Five Children and It (2004)

Zoë Wanamaker: Martha

Quotes 

• Cyril : Good evening, Madam. We're looking for our Uncle Albert. We are...

  Martha : Five children? Oh, my goodness! But you're not due till Friday!

  Cyril : Today is Friday.

  Martha : It is? But I have a goose in the oven. Goose is Thursdays. Oh, never mind. Come in. Come in. Come on, come on. Tuesday's duck, Wednesday's duck, Thursday's goose. Now put your cases down. It's duck, duck, goose! We must have had Wednesday on Tuesday and Monday on Sunday.

  [sighs] 

  Martha : Well, it's just one day, I suppose. Last year we lost October. It's not an easy thing to do, you know, lose a whole month. I'll get you some towels, and tell your Uncle you've arrived.

• Martha : These are the children I was telling you about. Your nephews and nieces.

  Uncle Albert : Impossible. They're not due 'till Friday. Isn't that right, Horace

  Horace : Yes, Father. Not due 'till Friday.

  Robert : Today is Friday.

  Uncle Albert : Can't be.

  [sniffs] 

  Uncle Albert : Smell that. That's Thursday.

• Martha : You poor things. You must be so exhausted.

• Martha : In the morning, I'll give you a tour of the grounds. You're allowed everywhere except the greenhouse. That's strictly off limits.

  Jane : Why would a greenhouse be off limits?

  Anthea : Maybe the plants are deadly, like in "The Black Rose Of Devil's Island".

  Jane : Maybe.

  Martha : The greenhouse is off limits because I said it is. So just stay out of it, and everything will be fine. Here we go.

  [hums] 

• Uncle Albert : Ah, children. I expect you could do with a spot of lunch.

  Martha : Come on. Sit down, sit down, sit down.

  Uncle Albert : But before that, second Saturday of the month. You all know what that means. Second Saturday. Statutes, laws, edicts, regulations... rules. Exciting times children. Time to grasp the Goblet of Goodness.

• Martha : What a to-do today turned out to be.

  Jane : Oh... It wasn't us. Honestly, it was the sand fairy...

  Cyril : Jane!

  Martha : Sand fairy, huh?

  Jane : Err... No!

  Cyril : No. She didn't say "sand fairy", she said... She said...

  Anthea : Safari.

  Cyril : Safari. Yes.

  Anthea : We were pretending to be on safari, and Cyril is an elephant.

  Martha : A safari, of course. Well, now, if we all do as I do... we can undo all this to-do before tomorrow. Come along, you lot.

• Uncle Albert : Oh, pendulous expression, furrowed brow. Bad news?

  Martha : This letter from your publisher.

  Uncle Albert : Yes, yes. Immaterial. Impact inconsequential.

  Martha : They say they want to make big changes to your book.

  Uncle Albert : They do?

  Martha : Yes. It seems "Difficult Sums For Children" isn't catchy enough.

  Uncle Albert : Catchy?

  Martha : They're suggesting a new title. "Counting The Fun With Charlie Chicken". They're replacing you with a chicken.

  Uncle Albert : Ridiculous.

  Martha : Of course it is. We must write back and tell them immediately.

  Uncle Albert : Just give me the name of the chicken and the address of his coop.

  Martha : No, no, no. Your publishers. You can't have a counting chicken in your book.

  Uncle Albert : Of course. No fingers. Can't count without fingers. No use. Oh, I suppose he could use wings. No, that's silly. He'd only get to two. Unless, err... Noah managed two by two. Gosh, that flood must have been a terrible set back.

  [sniffs] 

  Uncle Albert : Ahh... Hmm-hmm. Smells like rain. Great change is afoot.

  Martha : You can sign this one?

• Peasemarsh : Yeah, yeah, you and your gold. Nice lot you are. Tempting honest car dealers with your stolen gold.

  Martha : That's quite enough. These children are with me.

  Peasemarsh : Oh, an accomplice, I'll wager. Well I don't think they're gonna wriggle out of this one. Allow me.