Five Children and It (2004)

Kenneth Branagh: Uncle Albert

Quotes 

• Cyril : Uncle, It's me, Cyril. You came to my eighth birthday party. You gave me a subscription to Algebra Monthly.

  Uncle Albert : Cyril? Cyril! No, Cyril was a much smaller boy.

  Cyril : But that was five years ago.

  Uncle Albert : Was it? Well, err... I should think he'd be about your age by now.

  [laughs] 

  Uncle Albert : I wonder what he's doing.

  Robert : I can eat a whole goose by myself.

  Uncle Albert : Well, if it is Friday as you assert, then goose was yesterday so you'll have to wait till err... next Thursday.

  Robert : But there is a goose in the oven, and today is Friday!

  Uncle Albert : Ah, well, Martha. Looks like Thursday's gone missing with last October.

• Uncle Albert : Rule Three: Laundry three times a week. Very important, you know. The British Empire was built on clean pants. Clean pants and...

  Horace : Mint sauce?

  Uncle Albert : Don't be ridiculous, Horace. Rule four: Never, ever go into... the greenhouse.

  Robert : The greenhouse.

• Uncle Albert : He went mad, you know. Completely bonkers. Lost his marbles. Fell out of his tree. Oak, I think.

• Martha : These are the children I was telling you about. Your nephews and nieces.

  Uncle Albert : Impossible. They're not due 'till Friday. Isn't that right, Horace

  Horace : Yes, Father. Not due 'till Friday.

  Robert : Today is Friday.

  Uncle Albert : Can't be.

  [sniffs] 

  Uncle Albert : Smell that. That's Thursday.

• Uncle Albert : Ah, children. I expect you could do with a spot of lunch.

  Martha : Come on. Sit down, sit down, sit down.

  Uncle Albert : But before that, second Saturday of the month. You all know what that means. Second Saturday. Statutes, laws, edicts, regulations... rules. Exciting times children. Time to grasp the Goblet of Goodness.

• Cyril : Three million, four hundred and sixty five thousand, two hundred and twenty two.

  Uncle Albert : Say that again.

  Cyril : Three million, four hundred and sixty five thousand, two hundred and twenty two.

  Uncle Albert : A prime number of the Zeeman series. Toppety-notchety work, Squirrel - Cyril. It's my favorite series, although the Flugelstadt Succession runs it a close second. I'll show you Dr. Flugelstadt's book. He went mad, you know, completely bonkers. Lost his marbles. Fell out of his tree. Oak, I think.

• Uncle Albert : Oh, pendulous expression, furrowed brow. Bad news?

  Martha : This letter from your publisher.

  Uncle Albert : Yes, yes. Immaterial. Impact inconsequential.

  Martha : They say they want to make big changes to your book.

  Uncle Albert : They do?

  Martha : Yes. It seems "Difficult Sums For Children" isn't catchy enough.

  Uncle Albert : Catchy?

  Martha : They're suggesting a new title. "Counting The Fun With Charlie Chicken". They're replacing you with a chicken.

  Uncle Albert : Ridiculous.

  Martha : Of course it is. We must write back and tell them immediately.

  Uncle Albert : Just give me the name of the chicken and the address of his coop.

  Martha : No, no, no. Your publishers. You can't have a counting chicken in your book.

  Uncle Albert : Of course. No fingers. Can't count without fingers. No use. Oh, I suppose he could use wings. No, that's silly. He'd only get to two. Unless, err... Noah managed two by two. Gosh, that flood must have been a terrible set back.

  [sniffs] 

  Uncle Albert : Ahh... Hmm-hmm. Smells like rain. Great change is afoot.

  Martha : You can sign this one?

• Uncle Albert : [to Horace]  Horace... Horace, you're becoming eccentric.