Narrator : They were not making fun of Andy Griffith. This cannot be stressed enough.
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Maebe : All Pop-Pop ever wanted was to see you with another man besides Daddy.
Lindsay Funke : You're right. I'll just throw on a skirt, take off my underwear and make your Pop-Pop proud.
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Michael : I think George Michael is hiding Ann in the attic.
Lindsay Funke : From the Nazis?
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Lindsey : Nana's fine, she's been dead for six months.
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Narrator : While on the set of Wrench, Tobias had snuck into the costume closet and disguised himself as an English nanny in an attempt to see his daughter and prove to his wife he had what it took to become a successful actor. It was the exact same plot as Mrs. Doubtfire...
Tobias Fünke : [after Lindsay answers the door] Why, hellooo. My name is Mrs. Phlyddia Featherbottom, the agency sent me over.
Lindsay Funke : Uh... I didn't contact any agency.
Tobias Fünke : But I can cook and clean and even take care of the little ones. In fact, if it comes in handy... I can sing a song or two...
Narrator : And maybe a little Mary Poppins to throw in the mix...
Tobias Fünke : A squirt of frosting down the throat helps to take your medication / In the most delicious way...
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Tobias Fünke : [while rehearsing his "frightened inmate #2" character] Say something that will terrify me.
Lindsay Funke : Fuck me.
Tobias Fünke : No, that didn't do it.
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Lindsay Funke : Oh, are we still talking about the tapes? I was talking about my marriage. As you know, Bob Loblaw and I have had a secret little thing going.
Michael : Real secret. In fact, he doesn't even know about it.
Lindsay Funke : Last night, he finally responded to one of my subtle hints.
Lindsay Funke : [flashback] Why wont you fuck me?
Bob Loblaw : I'll be honest. You're a nice girl but you dress like a common whore. And besides, I just can't go out with a client.
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Lindsay Funke : I hate to say it, but Michael might be right. You need to learn a little discipline.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke : Hmm. Nope. That doesn't feel right.
Lindsay Funke : No, no, no. I am telling you. You are now punished. I punish thee.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke : Are you serious? What could you possibly come up with that would punish me?
Lindsay Funke : Oh, I have to come up with another thing?
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George Michael Bluth : [George Michael is in love with his ethics teacher] I don't want to let down Miss Baerly. She's nice, you know?
Lindsay Funke : She's interesting... and pretty?
George Michael Bluth : Well, I don't know why I'm telling you this. I guess there's just some things you can't always say to your dad.
Lindsay Funke : Ah. sounds like you'd like her to be more than just your teacher.
Narrator : Lindsay believed that George Michael wanted to fix up his father so he could fill the role of his mother.
Lindsay Funke : There's nothing wrong with that. Although... I must say I'm a little hurt that you haven't considered me.
George Michael Bluth : You're my aunt.
Lindsay Funke : That doesn't matter. Aunts can fill that role. Teachers can fill that role. And, someday, you're going to find the right woman to fill that role. But until then... I'll be right across the hall.
Narrator : Lindsay had never been more proud of anything she had said in her entire life.
George Michael Bluth : Yikes.
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Michael Bluth : Did that oven vent hit you? Your foot is bleeding.
Lindsay Funke : [obviously under the influence] Oh, my God. My foot is bleeding.
Narrator : Teamocil may cause numbness of the extremities.
Michael Bluth : Don't forget. We're going to need you for the softball team tomorrow.
Lindsay Funke : Of course. Why do you think I'm taking Teamocil?
Michael Bluth : To curb your sex drive.
Lindsay Funke : Oh, yeah. What team are you talking about?
Narrator : It may also cause short-term memory loss.
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Lindsay Funke : [Trying to set Michael up with Ms Barely] Well, I think she's perfect for you.
Michael : For me? Really? Thanks, but no, Lindsay. I've already been set up once today by a sibling, and I don't think you people know my type.
Lindsay Funke : Hey, look, it's not coming from me. It's George Michael. He told me. I think he wants a mother.
Michael : Well, that's ridiculous. He's got you. He's got our mother. You'd think that would turn him off the entire concept.
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Lindsay Funke : Hey, I could've sworn I just saw Dad... Or not. I think hallucinations are a side effect of Teamocil.
Narrator : They aren't.
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Tobias Fünke : Good news, everyone. I bought the Queen Mary.
Gob : Really? I was just thinking of getting a yacht.
Tobias Fünke : Well, I was dancing with the owner and he was looking to sell... Also, he really, really did look like a woman... But can you believe it? The only reason he's selling it is because, supposedly, it's in a bad neighborhood?
Lindsay Funke : You idiot. I was going to use the stock money to get us into the country club.
Michael Bluth : What?
Lindsay Funke : ...It's in such a nice neighborhood.
Michael Bluth : I don't believe this. Didn't any of you read that memo?
Narrator : None of them had read past the word "unfrozen."
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Lindsay Funke : I'm saying every time something starts to go well for you, you blow it.
Tobias Fünke : Nothing has ever gone well for me, and you know that.
Lindsay Funke : That's my point, you...
[sees Mabey]
Lindsay Funke : ... handsome cowboy, you.
Tobias Fünke : Oh, great. And now you're mocking me. You selfish coun-
[Notices Mabey]
Tobias Fünke : ... try music loving lady. Hello, Maeby.
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Michael : [At Police Station, on phone to Lucille] They're keeping me over night while I wait for my arraignment. I'd appreciate it if you could tell my son that I'm on a business trip.
Lucille : Why can't the girl at work do it?
Michael : Tobias? I sent him on a date with Kitty to keep her off our backs.
Lucille : Well, you better hope Lindsay doesn't find out. She'll be devastated.
Lindsay Funke : [Enters room] Find out what?
Lucille : Your husband's dating Kitty, the whore.
Lindsay Funke : He is? That's horrible.
[Exits]
Lucille : [to Michael] Do I know my daughter?
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Dave Attell : Wow, the service sent you over quick.
Lindsay Funke : Oh I'm sorry.
[Dave Attell quickly removes the cutoffs]
Lindsay Funke : You dont cry when you take those off?
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Lindsay Funke : I think George Michael needs a mother.
Michael : Well, he's got you, he's got mom, you think that would turn him off the concept entirely.
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[after Lucille gives Maeby a jeweled elephant brooch that Lindsay was supposed to inherit]
Lindsay Funke : That was supposed to be for me. She was my au pair. I'm the one who cleared my throat and pointed to the laundry room. Ma. You know I wanted that.
Lucille Bluth : I know. But it's an elephant and I didn't want to invite the comparison.
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Lindsay Funke : I'm tired of trying to find happiness through lies and self-medicating. If you need me, I'll be at the bar.
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Lindsay Funke : Barry, did you talk to a doctor?
Barry Zuckerkorn : I did. I have poison oak. Do you believe it? How the hell did I get that?
[Cut to a shot of a rest area]
Lucille Bluth : She was talking about George.
Barry Zuckerkorn : Oh, he's the same. Look, I guess we should decide on who's going to speak for the family. I would, but I have Laker tickets.
[Cut to a shot of the rest area]
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Lindsay : What was all that about?
Michael Bluth : I think Buster's planning to flee to Mexico.
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Lindsay Funke : [after having met popular actor Moses Taylor, who plays detective Frank Wrench] I'm going to go see if I cant get a wrench to strip my nuts.
[pause, everyone stares]
Lindsay Funke : I thought it sounded sexy.
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Michael : Gob, I'm going to need you to sneak Mom out of rehab.
Gob : Gee, I didn't think the woman I'd be checking out at Spring Break would be Mom.
Buster : She's better than the whores you date.
Gob : Don't call my escorts whores.
Buster : Mom's still got it.
Gob : I don't date whores.
Lindsay Funke : Stop it, both of you. This objectification of women has got to stop.
Michael : It's just Mom and whores.
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Lindsay Funke : [to Michael] GOB doesnt do anything for the family.
Gob : Hey, I'm fucking Lucille 2.
Lindsay Funke : Or I could do something like that.
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Lindsay Funke : You'll never be able to pull this off, Michael. You're the good guy. This isnt you.
Michael : It's me now, Lindsay. It's the me that can recline.
[he leans back and hits his head on the railing]
Lindsay Funke : Did that hurt?
Michael : No.
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Michael : I thought I got rid of GOB, but Dad puts him right back in the business.
Lindsay Funke : You two have always fought. In fact, I think I have a video of that.
Michael : You and half of Orange County.
Narrator : As children, George Sr. would often provoke the boys to fight each other. He thought it would equip them for the challenges of life. He also believed that footage of the boys fighting would be a big hit in the burgeoning home-video market. He soon franchised the concept with such titles as "Boyfights 2", "A Boyfights Cookout", and "Backseat Boyfights: The Trip To Uncle Jack's 70".
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Lindsay Funke : [discussing Michael's dislike of George Michael's girlfriend] You know, maybe if you stopped judging her, he'd trust you. Look, if you say no, you're just going to drive him right to her.
George Michael Bluth : Hey, Dad, can you drive me to Ann's?
Michael : Nnnn... Y-Y-Y-Y-Yes.
George Michael Bluth : Great. I'll wait in the car.
Michael : I don't think that worked.
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Lindsay Funke : Dr. Funke's 100% Natural Good Time Family Band solution was a nightmare.
Michael : Tobias said it was some of the most fun your family has ever had.
Lindsay Funke : Yeah, well, I was whacked on Xanotab.
Michael : Well I thought Xanotab was supposed to make everything better.
Lindsay Funke : For fifteen minutes. Then it burns when you pee and your marriage goes to hell. It's not a good supplement. Besides, Maebe wont do it.
Mae 'Maebe' Funke : Let's do it. I want to reunite the band. That was some of the best times we've ever had.
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[Lindsay commenting on her stance against circumcision]
Lindsay Funke : I think it's frightening when it's cut off. It's like a Doberman - let it have its ears.
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[after being declined entrance in to a high end restaurant]
Lindsay Funke : Let's just go, I've suddenly lost my appetite.
Lucille Bluth : Oh, who's gonna believe that?
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Lindsay Funke : [reading from Jessie's smear article] "Lindsay's a combative, entitled princess"? I should hire someone to kick your ass for that.
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Michael : Where did you get that outfit?
Lindsay Funke : Mom gave it to me. I guess she wanted me to have something new. Sweet old thing.
Michael : Only two of those words describe mom, so I know you're lying to me.
Lindsay Funke : Okay fine. I bought it before we went broke. I just haven't worn it until now.
Michael : Uh huh. And the outfit yesterday?
Lindsay Funke : Old Thing gave it to me.
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Michael Bluth : You can call me anything you want...
Lindsay Funke : An impotent man-boy?
