Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005)

Brad Pitt: John Smith

Photos 

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Quotes 

• John Smith : [while driving, pursued by hit men in three black BMW'S]  I never told you, but I was married once before.

  Jane Smith : [slams on the brakes] 

  John Smith : What's wrong with you?

  Jane Smith : [slapping John's arms and legs]  You're what's wrong with me John.

  John Smith : It was just a drunken Vegas thing.

  Jane Smith : Oh, that's better. That's *much* better.

  [pause] 

  Jane Smith : What's her name and social security number?

  John Smith : No, you're not gonna kill her.

• [about the new curtains Jane bought] 

  Jane Smith : If you don't like them we can take them back.

  John Smith : All right, I don't like them.

  Jane Smith : [pause]  You'll get used to them.

• John Smith : [after he throws a butcher's knife at her and misses]  Your aim's as bad as your cooking sweetheart... and that's saying something!

• Jane Smith : Any last words?

  John Smith : The new curtains are hideous.

• [last lines] 

  John Smith : [at marriage counseling]  Ask us the sex question.

  Jane Smith : [whispers]  John.

  John Smith : [excitingly, stretches out all ten fingers]  Ten.

• John Smith : [takes her hand and starts walking towards the dance floor in a fancy restaurant]  Dance with me.

  Jane Smith : You don't dance.

  John Smith : It was just my cover, sweetheart.

  Jane Smith : Was sloth your cover, too?

• Jane Smith : [after John hands her a small revolver]  Wait, why do I get the girl gun?

  John Smith : Are you kidding me?

• Eddie : You gotta take this bitch out!

  John Smith : [while taking burned pieces of papers out of a portable furnace to look for clues]  Don't tell me how to handle my wife.

• Jane Smith : [driving a stolen minivan]  My parents died when I was five. I'm an orphan.

  John Smith : Who was that kind fellow who gave you away at our wedding?

  Jane Smith : Paid actor.

  John Smith : I said, I said I saw your dad on "Fantasy Island"!

• John Smith : [after throwing her across the dining room table and onto the floor, standing up behind her, welcoming her by gesturing with his fingers]  Come to Daddy.

  Jane Smith : [she stands up bashes him with a teapot wrapped in a white cloth and headbutts him]  Who's your Daddy now?

• John Smith : We have an unusual problem here, Jane. You obviously want me dead, and I'm less and less concerned for your well-being.

• [John has just returned from shooting Lucky at the bar] 

  Jane Smith : Hey baby. I didn't hear you downstairs.

  John Smith : I went down to the sports bar. Put a little money on the game.

  Jane Smith : How'd you do?

  John Smith : I got "Lucky".

• John Smith : How many? Ok... I'll go first, then. I don't keep exact count, but I'd say, uh, high 50s, low 60s. I mean, I know I've been around the block an all, but...

  Jane Smith : 312.

  John Smith : What? How?

  Jane Smith : Some were two at a time.

• John Smith : I can't believe I brought my real parents to our wedding.

• Jane Smith : [lying down in the hallway of their home]  That vacation in Aspen, you left early, why?

  John Smith : Jean-Luc Gespar.

  Jane Smith : Damn, I wanted him.

  John Smith : I got it.

• John Smith : [after Jane accidentally throws a knife that punctures his leg]  We'll talk about this later.

• John Smith : [just before running over an assassin with the minivan]  These fuckers get younger every year.

• Jane Smith : [referring to the hit men in three black BMW'S pursuing them]  They're bulletproof!

  John Smith : [having not heard the hit men in three black BMW'S pursuing them and shot three times at the three black BMW'S chasing them]  They're bulletproof!

• John Smith : [angry that Benjamin, tied to a chair, had blown their cover]  You burn the picture after you get the assignment! It's the first thing you learn!

  Benjamin : [sarcastically]  Oh, I must have missed that day. Just like you missed the one about not marrying the enemy.

• John Smith : [after having accidentally shot at his wife, Mr. Smith is on the roof of her car while she's trying to throw him off]  Come on, let's talk about this! You don't want to go to bed angry!

• John Smith : Careful, Jane. I can push the button any time I like.

  Jane Smith : Baby, you couldn't find the button with both hands and a map.

• Jane Smith : [over a speakerphone]  I thought I told you not to bother me at the office, honey.

  John Smith : [over the Bluetooth headset phone]  Well, you are still Mrs. Smith.

  Jane Smith : [over a speakerphone]  Well, so are a lot of girls.

• John Smith : [to Benjamin Danz]  Option A: You talk, we listen, no pain. Option B: You don't talk, I remove your thumbs with my pliers, it will hurt. Option C: I like to vary the details a bit but the punchline is... you die.

• John Smith : [after Jane escapes on a high wire, stand the ledge of the ledge of the floor in her building]  Chicken shit!

  Jane Smith : [shouting from a broken window]  Pussy!

• John Smith : [over the Bluetooth headset phone, trying to beat Jane home]  I guess that's what happens in the end, you start thinking about the beginning.

• John Smith : [over the Bluetooth headset phone, trying to beat Jane home]  That's the second time you've tried to kill me today.

  Jane Smith : [over her speakerphone, trying to beat John home]  Oh, come on, it was just a little bomb.

• John Smith : Hiya, stranger.

  Jane Smith : Hiya back.

• Eddie : Did you get a look at him?

  John Smith : Little thing. Buck ten, buck fifteen tops.

  Eddie : Maybe he was Filipino!

  John Smith : I'm not even sure it was a him.

  Eddie : You saying you had your ass handed to you by some girl?

  John Smith : I think so. A pro.

• John Smith : I never went to MIT. Notre Dame. Art history major.

  Jane Smith : Art?

  John Smith : History! It's reputable.

• [both have discovered that they were on the desert and one tried to kill the other] 

  John Smith : I missed you.

  Jane Smith : I missed you too.

• Jane Smith : [over a speakerphone]  you really expect me to roll over and play dead?

  John Smith : [over the Bluetooth headset phone]  Well, you should be used to it after five years of marriage.

  Jane Smith : Six... and I'm not leaving.

• John Smith : [while dancing, after Jane asked what had happened to their marriage]  I have a theory, newly developed.

  Jane Smith : I'm breathless to hear it.

  John Smith : I think you killed us.

  Jane Smith : Provocative.

  John Smith : Why do you care? I was just a cover

  Jane Smith : Who says you were just a cover?

  John Smith : [pauses]  Wasn't I?

• John Smith : I realise you witnessed the Mrs. and I working through a few domestic issues. That's regrettable but don't take that to be a sign of weakness, that would be a mistake on your part.

  [Jane is drumming her fingers impatiently] 

  John Smith : Honey!

  Jane Smith : Wrap it up.

  John Smith : Maybe it's not such a good idea to undermine me in front of the hostage - sends a mixed message.

  Jane Smith : Sorry.

  John Smith : Girls. Where was I?

  Benjamin : Mistake on your part.

  John Smith : Shut up.

• John Smith : [to Jane, while pursued by hit men in three black BMW'S]  It's called evasive driving, sweetheart!

• John Smith : [after firing a rocket launcher, holding it and looking at it closely]  We should so not be allowed to buy these.

• Benjamin : [while being interrogated and tortured by John Smith]  Can I have a soda or a juice or...

  Benjamin : [Jane hits him with the telephone]  A! A! Option A! Ow, that hurt.

  John Smith : Ok, that was a nice shot.

• John Smith : [they stop dancing, after his wife checks his crotch for a weapon]  That's all John, sweetheart.

• John Smith : [hitman from the BMW opens the van's left door. John opens the other van door and yanks the hitman through]  These doors are handy.

• John Smith : What's new?

  Eddie : Same old. People need killing.

• John Smith : [over the Bluetooth headset phone]  The first time we met, what was your first thought?

  Jane Smith : [over her speakerphone, trying to beat John home]  You tell me.

  John Smith : I thought... I thought you looked like Christmas morning, I don't know how else to say it.

  Jane Smith : [over her speakerphone, trying to beat John home]  And why are you telling me this now?

  John Smith : I guess in the end you start thinking about the beginning... so there it is, I thought you should know.

• Jane Smith : [dancing with John, he's just finished searching her for weapons]  Satisfied?

  John Smith : Not for years.

• Marriage Counselor : [during a marriage counseling session]  On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate the happiness of your marriage?

  Jane Smith : 8

  John Smith : Wait Could you clarify? Is 10 the highest? 10 being perfectly happy and 1 being totally miserable or...

  Marriage Counselor : Just respond instinctively.

  John Smith : Ok. Ready?

  Jane Smith , John Smith : 8.

• John Smith : [after Jane told him she never cooked a day in her life]  Web of lies!

• Lucky : What? You're looking for a job or something?

  John Smith : You are the job.

  [John kills everybody in the room] 

  John Smith : [looking at the cards at the table]  Pair of threes.

• [first lines] 

  John Smith : [at the marriage counselor's]  OK, I'll go first. Um... Let me say, uh, we don't really need to be here. See, we've been married for five years.

  Jane Smith : Six.

  John Smith : [chastened]  Five, six years.

• Jane Smith : I told you to wait for my signal, you didn't wait for my signal.

  John Smith : Well, I improvised.

  Jane Smith : You deviated from the plan.

  John Smith : The plan was flawed.

  Jane Smith : The plan was not flawed.

  John Smith : Anal.

  Jane Smith : *Organized.*

  John Smith : Jane, 90% of this job is instinct.

  Jane Smith : Well, your instinct set off *every* alarm in the building!

  John Smith : My instinct got the job done. It may not have been the Jane show...

  Jane Smith : No, it was the John show: it was half-assed. Like Christmas, like our anniversary, like the time you forgot to bring my mother's birthday present.

  John Smith : Your *fake* mother's birthday present.

  Jane Smith : The point is, you are *always* the first to break team.

  John Smith : You don't want a team, you want a servant for hire.

  Jane Smith : I want someone I can count on.

  John Smith : [sigh]  Jane, there's no *air* around you anymore.

  Jane Smith : [irritated]  Oh. OK, what is that supposed to mean?

  John Smith : That means there's no room for mistakes, no mistakes whatsoever. No spontaneity. Who can answer to that?

  Jane Smith : Well, you don't have to. Because this isn't even a real marriage.

  [brooding silence] 

  Benjamin : [locked up in the back of the van, in a bewildered voice]  *Who are you people?*

  Jane Smith : [yelling]  Shut up!

• John Smith : [comparing injuries with Jane]  I'm slightly colorblind. Retinal scarring.

• John Smith : We're going to have to re-do every conversation we've ever had.

• John Smith : [to Jane while hotwiring a neighbor's minivan]  He's had my barbecue set for months.

• John Smith : Did you hear the helicopter dropping me off that night for our anniversary dinner?

  Jane Smith : No. Oh, percussion grenades. I was partially deaf that evening.

• John Smith : [talking about their predicament, at their dinner table in a fancy restaurant]  So what do we do, Jane? Shoot it out here? Hope for the best?

  Jane Smith : Well, that would be a shame because they would probably ask me to leave once you are dead.

• John Smith : That left of yours is a thing of beauty.

  Jane Smith : Mmm. You take it well.

• Jane Smith : [lying down in the hallway of their home]  You ever have trouble sleeping after?

  John Smith : [leaning on the wall next to her]  No.

  Jane Smith : Me neither.

• John Smith : [searching for Jane, holding a pistol]  Sweetheart...!

• John Smith : Does that include weekends?

  [when asked how many times they have sex] 

• John Smith : Sweet Jesus! Mother of God!

• Eddie : [in Eddie's kitchen]  This broad is not your wife, she's the enemy.

  John Smith : She tried to kill me.

  Eddie : They all try to kill you. Slowly, painfully, cripplingly, and then wham. They hurt you. How you going to handle it?

  John Smith : [holding an assault rifle, walking past the door]  I'm going to borrow this.

  Eddie : I like where your head's at, man.

• Eddie : Are you saying you had your ass handed to you by some girl?

  John Smith : I think so.

• John Smith : You a vegan?

  Gwen : No. My girlfriend is.

• John Smith : [while carrying a rocket launcher]  Let's see if we can't get a tune out of this trombone.

• Eddie : [in a diner]  Did you get any other details on her besides her weight class?

  John Smith : [mumbles while chewing food]  Laptop

  Eddie : I'm sorry? You're in the whole zone right now- I'm having a hard time talkin' to ya.

  John Smith : [swallows and says louder]  Laptop!

  Eddie : OK. Laptop.

• John Smith : You live with your mother.

  Eddie : [offended]  Why would you bring her into this, she happens to be a first class lady!

• John Smith : [both pointing guns at each other; John drops his shotgun]  I ca... I can't do it.

  Jane Smith : [angrily, insistently]  Don't! Come on! Come on!

  John Smith : You want it? It's yours.

• John Smith : [comparing injuries with Jane, leaning on the wall next to Jane]  Three ribs. Broken eye socket. Perforated eardrum.

• John Smith : Oh, you're in trouble now!

• John Smith : I'm in love. She's smart, sexy. She's uninhibited, spontaneous, complicated. She's the sweetest thing I've ever seen.

  Eddie : I knew Gladys two and a half years before I asked her to marry me. You have to have a foundation of friendship, brother. The other stuff fades.